BREAKING NEWS: 4/30/15

The Baltimore Police Department said the results of its investigation into Freddie Gray's death will not be made public because "the integrity of that investigation has to be protected," said Police Captain Eric Kowalczyk.

Coincidentally, this is the first time the word "integrity" has been used in connection with the Baltimore Police Department.

 

Muslim cleric Perak Mufti Tan Sri Harussani Zakariahas claims that, according to the Prophet Mohammed, a wife can only refuse her husband sex if she is menstruating, sick or just given birth.

A Gallop poll shortly afterwards put Zakariahas in first place in the Republican race for president.

Film critic Jeffrey Lyons claims that Joe DiMaggio once dated the world’s first famous transsexual, Christine Jorgensen. Appearing on the Joe Piscopo radio show, Lyons said, “My parents were friendly with [Jorgensen]. They fixed her up . . . got her a date with DiMaggio.”

Jorgensen, they said, was interested in getting to third base without any balls.



A charity affiliated with the Clinton Foundation failed to reveal the identities of its 1,100 donors, creating a broad exception to the foundation’s promise to disclose funding sources as part of an ethics agreement with the Obama administration.

Clinton spokesman David Brock told the Washington Post, "All this is nonsense. The Clintons never agreed to be ethical in the first place."

A lawsuit brought by 91-year-old Sumner Redstone's 44-year-old girlfriend Sydney Holland against former MTV star Heather Naylor was declared over in Los Angeles Superior Court. The dispute revolved around allegations that Naylor had conspired  to steal Holland's laptop computer containing "pri­vate and confidential" photos.

"The idea that these photos would become public," said Judge Thomas Townsend, "is repulsive, sickening and, frankly, makes me want to vomit. And the criminal conspiracy isn't that great, either."

A group of prominent religious leaders is warning that they will not obey the law if the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage for all states.

Rev. John Sivoney told reporters, "Sexual intimacy is only between men and women, and religious leaders and eight year-old boys."



                 
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TELEVISION REVIEW: "BALTIMORE POLICE ENFORCING CURFEW"

After being hyped throughout the day like the new Apple watch, the first episode of CNN's limited-run reality series, Baltimore Police Enforcing Curfew, proved to be something of a disappointment. The expected clash between law enforcement officials and protesters, breathlessly promised by network personalities including Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper, never panned out.

Hosted by Don Lemon of foot-in-mouth fame, Baltimore Police Enforcing Curfew had all the ingredients to make for riveting television. The still-unexplained death of a man in police custody; local citizens standing uneasily between protesters and state police ready for battle; the constant whir of helicopter blades overhead. And all played against the backdrop of a neighborhood destroyed by what President Obama controversially labeled "criminals and thugs." And yet five minutes of HBO's legendary Baltimore-centric series, The Wire, had more drama than the first hour caught by your reviewer.

It didn't help, either, that many of the players wore masks over their faces, thus preventing anybody from literally standing out from the crowd. Another misfire was

whipping back and forth from crystal clear HDTV to what appeared to be footage shot with somebody's cellphone, then back again. Perhaps this was the network's plunge into the "found footage" craze pioneered by The Blair Witch Project. If so, it was a singularly poor choice. For every genuinely thrilling cinéma vérité moment -- I'm thinking of the Apocalypse Now-inspired overhead shots of helicopters hovering ominously above the crowds -- there was a blurry, pixelated shot that could have been taken by your grandchild after sneaking out of the house after dark. Technical quality on a level like that hasn't existed since the days of mechanical television in the 1920s.

Mr. Lemon's commentary tried juicing up Baltimore Police Enforcing Curfew, but to no avail. One yearned for his colleague Miguel Marquez, who, only the day before, provided a genuine "you are there" feeling to his coverage of the looting that set off the curfew. Try as he might, nothing Mr. Lemon said could match Mr. Marquez's "Holy hell, Wolf!" elucidation to Mr. Blitzer (safely back at the studio) when faced with teargas, criminal mischief and sliced firehoses. This is indeed a star in the making.

It's not all Mr. Lemon's fault, of course; there was very little of interest to report. It took a good 15 minutes before the police, looking like something from Star Wars, moved from their positions, only to be greeted by rocks and bottles. Another five minutes passed before the first welcome sign of real action, as police fired what appeared to be teargas at the more violent protesters. 

Unfortunately, it proved to be what is referred to in constabulary parlance as "flash-bangs." These devices are similar to sparklers waved at suburban barbecues on the 4th of July, only in the shape of hand-grenades and much smokier -- but nothing that a bottle of Visine couldn't take of. Sad to say, there was more drama on the bottom-of-the-screen news-ticker reporting on a case of potato salad-induced botulism in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

The most telling sign of Baltimore Police Enforcing Curfew's visceral failure, however, could be found by comparing it to ABC's pioneering The Democratic Convention Riots, and still the gold standard of reality entertainment. There we saw out-of-control police billy-clubbing their way through hordes of nascent "hippies" and "yippies" who were led by charismatic figures including Abbie Hoffman, Tom Hayden and Jerry Rubin. Perhaps because there had been nothing like it before, The Democratic Convention Riots has lingered in the minds of those who watched it during its original run. 

Even the slogans shouted during the two series stand in stark difference. The participants in The Democratic Convention Riots defiantly cried, "The whole world is watching!" to the seemingly-obtuse policemen. All we could hear from the self-designated peacekeepers in Baltimore Police Enforcing Curfew was a tepid, "Go home" to the loiterers itching for a confrontation. Alas, the advice was taken.

Rating:




Baltimore Police Enforcing Curfew's remaining episodes are scheduled to air on CNN  tonight through Friday at 10:00 EDT.

 
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BREAKING NEWS: BALTIMORE EDITION

As the citizens of Baltimore awakened after a day and night of violence, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings tried to explain why police remained in defense mode, and why it took so long for her to call for state help.

"We knew this was coming," Mayor Rawlings admitted. "I mean, it was all over social media. But this was part of our urban renewal plan. You can see for yourself that the violence happened in a part of town that, to be frank, isn't on any tourist guide. So we thought, well, what the heck. They want to burn it down, let 'em. Just like my predecessor, Martin O'Malley, all I care about is making sure the Orioles have a nice stadium to play in, and tourists can eat their crabcakes in peace. To reiterate what I said last Saturday, we gave those who wished to destroy space to do that. And I think they did a pretty good job."

"And speaking of the Orioles," she added, "they've got a 9/10 record so far this season. So I think it's a good idea we cancelled their games. If you think about it, we're doing them a favor. Of course, you in the media won't give us any credit for that."

Asked about the senior center that rioters torched, Mayor Rawlings commented, "That building wasn't even finished, so it's not like it's a complete tragedy. And as for the CVS that burned down -- look, CVS made an 18.20% gross profit last year. They can afford to build another drugstore somewhere else. The citizens of this particular neighborhood might have to walk further to find it, but, hey, walking's good! Maybe if they walked more often, they'd be healthier and wouldn't have to buy so much medicine. Again, it's called doing people a favor." 

"Bottom line," Mayor Rawlings continued, "we kept the violence contained to where it should be: poor neighborhoods that add nothing to the vibrancy and glamor of the city. My message to tourists with money to spend: Baltimore is open for business -- as long as you know what neighborhoods to keep out of. Just look for white people and you'll be fine. We'll make sure of that."

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/27/15

Ian Reisner, one of the two gay hoteliers facing boycott calls for hosting an event for Senator Ted Cruz, who is adamantly opposed to same-sex marriage, apologized to the gay community for showing “poor judgment.” 

"Next time," Reisner promised, "I promise to sell out my fellow gays without it getting into the papers."


The Clinton Foundation's acting chief executive admitted on Sunday that the charity had made mistakes on how it listed government donors on its tax returns and said it was working to make sure it does not happen in the future. 

"And by future," he added, "I mean after Hillary's second term."

On Saturday night, former President George W. Bush criticized Pres. Obama on foreign policy. Bush said that if you have a military goal and you mean it, “You call in your military and say ‘What’s your plan?’"

"That's what I did when we invaded Iraq," Bush said. "And do you know what they told me? Because I wish to hell I knew."
 

Timothy Simons, who plays White House liaison Jonah Ryan on the HBO series “Veep”, threw his support behind former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley over Hillary Clinton for president.

"I'm honored," O'Malley responded, "to have the support of an actor that your average person couldn't identify under penalty of death."




In an interview over the weekend, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio says there is no constitutional right to gay marriage.

"Fortunately," he added, "there's no constitutional right for a dimwitted one-term Senator with a bad comb-over not to run for president, either."

                                               
                                                
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BREAKING NEWS: 4/23/15

Dixie Elixirs & Edibles, perhaps Colorado’s best-known cannabis brand, is marketing marijuana-infused beverages as it does energy drinks.

"The main difference between the two products," said spokesman Brad Lanes, "is that our customers never get off the couch."


 
Bill Kretzschmar, who runs the Linguistic Atlas Project at the University of Georgia, has noticed that Hillary Clinton's accent changes depending on what area of the country she's speaking and who her listeners are.

Insiders concede that Ms. Clinton has an excellent grasp of the Wall Street accent.

Next month, HLN will air a documentary, produced by Kim Kardashian, about mental illness.

The interview subjects come from people who have had unprotected intercourse with Kim Kardashian, purchase her products, and follow her on Twitter.



Intelligence agencies said that Warren Weinstein, an American held by Al Qaeda since 2011, and Giovanni Lo Porto, an Italian held since 2012, were accidentally killed by American drones in January.

President Barack Obama apologized for the deaths, saying, "Next time, we'll do our best to kill Arab civilians."




People living on New York's Upper West Side are upset after a coyote was seen on Riverside Drive between 96th and 97th Streets this morning. 

Longtime resident John L.C. Sivoney told Eyewitness News, "If they can't put 20% down, we don't want 'em here."


In a New York Times op-ed, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says that he's holding firm on gay marriage.

"And when I say 'holding firm,' he added, "I'm talking real firm. I mean, the firmer, the better. Like baton firm. Ooh yeah, you know what I'm talking about."

Clinton Cash author Peter Schweizer on Thursday revealed his next target: Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush. Schweizer told Bloomberg Politics that he and a team of researchers are looking into Bush's financial dealings in the same way they scrutinized the Clintons.

Asked for a comment, former Governor Bush said, "I have nothing to hide. If Schweizer wants to get in touch with me, he has the Koch Brothers' address." 

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MOVIE OF THE DAY: "ENEMY OF WOMEN" (1944)

If a weasly, clubfooted tutor ever puts the moves on you, it’s best to give him a tumble. Otherwise, he’ll hold a grudge by becoming one of the most despicable people in history.

That seems to be the moral of Enemy of Women, the World War II-era biography/expose of Dr. Paul Joseph Goebbels. As Nazi Germany’s Minister of Propaganda and Public Enlightenment, he had total control over radio, movies, theater, art, newspapers and even psychics -- a position to be held by David Brock when Hillary Clinton is elected president. (I kid, I kid!)

An independent production released by Monogram Pictures, Enemy of Women is far more serious than its gaudy yet shabby posters would suggest. Too, its budget is better than your average Monogram release, and its running time longer. It almost looks like a movie from one of the majors, only with a relatively unknown cast,  which actually works in its favor.

Maria and Dr. Traeger engage in foreplay,
1944-style.

Perhaps knowing that wartime audiences might not be all that interested in a straight-ahead docudrama about Hitler's right-hand SOB, Enemy of Women's creators thread the picture with a love story involving aspiring actress Maria Brandt (the woman Goebbels desires but can never have) and Dr. Hans Traeger. They could have titled it Love in the Time of Swastika.

Maria had rejected Goebbels advances during his tutoring days. Once he becomes the head of all things artistic, Goebbels pulls strings to make Maria the biggest movie star in Germany, whether audiences liked it or not. In other words, they're a lot like Harvey Weinstein and Gwyneth Paltrow. But when Maria rejects Goebbels yet again, her career is finished and, for good measure, her father murdered. You'd think putting her on suspension would've been enough.

"Oh, Joey, tell me again about
the censorship laws!"

It's difficult to understand why Goebbels is obsessed with scoring with Maria, since he has a date with a different woman every night. Either these dames are attracted to power, or clubfeet must be a real turn-on for them. In fact, Goebbels seems to have hitched himself to Hitler's wagon just to score with the ladies; world domination is gravy. But as he tells Maria after her marriage to Hans, "You are the one open account in the ledger of my life." What a Romeo.

The look of love (for Hitler)

Rather than portraying him as an evil swine right off the bat, Paul Andor (born Wolfgang Zilzer) plays the pre-Nazi Goebbels as a metaphor for post-World-War I Germany -- a weak, pathetic cripple -- finding self-respect (and power) only when attending his first Hitler rally in 1928. The movie suggests that it was there Goebbels dreamed up the whole "Heil Hitler" routine. Quite an addition for one's résumé. 

"Round up all the Jews, kill all the newspaper editors --
and, oh yeah, make sure there's toner in the copying
machine."

Once in power, Goebbels becomes the ultimate mid-level manager, forever grousing to subordinates ("I am not at all happy with our anti-Catholic campaign") while taking advantage of his position (see "score with the ladies" above). Despite the fictional storyline, there's a vague realism to Andor's performance that a major star would have lacked.  

As with many independent movies of its time, Enemy of Women winds up being better than it should be because of its budgetary limitations. And the climactic forced separation between Maria and Hans -- arranged by Goebbels, naturally -- still works as an authentically heartbreaking moment.

For reasons unknown but entirely welcome, YouTube's print of Enemy of Women is in excellent shape for a "orphaned" movie. Despite being slightly washed-out from time to time, there are moments when it looks startlingly new, giving us the rare chance to see a Monogram movie the way it looked in its original theatrical release. Equally satisfying, there's nothing to mock, no over-the-top dialogue or hammy acting -- it's actually quite involving, with an excellent book-ending device involving an Allied air raid over Berlin. It's no Casablanca -- but sometimes a good burger is better than a steak. 

However, I still don't have permission to hang up the poster in my living room.

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/21/15

National Geographic is reporting that members of the Pakistani Tailban are killing healthcare workers for giving children polio vaccinations.

Upon hearing the news, Jenny McCarthy tweeted, "At last, somebody's taking me seriously!"



Leaked Sony emails show that Ben Affleck demanded that PBS delete all references to his slavery-owning ancestors from the genealogy-themed reality series Finding Your Roots.

"And while we're at it," Affleck added, "let's just forget that whole dating-Jennifer-Lopez thing, too, alright?"




The U.S. State Department representative in Hyderabad, India is developing an ethics course for Indian journalists.

"What the hell," a spokesman told reporters, "it's easier than teaching ethics to State Department employees." 

Freddie Gray, a Baltimore man injured during an arrest last week, died Sunday. Gray had been in an induced coma with a shattered vertebra, broken spine, broken leg and a crushed larynx.

When a reporter suggested that undue force was applied during the arrest, a police officer replied, "No comment," before stomping on his throat.



Betty Willis, who designed Las Vegas's iconic "welcome" sign in 1959, died last Sunday at the age of 91.

Las Vegas coroner Brad Lanes said it was 3-1 she died of cancer, 10-2 she fell down the stairs, and even money that it was a heart attack. 


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SORRY EXCUSES

No. Now lie down in front of
a speeding train.

We're taught it as children: Say you're sorry. The problem is, the apology often sounds insincere because it is. It's sometimes better when no apology is offered. For instance, when Hillary Clinton declaims that big money is corrupting politics just days after her campaign folks brag about their goal of running a billion-dollar campaign, no amount of "I'm sorry for my blatant hypocrisy" will wipe that slate clean.

Give Jeb Bush credit -- he offered no apologies for offering donors the chance to join his "national executive committee" if they each raised $500,000 by March 31. He likes the corrupting influence of money: I want all your dough, and all your friends' dough, too, because I can, that's why.

"I saved this dog by blocking the
vet's needle with my thigh, which,
by the way, took shrapnel in Iraq."

It's not just fat-cat politicians. It's also fat-cat news anchors.  Brian Williams' first apology was so bad a second and a third were required, to diminishing returns. According to a recent Vanity Fair piece, he even tried to explain away his numerous fabrications with the theory that they might have been brought about by a brain tumor. Just shut up and walk your dog, Brian. And by the way, you were getting $10-million a year -- can't you buy your wife pants that don't have holes?

No one said it was cheap being a cop.

The most recent egregious use of an apology was from Tulsa's pretend policeman Robert Bates, who responded to shooting a suspect with a gun instead of a Taser with a weak "I'm sorry." 

"I'm sorry"? That's what you say when drop a glass of milk or accidentally destroy your wife's rose bush with the mower. You shoot me and immediately say "I'm sorry," I'm not going to be in a particularly Christian frame of mind.

Like I said, there are times when an apology just doesn't cut it. Had Bates been just a little more honest, there were any number of statements he could have made after pulling the trigger:

• "Holy shit, what the fuck did I just do?"
• "Well, hell, what do you expect from a 73 year-old lawyer?"
• "Now this is why we shouldn't have body-cams."
• "He was gonna die eventually." 
• "You mean this thing was loaded?"
• "Damn, that's three cars and 25-grand down the toilet."
• "Well, son, that's what you get for dealing with someone who has no idea what he's doing."
• "I never was that good at telling my left from my right."
• "Weapons all look the same to me."
• "He was black, isn't that what we're supposed to do?"

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BETTER THAN THE MOVIE, PART 2

Uh... could you repeat that, please?

A while back, I wrote a way-too self-congratulatory piece about my movie poster collection. Since that time, I've relieved myself of many I no longer had any emotional connection to. By and large, those that remained were too dear to my heart to let go of.

But that was before I received an email from Bonhams Gallery in Los Angeles requesting consignments for their upcoming movie memorabilia auction. Suddenly, I decided that very few of those posters really tugged at my heartstrings after all. Rubber Racketeers, I Ring Doorbells and others of that ilk were mine 'til the day I died. But the rest, well, they could find a better home elsewhere.

So one morning last week, I plowed through the collection, inhaling the cancer-causing microbes drifting off the paper, and started photographing the ones I was ready to sell to another goofball collector.

Yeah -- right into the
memory hole.

While many of them had a certain je ne sais quoi, I had bought others simply because I had trekked downtown to an auction or "paper show" and didn't feel like returning empty-handed. What other reason was there to buy a poster for the utterly unknown 1941 release We Go Fast? That one, featuring an image of a surly cop (or is it cabdriver?) and even surlier nurse (or is it waitress?) giving each other the stink-eye, probably set me back a sawbuck. I remember it briefly hanging up at one of my apartments, but only because I needed to do something with it now that I owned it.

And leave a good-looking
poster.

I come to ridicule
Caesar, not praise him.

Then there were the juvenile delinquent/beatnik pictures from the '50s. Those were the genres I originally collected, and my walls were covered with them. No matter the movies' storylines, they all seemed to feature a "teenage" girl around 26 years old in formfitting clothes. Typically, these posters simultaneously warned and enticed audiences of the dangers the younger generation faced. The beatnik dangers never seemed to include bad poetry, fey goatees or sludgy coffee.

And under-produced.

Other '40s and '50s B- movie genres that appealed to me involved crime -- any poster with the word RACKET in the tagline, basically -- or sleazy sexpots. Over-Exposed (1956) managed to combine the two to splendid effect. The dames-in-prison pictures were  also automatic winners, too. Those posters always promised some good hair-pulling scuffles, while hinting at "forbidden" love. By the '40s, the latter angle got toned down to the point of being nearly subliminal. But in the pre-code days, when you saw a cigar-smoking woman with short greasy hair and a monocle, you knew she wasn't looking for a husband in the traditional sense.

Note the subtle use of the word "stacked."

Friends and family understood my hobby. One of them even went so far as to arrange a telephone interview with someone writing a piece on movie memorabilia collectors. Expecting a straight-ahead reporter, I found myself instead talking to a woman with an agenda. The more she asked about these posters, the more she made it clear that she thought I was some kind of predatory sexist, and demanded the real reason behind my collection. I urged her to talk to my wife and woman friends to see that I was a nice, normal guy, but the interview ended rather abruptly. I don't know if the piece ever ran, but if it did, I'm sure it had a very personal angle. Sex Criminal Gets His Kicks from Demeaning Movie Posters!

I thought Adam Sandler was the human bomb.

None of these movies were classics, but I figured that a few, especially the three-sheet for The Atomic Man (1955) or the half-sheet for the Crosby/Hope picture Road to Bali would cause some auction attendees to raise their paddles. 

I'd never find out. About 20 minutes after I emailed the photos to Bonhams, I received a terse reply informing me that they didn't reach the minimum value required for consignment. Go ahead and say it -- they're too cheap for you fancy-pants auctioneers!  

And so the rejected posters were returned to the box and tucked away for another day, most likely my death. Maybe I should have gotten that Citizen Kane half-sheet for $200 when I had the chance. A quick online perusal tells me it now goes for over $9,000.

From Fire Crackers to Cracked Ice
to Duck Soup -- it's very logical if you
think about it.

Ironically, the Bonhams' representative who broke the bad news to me was the same one who, last year, was willing to take on my most prized keepsake, the original typewritten treatment for the Marx Brothers' Duck Soup. Almost everything from the story to the characters' names to the title are different from the final version. 

I paid 25 bucks for it roughly 20 years ago. Bonhams thought it would get between $2,000 to $3,000 at auction. After giving it some thought, I decided to keep it. My emotional attachment doesn't come that cheap. At least not now.

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To read the first part of this essay, go here.                        


                                                 

BREAKING NEWS: 4/13/15

Harvey Weinstein will not face criminal charges stemming from an Italian model’s claim that he molested her last month, the Manhattan DA said Friday.

After the announcement, Weinstein was seen leaving the DA's office looking one million dollars lighter.

Kim Kardashian visited her ancestors' homeland of Armenia. She wrote on her Instagram account, "We have not forgotten our roots!"

"How could we," she added, "when we see them in the mirror every day?"



Gwyneth Paltrow will participate in the #FoodBankNYCChallenge. For one week, Paltrow will eat on a Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program budget of $29 a week.

"I never realized how difficult it was," Paltrow tweeted. "It barely gives me enough food to throw up after eating."

Marco Rubio, the Florida senator who is expected to announce he is running for president today, is calling for "A New American Century."

At a rally in Florida, Rubio told supporters, "If elected, I'm going sign an executive order making this the 22nd-century. I can do that, can't I?"


A study run by researchers in the U.S., Canada and Germany states that, if given the chance, men were more likely than women to go back in time to kill Adolf Hitler.

However, an overwhelming number of women would go back in order to nag him "to give the kids a chance on the sled for a change. And while we're on the subject, would you please just either grow out or shave that stupid mustache of yours?"

                           

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