BREAKING NEWS 10/30/15

Google Life Sciences is developing wearable sensors that could analyze a person's language for early signs of psychosis, monitor levels of anxiety, or encourage wearers to take clinical tests in order to measure mental health.

Observers, however, believe Google could save money by just finding out what kind of nut would wear such a thing to begin with. 

United Airlines has apologized to a passenger with cerebral palsy for not providing him with a wheelchair at his destination, forcing him to crawl up the aisle to leave the plane. 

United spokesman Brad Lanes added, "In future flights, the passenger will get an aisle seat so he doesn't have to crawl over the person sitting next to him."

Seven female staffers on Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign got themselves locked into a bathroom in their Brooklyn Heights headquarters for nearly half an hour Wednesday.

Political observers were baffled, since they thought it was Jeb Bush's campaign that was in the toilet. 

Realbotix is creating intelligent sex dolls that can communicate realistically with their owners and think for themselves.

When asked about this, 10,000 men surveyed all said, "For Chrissakes, why the hell do you think we're using a sex doll to begin with?"

Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Oslo on Thursday night after performing just one song.

Concertgoers agreed it was his best show ever.

                                           ************************

BREAKING NEWS: 10/27/15

In a rare move for a major presidential candidate, Democratic hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) joined a picket line with Verizon workers in New York City on Monday.

Following a rousing speech to picketers, Sanders was overhead asking, "What's a Verizon?"







ISIS leaders have become so desperate for suicide bombers, they have now started to train up an all-women battalion of bombers in Syria, having run out of children to use.

ISIS spokesman Al'abluh Almaeiz admitted, "If this keeps up, we're going to have to do this shit ourselves."

Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson has endorsed billionaire Donald Trump for president of the United States.

When asked why, Tyson replied, "I appreciate anyone who can chew people's ears off."






British musician Roger Waters admits Hillary Clinton scares him, telling Rolling Stone that he's worried she would drop "a nuclear bomb on somebody."

Waters admits, however, that nothing can compare to the bombs he's dropped since leaving Pink Floyd.

An Arizona pet owner has been arrested on suspicion of bestiality after allegedly trying to arrange sexual acts with animals, authorities said. 

When police asked why he was interested in bestiality, the man told them, "All the other Kardashians were taken.




                                                        **********************

THE MARK OF MEDIOCRITY

Don't forget to dot the
exclamation mark.

That exclamation mark in Jeb Bush's campaign posters sure looks like a cry for help these days. He's practically admitting, Look, I'm supposed to get this job, so get the hell out of the way! That was the mantra from Hillary's team in 2008, and as we saw, Barack Obama wasn't going anywhere except straight to the White House.

"Jeb" isn't even his real name, having been given the more elegant moniker John Ellis Bush at birth. I suppose John! wouldn't have the same oomph, unless you're looking for a bathroom.

Shaddap!

Nor is he the first candidate to go the presidential punctuation route. In 1996, Lamar Alexander made an exclamation mark his campaign logo. What is it about Southerners who think that shouting their funny-sounding first names will make people excited? 

To me, Lamar! just sounds like the beginning of a line from a Tennessee Williams play. Lamar! Bring me a mint julep this very instant, or you'll find my lack of love absolutely intolerant. On the other hand, Jeb! is more Birth of a Nation. Something like Jeb! Get the guns! Them Yankees are approaching from Crippled Tortoise Creek!

The exclamation mark wasn't enough for Lamar Alexander, though. I remember watching one of his stump speeches on the news. (That's all you need to know about me. I willingly watched a Lamar Alexander stump speech.) He wound things up with, "It's as simple as ABC: Alexander Beats Clinton!" And you could see people in the crowd reacting like, Oh my God, that's why he's going to win! Because ABC! Those same people wound up putting those Lamar! posters under their car tires to get out of their icy driveways that winter.

Or maybe  interrobang.

It's ironic that the loudest GOP candidate doesn't have an exclamation mark in any campaign material. As Donald Trump has learned, using it on posters would be redundant when you're a walking, living, breathing exclamation mark.

Maybe Bush should have used a lower-case j in the posters. The small j in jeb! would have resembled the upside-down exclamation mark at the beginning of Spanish sentences, and, therefore, subliminally persuaded Latinos to vote for him. 

It makes as much sense as the rest of his campaign. In fact, it's as simple as ABC: Another Bush Catastrophe.

                                             *******************************

BREAKING NEWS: 10/25/15

Applebee's has apologized to an autistic man who was allowed to work as a prep cook at one of their Rhode Island restaurants for a year without being paid. 

"This was terribly unfair," said spokesman Brad Lanes. "Had we known this was happening, we would have made the same deal with the rest of the staff."

Following his poor performance at the first Democratic debate, Lincoln Chafee has dropped out of the Democratic presidential race.

Chaffee plans on returning to his previous job as a prep cook at Applebee's. "And this time," he added angrily, "I better get paid!"

Mark Zuckerberg gave a 20-minute speech about Facebook's mission fully in Mandarin in front of a Chinese audience on Saturday.

Zuckerberg then announced that he now owns the copyright on Mandarin.

Two years after the end of his marriage to Wendi Deng, media mogul Rupert Murdoch, 84, is dating 59 year-old Jerry Hall, the former girlfriend of Sir Mick Jagger.

A friend of Hall's admitted, "Jerry told me that Rupert is everything she wants in a man. He's rich, decades older, and looks like a pterodactyl."

When asked in an interview if cutting back on staff and salaries was his way of admitting defeat to Donald Trump, Jeb Bush replied, "Blah blah blah. That's my answer -- blah blah blah."

On the positive side, aides admitted it was his most coherent policy statement so far.

                             *******************************

WHAT JOE BIDEN REALLY MEANT

Mr. President, thank you for lending me the Rose Garden for a minute.
Translation: You and I know goddamn well it should have been for 8 years.

As my family and I have worked through the grieving process, I’ve said all along, what I’ve said time and again to others, that it may very well be that that process, by the time we get through it, closes the window on mounting a realistic campaign for president. Unfortunately, I believe we’re out of time — the time necessary to mount a winning campaign for the nomination.
Translation: It didn't help when a certain candidate sent me a voodoo doll, either.

This party, our nation, will be making a tragic mistake if we walk away or attempt to undo the Obama legacy. 
Translation: You sure you want to nominate Hillary?

But it all starts with giving the middle class a fighting chance. I know you in the press love to call me “Middle Class Joe,” and I know in Washington that’s usually not meant as a compliment, it means you’re not that sophisticated. 
Translation: Meanwhile, I'm standing next to the leader of the free world. Hillary's stuck with the number one passenger on the Lolita Express.

I believe the huge sums of unlimited and often secret money pouring into our politics is a fundamental threat to our democracy.
Translation: Wanna know why Wall Street crooks skate and your cable service gouges you? Check out you-know-who's donors sometime.

We need to commit—we’re fighting for 14 years—we need to commit to 16 years of free public education for all our children. 
Translation: That crack about Trump's kids going to college free? Hilarious. Just hilarious.

We’ve learned some very hard lessons from more than a decade of large-scale open-ended military invasions. 
Translation: You want more war? I got just the woman for you.

I don’t believe, like some do, that’s it naive to talk to Republicans. I don’t think we should look at Republicans as our enemies. 
Translation: I'm sorry, was that a little too obvious?

If I could be anything, I would have wanted to be the president that ended cancer, because it’s possible.
Translation: But since I've been sidelined by my party in favor of a power-hungry harridan, it looks like you'll be stuck with another kind of cancer for 8 years.

Thank you for all being so gracious to Jill and me for the last six or eight months and for our whole career for that matter. But I’m telling you, we can do so much more. And I’m looking forward to continuing to work with this man to get it done.
Translation: I look forward to formally endorsing Hillary an hour before the polls close on November 8, 2016.

                                                           *****************

DR. HEFNER'S HOUSE OF HORRORS

For a business that's supposed to be going under, Playboy is getting a lot of press lately. Last week, it was the announcement that its whole raison d'etre -- the "classy" pictorials -- were going to be jettisoned as of next March.

Karrisa putting up a brave
front (for a price).

A day or two later, twins Karrisa and Kristina Shannon, who were featured in Playboy and lived in Hugh Hefner's mansion (and, frankly, with names like theirs, what else could they do?) were hospitalized after a car accident in Beverly Hills. Adding misdemeanor to injury, Kristina was cited for DUI. Sure, there was a time when a guy dreamed of being with a drunk centerfold, but not behind the wheel of a speeding car. 

And why were the Shannon twins in such a hurry? They had an appointment to have certain parts of their anatomies pierced, and I'm not talking earlobes.

This week, another bunny is heard from. Carla Howe -- who, with her twin sister Melissa, was yet another 2-for-1 special in the magazine -- blows the lid off what really goes on behind closed doors at the Playboy mansion these days:

She said: 'Most of the time all [Hugh Hefner] wants is to play chess with his friends and watch old films.'

She added that the mansion itself is beginning to look tired: 'He almost never leaves home and refuses to change anything in the mansion. The whole place feels like it's stuck in the 1980s.' 

The Berkshire-born beauty describes the residence as looking and feeling worn-out, with old phones that hang on the walls, bedrooms that smell damp and feel 'cold and unused'.

Stop the presses! Eighty-nine year-old man lives like 89 year-old man!

Melissa and Carla flank their warden.

Carla joins a whole parade of Playboy models who have gone public in recent years about the "dark side" of life inside the house that Hugh built. Nine o'clock curfews. Ancient Pac-Man machines in the basement. No boyfriends allowed. And, of course, the obligatory sex night with Capt. Hefner. If you want the details on the latter, hop on over to this piece in Cosmopolitan. It might as well be titled 50 Shades of Yuck. 

The word "prison" often comes up when former Playboy models speak of their mansion days. They seem to be unfamiliar with the concept, for prisons are filled with people who are there against their will. The Playboy mansion inmates happily accepted their invitations and were free to leave anytime they wanted. 

Prisoners, too, don't receive $1,000-a-week allowances, as Hef's houseguests did until recently. And sex with Hef is over, too. Now, it's dinner and an old movie, before he's off to bed with the wife -- just like me! 

They had to celebrate New Year's Eve at
three in the afternoon just so Hef could
stay awake.

Well, not exactly. My wife isn't named Crystal (would you expect Hefner's wife to be called anything else?), nor does she appear to have a charge account with a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. We look like a nice, normal married couple of a certain age, rather than a silly old man playing house with his great-granddaughter. (You have no idea how wide a divide 60 years can be until you see the photographic evidence.)

To be sure, we often look our age. The sisters Howe and Shannon, however, along with most of the other Playboy ex-models, look much older than their years, thanks to fillers, lifts, tucks, and Grey Goose shooters. 

Ironically or not, the manager of the Howe twins -- who happens to be their mother -- also helps adults with learning difficulties. Perhaps she could teach her daughters, along with the other Playboy models, that they don't have to hang around a doddering old man and his gold-digger wife watching old movies in a damp house. It's not prison, you know.

********************

BREAKING NEWS: 10/19/15

Eddie Murphy received the Mark Twain Prize for humor at the Kennedy Center last night.

Kennedy Center spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "There's nobody more deserving of this prize. As with Mark Twain, no one is alive today who remembers when Eddie was funny."

Ted Richards of Britain is so enamored of parrots that not only has he tattooed images of their feathers on his face, he also underwent a six-hour operation to remove his ears in order to look more like them. Richards next plans to have his nose reshaped into a beak.

That should be the final operation he'll undergo, since doctors say he's already a birdbrain.






Sen. David Vitter, a  Republican "family values" candidate currently running for Governor of Louisiana, has denied impregnating the prostitute he was sleeping with 15 years ago, and telling her to get an abortion.

"And by family values," Vitter added, "I mean the Kardashian family."

Residents of Nickelsdorf, Austria -- a stopover for Syrian migrants -- are complaining of an overflow of feces and garbage on their streets.

"Once again," said Mayor Bill de Blasio, "under my administration, New York has proven itself to be the most influential city in the world."



Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee agreed with talk-radio host Jan Mickelson that prisons are a "pagan invention," and that nonviolent criminals should instead be treated as slaves of the state.

"And while we're at it," Huckabee added, "why don't we skip that whole trial crap, and get back to lynching?"

                                              *********************************

BREAKING NEWS: LINCOLN CHAFEE EDITION

Former Governor Lincoln Chafee is earning plaudits from some of his fellow Rhode Islanders after his appearance at the first Democratic debate in Las Vegas on Tuesday evening.

Alleged rapist-turned-Providence Mayor-turned federal prisoner Buddy Cianci (left) thanked Chafee because "I'm now only the second-most ridiculed man in the state." 


Claus von Bulow (right) congratulated Chafee "for making your debate performance even more moribund than my wife."

And it isn't just celebrities. Steven Assanti of Cranston, the self-described 800-pound "monster,"  expressed gratitude. "I threw up every time Chafee opened his mouth," Assanti said. "By the time he finally drops out of the race, I should be down to 150, easy."


Local businesses, too, are toasting Chaffe. The Newport Creamery is introducing a new flavor for its legendary Awful Awful ice cream milk shakes (right) named after the former Governor. Creamery spokesman Brad Lanes said, "It was a natural. Nothing could have been more awful awful than Chafee's performance."

The only dissent appeared to come from the makers of Rhode Island's Autocrat Coffee Syrup (left). "Judging by the first debate," its press release said, "Chafee's in no danger of becoming the country's premier autocrat."




                                              *************************

WHAT'S A BUNNY TO DO?

Apparently nobody else does.

If nothing else, the news that Playboy will no longer publish pictures of nude women will provide cover for men who boldly announce they read the magazine for the interviews. 

That number, however, has been shrinking faster than that for network television, with only 800,000 regular "readers" -- or one-third the population of Brooklyn. Or, to be more arcane, an average of 16,000 per state. Heck, let's take it one step further, and compare it to the population of Rhode Island, which is 1,052,057. When your readership is smaller than the population of a state that measures 37 x 48 miles, it's time to take down your bunny ears and go home.

Every sophisticated man aspires
to look like Popeye.

Aside from being the end of an era, the elimination of Playboy's photo spreads poses important problems. Where will young women named Tiffany, Amber or Jade get their first job? Where will washed-up female celebrities go for one last, desperate attempt at relevance? And who will hire the blockhead who writes those stupid jokes?

The answer to all these important questions is also the cause of Playboy's demise: the internet. Scott Flanders, the magazine's CEO, is claiming victory of sorts. "The battle has been fought and won," Flanders told the New York Times, referring to the ability to find sexually-related imagery free and easy on your computer of choice. That's the way an over-the-hill boxer tries bowing out on a high note. I got the shit kicked out of me by other fighters who copied my style. I win! 

The internet took Playboy's "girl next door" routine, however, to another level -- that is, if you lived next door to a brothel. It's so ubiquitous that you can enter almost any phrase or name on a Google image search and, if you scroll down long enough, find a naked man or woman in the most fascinating positions. Sometimes you don't have to scroll at all.

Charley was as shocked as me.

I found that out a few years ago. I had software to make labels for DVDs, which I used for old movies I recorded off TV. I'd download the appropriate movie posters or images of the actors, and stick them on the discs. One afternoon, I was preparing a disc featuring Charley Chase, a comic actor who worked at the Hal Roach studio until 1936. 

However, an innocent Google image search brought up another performer named Charley Chase -- a woman whose movies won't be screened at the next TCM celebrity cruise. Only by re-entering his name as Charlie Chase (he went by both spellings over the years) was I able to find the one I wanted. If you'd like to try this at home, make sure you hit "delete history" before your spouse uses the computer afterwards.

Does anyone over the age
of  19 use this crap?

I have no idea who exactly will buy the new and improved Playboy. If you want a magazine for the "sophisticated male," there's Esquire, whose circulation is lower by 80,000.  Perhaps it's time for Playboy to either go online exclusively or, like its chain of clubs, go out of business. (One remains inside a Los Angeles casino.) Like Sinatra's Rat Pack, there's something sadly old-fashioned about its whole ethos. Would you want your wife or girlfriend to dab herself with Playboy perfume as you put on your Playboy cufflinks? Do women in general go for guys with Playboy bedding and robes? 

No, the Playboy bunny is officially grilled, never to shake its cottontail again.

But where will Bill Cosby find his dates now?


                                            ****************************************

SENSE AND NONSENSABILITY

Lou Costello obviously had very little sense.

Whenever Bud Abbott wanted his comedy partner to stop ad-libbing on radio and return to the script, he'd bark, "Talk sense, Costello!"

Talk sense. Astute advice, is it not? And yet, there are countless public personalities who not only never heed these two words of wisdom, they positively revel in their own claptrap. 

"Who's on first?" "I dunno, I'm not supposed
to look."

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, for instance. Apparently unhappy with the sharp decline in crime that occurred under the two previous mayors, de Blasio ordered his stooge, Chief William J. Bratton, to tell the cops to knock off any proactive behavior. In other words, Don't do anything until somebody's hurt. The result? Murder is up 6% since last year, and rape 5%. 

But because the rest of the felony crimes (pickpocketing? jumping subway turnstiles?) were down 4%, de Blasio boasts that "overall crime" has dropped during in his administration. You might be dead, the Mayor says, but at least nobody stole your wallet. Talk sense, de Blasio!

No, Doc, that's not how you spell "IDIOT."

Then there's Ben Carson. Since he admits that he cheated on his college chemistry finals when God gave him the answers in advance, maybe he's not as smart as his fans think. First he gives us his sound professional opinion that the nine people shot on an Oregon campus recently were wusses for being frozen with fear at the sight of a madman using them for target practice. Yet the next day, he told an interviewer that his one encounter with a gunman at a restaurant ended happily by advising the criminal to go after the schlub behind the counter instead. That is, if it even happened. 

You know Will Rogers' famous bromide, "I never met a man I didn't like"? This is how Ben Carson updated that remark on his Facebook page: "I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away."  This coincides with Carson's recent observation that those six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust only because they lacked guns. Talk sense, Carson!

"What is this evil called Google of which I'm unaware?"

It takes someone with more strength than me to dig up all the times Hillary Clinton has flipflopped, sidestepped, evaded, fudged, hedged, and contradicted herself (i.e., lied like a Saxon dog).  The most recent of her weekly gaffes concerns the Trans-Pacific Partnership deal -- of which she says, “As of today, I am not in favor of what I have learned about it.” 

What you have learned about it? You helped to create it when Secretary of State, and, by CNN's count, promoted it publicly 45 times! CNN also listed her five opinions on the Keystone Pipeline. Hillary, it appears, is unfamiliar with an obscure computer thingy called an "internet search" which can pull up any statement she's ever made with the push of an "ENTER" button. Talk sense, Clinton!

Gratitude is another spectre.

Stupidity isn't limited to politicians. Last week, Daniel Craig gave Sony Pictures its biggest case of agita since it was learned the studio kept its passwords in a computer file called "Passwords."  Craig starred in the last three James Bond movies, with another, Spectre, set for release later this year, making him the highest-paid actor of the series. So when recently asked if he was looking forward to the next Bond installment, he sighed, "I'd rather slash my wrists."

Craig blames the franchise for his otherwise mediocre box-office career. Tell that to Sean Connery, Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan. After he stops crying in his shaken-not-stirred martini, Craig might want to check his ATM, since he was paid $60-million dollars for Spectre. He even made an extra $5-million just for holding a Sony smartphone onscreen.  And Craig considers this suicide-worthy? Talk sense, Craig!

Yes, these people are in desperate need of a Bud Abbott in their professional lives. Because there's a difference between going for a laugh, and being a laughingstock.

                                                    ***********************

BREAKING NEWS: 10/8/15

California Governor Jerry Brown signed the "End of Life Option Act" into law, allowing terminally ill people to commit suicide.

Opponents of the bill said that people already have too much of a chance to end their lives by watching the presidential debates.

Former Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy appeared on 60 Minutes to talk about his new book detailing his family's problems with depression and alcoholism. 

However, he neglected to mention how his family has the same effect on the rest of the public.

It was revealed this week that GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has been sued for malpractice six times. The most damaging claim was that he once left a sponge in a patient's brain.

When asked to explain the latter incident, Dr. Carson said, "I just wanted to let someone know what it's like to be me."

The oldest remains of a mammalian womb have been found inside the 48-million-year-old fossil of an early ancestor of a horse – with its unborn foal still inside.

Ted Cruz told reporters, "This is further proof of the need to defund Planned Parenthood."





Researchers have found that people who meet with friends three times a week lessen their depression.

Meeting with family members three times a week, however, tended to strengthen it.





Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has come out against Pres. Obama's proposed Trans-Pacific Partnership deal, despite news clips proving she strongly supported it when Secretary of State in 2012.

Mrs. Clinton refused to explain her sudden about-face. However, later in the day her press office released a statement announcing her support of the development of video tape that would self-destruct five seconds after airtime.

                              ************************************************

CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCKHEAD

These colors do not exist in nature.

Hey gang, remember when Mike Huckabee condemned the boycott of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain for its donation to anti-gay marriage campaigns, calling it "economic terrorism"?

Well, neither does Mike. Because desperate poll numbers call for desperate measures, Huckabee is calling for a boycott of Doritos, and not because they taste like spicy woodchips. Time magazine reports:

Donate $10 or more to the It Gets Better Project, an organization dedicated to fighting anti-LGBT bullying, and you get mailed a bag of Rainbow Doritos. The campaign was so popular that Frito-Lay is already out of Rainbow Doritos. 

Huckabee's reason for declaring war on colorful junk food is that It Gets Better was created by gay columnist Dan Savage, whose take on Christianity would contain a little less vitriol if the more outre Christians didn't compare gays to Nazis who should be executed. Baptist minister Steve Anderson, however, would prefer the natural way: “If you’re a homosexual, I hope you get brain cancer and die like Ted Kennedy.”  Jeez, Steve, what about getting Alzheimer's and dying like Ronald Reagan? At least they'd forget to be gay!

Huckabee doesn't go that far, however, merely comparing homosexuality to drug use, drinking and swearing. Trust me, Mike, all that has been known to come into play between plenty of straight couples during sex. 

If Lane is an upstanding American,
why does he look like a Russian gymnastics
coach?

This noble cause can't possibly be a one-man job, which is why Huckabee has been joined by David Lane of the American Renewal Project. This is similar to urban renewal projects, only instead of tearing down dilapidated buildings, its goal is to get rid of anyone who isn't a card-carrying heterosexual Christian. (Jews are OK, up to a point -- like, the point of the Rapture. Then it's so long, Shlomo!)

Lane says that the USA is a "Christian nation" which needs to get rid of secularism, and whose Christians need to prepare for martyrdom in order to end gay marriage. This guy should team up with ISIS and just divide the world into two halves.

More like a battle for the gut of the Huckabee family.

Armchair historian that he is, Lane also states that the separation of church and state is, at the risk sounding tautological, a "fabricated whopper."  But nothing compares to his Doritos boycott, which he rather extravagantly calls "a battle for the soul of America."

If that's true, Lane and Huckabee must think that the US itself is like Doritos: thin, brittle, and utterly lacking in nutritional value. Man, some patriots those guys are!

But patriotism really has nothing to do with this. For, as the old song goes, at the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold. At the end of this rainbow, though, is a pot of gold in campaign donations. The Frito Bandito couldn't have been any slicker.

                                               **************************