MONEY TALKS

People fleeing violent mobs. Physical altercations between strangers. Blood spilling on the floor.

Of course, I'm talking about this week's Black Friday sale at Target -- the event that proclaims big savings even as you spend more money than you can afford. If only there was some way to get you to stop this nonsense. Some little voice telling you, Put down the 64-inch smart TV.

Well, some smartass college students in the UK have done just that, kind of:

Shopaholics could be discouraged from splurging their cash by a smart handbag that humiliates them in public by shouting when they take out their credit card.

The brown leather messenger bag asks 'Do you really need this?' in a male Cockney accent that becomes louder and more insistent when the credit card is removed from the bag.

Dues ex handbag

Now, I'm all for dopes being humiliated in public, especially by non-humans. But will anybody listen to a computer chip berate them when they're already ignoring their spouses barking the same thing?

More to the point, it would be great if the damn thing actually worked and was designed for Congress. Like when it spends $485-million on a weapons program that not even the Pentagon wants. But that would mean dealing with enlightened beings and not, uh, politicians.  

Furthermore, shopaholics who willingly lug around something like this are as likely as drunks packing Antabuse when they go on their nightly bar runs. You're in it for the payoff, not the payback.

Even the people who created this leather-bound yenta seem to realize it as well, having created only one, solely to "create a conversation." I'd hazard a guess that the conversation would go something like this:

CASHIER: Cash or charge?

SHOPPER: Charge. (Removes credit card from bag)

BAG: Do you really need this?

CASHIER: What's that?

SHOPPER: A talking bag.

CASHIER: Cool. Credit or debit?

People like this think that "creating a conversation" changes the world. I remember then-President Bill Clinton wanting America to start "a conversation about race." We're still talking, louder than ever, to the point of people killing each other. 

A hectoring handbag is likely to be as effective. But that's what you'd expect from a couple of 20-somethings who proudly proclaim their "design activism." If only ISIS was so active. Do you really need to blow this up?

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BREAKING NEWS: 11/23/15

Robert Rodriguez, the director of Spy Kids and Sin City, has made a short film starring John Malkovich that has been put in a time capsule and won't be seen for 100 years.

Studio heads immediately asked if the same could be done for the forthcoming Adam Sandler movie.

North Korea has executed three women for circulating episodes of a TV series they illegally videotaped.

Motion Picture Association of America CEO Chris Dodd remarked, "Now we're talking!"

Giovanni Gambino, son of mob figure Carlos Gambino, said during an interview that “the rise of global terrorism gives the Mafia a chance to show its good side” by keeping areas safe from ISIL attacks.

He added, "I tell my guys: leave the gun, take the felafel."

The Texas Board of Education rejected a measure that would require university experts to fact-check the state’s textbooks in public schools.

BOE spokesman Brad Lanes explained, "We don't want our textbooks to have facts, so what the hell's the point?"

Researchers from the University of Cambridge believe that easy access to online porn can cause sex addiction.

In related news, the same researchers have proved conclusively that easy access to food can cause food addiction.

Gossip site Radar Online claims it has viewed a home video of Charlie Sheen smoking crack while performing oral sex on another man.

After returning the favor, the man said Sheen should return to TV in a sitcom called Three and Half Inches.

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BREAKING NEWS: 11/19/15

NBC News is reporting that the attack on Paris that left 129 people dead cost no more than $10,000.

"This proves," said Sen. Marco Rubio, "that privatization works smarter and more efficiently than government handouts." 




In related news, ISIS released a photo of the bomb hidden in a can of pineapple soda that was used in the downing of a Russian airliner last month.

In a Gallup poll, 75% of the respondents said it was a good idea to prevent people from bringing beverages on planes, while the other 25% wanted to know who the hell drinks pineapple soda.

An unidentified member of Hillary Clinton’s campaign is going after five comedians who made fun of the former Secretary of State at the Hollywood comedy club, The Laugh Factory. Club owner Jamie Masada refused to give over the names and phone numbers of the comedians as demanded.

Masada added, "What's really strange is that the caller seemed to like it, judging by her incessant cackling."

Secretary of State John Kerry is in hot water over his comments suggesting the killings at Charlie Hebdo this year were more 'legitimate' and 'rational' than the terrorist attack in Paris last Friday, which he says was "absolutely indiscriminate."

Kerry later told reporters, "What I meant to say was, Hitler made more progress when he focused on you-know-whats, am I right?"

Khloe Kardashian has hit back at estranged husband Lamar Odom in an explicit Twitter rant, saying that he “went against ALL our wedding vows.”

Those vows included “destroying your basketball career for the sake of shilling for your no-talent, dimwitted, bovine wife and her ghastly family.”

A father and his two sons found a stash of vintage Hollywood posters worth $240,000 when pulling up the flooring in their new home in Pennsylvania.

An unidentified, 59 year-old blogger wearing glasses and a fedora was later arrested for breaking into the house in a vain attempt to steal the collection, screaming, "They don't appreciate this stuff! I do!"

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YOUR TERRORISM IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE HOLD.

With our cable, phone and internet service temporarily out for the second time in as many days, I’ve become quite familiar with Time-Warner Cable’s automated helpline. It’s one of the wonders of the modern age, holding a conversation with a machine that understands about 20% of what you’re saying.

It’s even become part of a society that, for all intents and purposes, is based squarely in the 7^th century. Given your emotional state these days, the headline on the NBC News site will either make you laugh or give up all hope of life:

 ISIS Has Help Desk for Terrorists Staffed Around the Clock

Like you couldn’t hate them any more than you do already. If it’s anything like what I’ve encountered, it probably runs like this:

Hello, and welcome to the ISIS Service Hotline. Para continuar en español , pulse cinco. This call may be monitored or recorded for any apostate conversation. Our service is voice activated, or if you want to enter the information on your keypad, press the star key, followed by 666. If you know your imam's extension, enter it now. Or you can tell me your problem, like, “My suicide vest doesn’t fit” or “How do I behead a fat person with a thick neck?” Now, how may I help you?

The ISIS helpdesk's faceless bastards.

What’s astonishing is that my service was knocked out nearly a dozen times this past summer, thanks to nearby construction, yet no Western government has bothered to cut the cord of history’s biggest death cult. Leave it the uber-hackers Anonymous to get the job done, however. I'd  feel safer with any of those guys as president than the current dolts we've got running now.

At the very least, you’d think someone in Washington could prank-call the hotline with personally insulting remarks. I do it from time to time when I feel like picking up a call from scammers telling me that my laptop is infected, or that I’ve just won a free cruise to the Caribbean. Sometimes I just scream loudly into the receiver before clicking off. Don’t tell me I don’t know how to have fun.

I’d be happy to volunteer to serve my country by calling the ISIS hotline with inane comments. “Your sister tells me I’m a better lay than you are.” “Hey, wanna come over to my place on for some barbecued pork? You bring the beer.” “Tell you mother to stop coming around here. My goats don't like blowjobs from anyone other than your brother."

But you know what the sad part is? They probably offer better service than Time-Warner.

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MEMORABLE QUOTES THROUGH HISTORY

MARK ANTONY OBAMA: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to praise Caesar, not bury him after his most recent setback.

KING BARACK V: We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that experiences a setback shall be my brother...

PRESIDENT ABRAHAM OBAMA: Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth a new nation, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great setback...

GENERAL WILLIAM TECUMSEH OBAMA: War is hell. Hell of a setback, I mean.

PRES. FRANKLIN DELANO OBAMA: Yesterday, December 7, 1941, a date that will live in infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately set back by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

GEN. DWIGHT D. OBAMA: I hate setbacks as only a general can.

PRES. JOHN FITZGERALD OBAMA: Within the past week, unmistakable evidence has established the fact that a series of offensive missile sites is now in preparation in Cuba. The purpose of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear setback against the Western Hemisphere.

SEN. ROBERT F. OBAMA: Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say why all the setbacks?

PRES. RONALD OBAMA: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this setback!

PRES. GEORGE W. OBAMA: I can hear you, the rest of the world can hear you and the people who caused this setback will hear all of us soon.

PRES. FRANCOIS OBAMA: France will set back ISIS.

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BREAKING NEWS: 11/13/15

Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy tweeted 'regret' on Saturday night after photos of his bruised ex-girlfriend from his domestic violence case were released a day earlier.

"Next time," Hardy said, "I'll aim for internal bruising."

Cameron Schaeffer, a freshman at the University of Vermont, wrote an essay that demands the word "too" be banned as sexist.

Most of the people who read the essay believed that Ms. Schaeffer was too stupid for words.

Former Vice-President Bob Dole has formally endorsed Jeb Bush for President.

Bush said he was honored, adding, "Now that I have the backing of both Bob Dole and Eric Cantor, all I need now is Herman Cain on my team to complete the 'Endorsements-Nobody-Gives-A-Shit-About' trifecta."

Johnny Depp told the London Guardian that all of his movie characters are gay.

In response, GLADD spokesman Brad Lanes said, "What the hell kind of gay man dresses like that?" 

According to a report released on Thursday, 1 in 5 New Yorkers has mental health problems.

When New Yorkers were asked what they thought of the statistic, common answers were "I wanna kill somebody," "Which way the moon?" and uncontrollable shrieking followed by public urination.

                                         

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BREAKING NEWS: 11/12/15

In an interview with radio talk show host Tony Perkins, former senator Michele Bachmann said that there should be a bigger effort to convert Jews to Christianity ahead of the arrival of Jesus Christ.

"And once we're through with that," she added, "we should convert my husband to being straight."

Restaurant owner Ken Shimizu, who is one of Japan's best known porn stars, has launched a new dish which deliberately mimics the texture and flavor of feces, and is served in a miniature toilet.

Asked why he created it, Shimizu said, "I wanted to beat Taco Bell at its own game."

Scientists have created artificial intelligence software with the language skills of a four year-old.

The computer now qualifies for the GOP presidential debates.

Peter Robbins, the former child actor who voiced Charlie Brown in the 'Peanuts' TV specials, has pleaded guilty to making criminal threats after confessing to stalking his former lover as well as the surgeon who gave her a breast enhancement.

Led from the courtroom in handcuffs, Robbins muttered, "So much for discount psychiatric treatment."

An Alabama officer awarded a medal for shooting a robbery suspect has had it rescinded after dashcam footage showed the suspect on his hands and knees sinking to the ground when he was wounded.

"This should be a lesson to all our officers," said police spokesman Brad Lanes. "Always make sure the dashcam is turned off before leaving your car."

The U.S. postal workers union announced on Thursday it was endorsing Bernie Sanders for president in 2016.
In explaining the endorsement, union representative Daniel Hoak told reporters, "We thought it only appropriate to support someone who actually remembers a time when people mailed letters."



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SICKER THAN THOU

You see "sick." I see "hilarious."

How many women out there are occasionally appalled by their boyfriend's/husband's sense of humor? You know, when the guy makes a joke about what is, under other circumstances, deemed a tragic event. 

Just about all of you, no doubt. In kinder moments, you might consider them "sick." Huzzah! You're righter than you realize, according to researchers at University College London:

Developing an increasingly warped sense of humour could be an early warning sign of impending dementia, researchers have found.

The families of patients with frontotemporal dementia, a rare type of the disease, noticed relatives had developed an appreciation for 'darker' jokes in the years before they were diagnosed.

This included being amused by events others would not find funny, such as a badly parked car or a barking dog, and laughing inappropriately at tragic events. 

Do not go gentle into that good Stooge.

Let me warn you now, sisters, all the men you know were born demented. Sooner or later, we give in to the dark side, cracking wise about disasters natural and man-made, diseases, and people getting hurt.

In fact, one of the signs of this form of dementia is laughing at slapstick comedy. Now you know why we rolled on the floor as children watching the Three Stooges. We had a disease. No judging, OK?

Bert Parks knew a good gag
when he saw one.

There's no better example than a faded piece of kinescope in my possession. It's a clip from a live, 1959 game show called County Fair, hosted by Bert Parks. A supposedly wacky stunt goes wrong, causing a contestant to run offstage in flames. 

All the women I've run this for have reacted in horror -- while every man without exception laughed hysterically.  I have a friend who watched it 20 years ago and still laughs about it. 

That's a long time to suffer from this malady. I think we men ought to start our own "Sick Humor Dementia Awareness" campaign. I mean, why do women get all the fun with their fundraising walks, runs and races? I envision 500 or so of us walking through Central Park, out of the demented closet, our heads held high, no longer ashamed. We are your husbands, your brothers, your sons!

Then the spectators get run down by an out of control horse-drawn carriage. God, that'd be funny.

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BREAKING NEWS: CARSON & CHRIST EDITION

Over the weekend, several media outlets revealed that Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson has a painting of himself with Jesus Christ on a wall of his home.

Asked about the portrait, Dr. Carson told reporters, "Yes, as with being offered a scholarship to West Point, trying to kill my mother with a hammer, and sheltering white students during race riots, I remember this incident very well."

In his trademark gentle tone, Carson continued, "Jesus and I met up after a steam at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. We here hanging out in our plush robes -- Egyptian cotton, grown near Joseph's pyramid-shaped grain bins, I believe. It was here that Jesus put his arm around me and said, 'Ben, you should seriously consider running for president. America's idiots need a leader with absolutely no concrete ideas regarding any of the major issues of the day.' And, as you can see, he put out his hand to start raising money for my campaign. I consider Jesus my own super PAC!"

Pressed for more details of their meeting, Carson said, "Well, as you can tell from the painting, Jesus looks like Russell Brand, only a little less scruffy. Plus, he played a mean game of baccarat. Tipped the dealer really well, too. But the best part," Carson chuckled, "was how he saved money. Just ordered a round of bread and water for us, and the next thing you know, we're chowing down on roasted cod and Sauvignon Blanc!"

Asked if his story sounded a little far-fetched, Carson bristled, "Hey, like it says in my autobiography, my psychology teacher at Yale named me the most honest student in his class." Reminded that the Wall Street Journal challenged his recollection of the incident, Carson replied, "Who you going to believe? A Wall Street insider, or somebody who chills with Jesus?"

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REPUTATION IS EVERYTHING

It happened decades ago, and my memory of the details are sketchy, but the gist of it is this: I was once accused at a job of ratting out my colleagues to the boss. 

It wasn't true. In fact, the guy who ratted me out was himself the real ratter. And I barely knew him.

Up until then, I was known as a stand-up guy. Following the false accusation, my reputation was pretty much shot among all but those who knew me best.

The moral of the story: Once you lose your good name, it's difficult to retrieve.

Gifted liar?

Fast-forward to 2015. Ben Carson, Republican candidate for president, is angry at CNN for smearing his reputation. In fact, he claims that the network is accusing him of being "a pathological liar." 

According to accepted definitions of the word, the best spin you can put on "pathological" is "compulsive; obsessive." At worst, it involves "a mental disease." And since he's a doctor, he must know from whence he speaks.

CNN, if you believe Carson, has a lot to answer for in its investigative report concerning certain passages of his autobiography Gifted Hands. "The media is ruthless," he told Megyn Kelly on Fox News, adding, "This is a smear campaign" and "just garbage."

So what is CNN's smear job? They question Carson's claims of his childhood misbehavior, which include:

punching a classmate in the face with his hand wrapped around a lock, leaving a bloody three-inch gash in the boy's forehead; attempting to attack his own mother with a hammer following an argument over clothes; hurling a large rock at a boy, which broke the youth's glasses and smashed his nose; and, finally, thrusting a knife at the belly of his friend with such force that the blade snapped when it luckily struck a belt buckle covered by the boy's clothes. "I was trying to kill somebody," Carson said...

Carson also stands by his belief that the ancient pyramids were built by Biblical supporting player Joseph to store grain. And that "[America would] be Cuba if there were no Fox News."  And that the theory of evolution is satanic. And, most famously, that Obamacare "is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery."

Carson, therefore, is trying to protect his reputation as a violent juvenile delinquent with "a pathological temper" (which is apparently better than being a "pathological liar"), along with being a bogus Biblical scholar, ridiculous sociologist, terrible scientist and just plain bad historian. 

Clearly, he's got the nomination in the bag.

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BREAKING NEWS: 11/5/15

Thanks to its beneficial use in fertilizer, fuel and even medicine, excrement is expected to become the next big moneymaking business.

Scientists say the biggest samples are coming from Washington and Hollywood.

A lamb sacrifice was performed to protect a man from harm and evil just days before he was ejected in a fatal car crash, landing on a freeway sign in California.

When notified of the accident, his cousin said, "I knew we should've used a goat!" 

British pop sensation Adele admits that she's frightened of being famous.

She made the comment in the latest issue of Rolling Stone, with a photo of her taking up the entire cover, and Adele printed in large font just to let you know she's inside plugging her new album.

Jim Bazen, the principal of Plymouth Christian High School in Grand Rapids,Michigan, has sparked fury after stating that women who don’t dress ‘respectfully’ are inviting young men to treat them as nothing more than sex objects. 

Bazen added, "Not that I know what treating females like sex objects entails." 

A young Afghan woman was stoned to death after being accused of adultery, officials said Tuesday.

An hour later, the men responsible received a contribution request from Rick Santorum.

Manuela Herzer, 51, the ex-girlfriend of Sumner Redstone, 92, may be gearing up to go to war with his family after the billionaire had her kicked out of his life, claiming that the media mogul is not of sound mind.

Family spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "She willingly had sex with this guy -- and he's not of sound mind?"

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THE DOCTOR WILL FLEECE YOU NOW

My wife tells me that I can open her mail if I so choose. Usually, I give that honor a pass, even though it would afford me the only chance I ever get to open any mail at all. But yesterday, she received a letter I couldn't resist ripping into: a fundraising plea from Dr. Ben Carson, with a "personal" message in an almost-real handwriting font on the front of the envelope:

You’re the first in the nation to see this! Please tell me what you think.  Ben

The first? Man, did it make me feel special that Ben would take out time from his busy book-signing schedule to put my wife, not yours, at the top of his to-do list. But wait, that's not all! For inside was this:

There's some reflection there, and I got rid of my wife's name, but you get the idea. It's something like a credit card, only you can't use it except inside your wallet: American Express to Nowhere.

So what it is it then? Let the good doctor explain:

This is it. The first of its kind. My campaign has never issued a Supporter Card to anyone before. And now I'm sending Charter cards to the people whom I believe would be inspirational members of my team. I see yours is #48.

Well, I see that Carson is a very poor judge of people, since my wife's a registered Democrat. Therefore, he most likely bought the mailing list from L.L. Bean. And how can my wife be the "first," as the envelope states, when she's #48? To quote Dr. Carson himself, this is the worst thing to happen in America since slavery. 

Just for fun & games, I went online to see if anyone else received it. And sure enough, a Carson supporter proudly posted a photo of her #48 card on CNN's "iReport" site. Can you imagine how dirty we feel now, knowing that Carson is feeding everybody the same line?

Still, I was intrigued. There are an infinite number of numbers Carson could have chosen, yet not many to make one feel special. I guess #1 would look phony, and #3 would make you feel like a loser. But 48? That seemed rather arbitrary. I went to Wikipedia to get the lowdown.

Not that big.

Forty-eight, I learned, is a semi-perfect number. That's befitting donors who would vote for a guy wholly unqualified to hold the title "Dr. Leader of the Free World." 

Being a Charter Supporter means that you're expected to fork over some dough. He certainly doesn't make it enticing with the letter he enclosed to include with the contribution, written in such a way that it's supposedly written by the donors themselves:

Thank you for my Charter Supporter Card. I am honored to receive the 48th card in the country. I have signed the back of it and I will proudly carry it as a symbol of our bond [...] I believe that as our President you will humbly serve the ideals of freedom, God, and we-the-people with integrity, with optimism, with a commitment to honor the Constitution... 

This makes further sense upon learning, in addition to being imperfect, 48 is a Narcissistic number. Which leads us to one more piece of relevant information:

Siddhartha Gautama, the founder of Buddhism, sat under a bodhi tree for 48 days attempting to understand the nature of reality and Universe. Buddhism was the result.

Carson, I believe, sat under a palm tree for 48 days attempting to understand what he was going to do in retirement, when he got hit on the head with a coconut. Carson for President was the result. You got another explanation?

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