A VERY CATTY WOMAN

At some point in your youthiest of youths, you probably fantasized about being an animal; a horse, maybe, or a lion. Having grown up in a beach town, I thought it would have been cool to be a seagull. Flying without effort; never going to school; floating on the waves approaching the shore. It looked like a good life.

Then I turned five. Too soon? Perhaps, for there's at least one woman who's living out her feral fantasies. Courtesy of the London Telegraph, meet Nano from Norway:

Nano claims she realised she was a cat when she was 16 years old, and has adopted feline mannerisms since. [Nano claims] she has a superior sense of hearing and sight which allows her to hunt mice in the dark.

What all the cool cats are wearing these days.

Hunt mice in the dark? Nano, baby, you've got seven million New Yorkers waiting to take you in. And guess what. She even likes to walk on all fours. That hasn't happened to me since I chugged six cheap draft beers in a row when I was 19.

You might think all this would look pretty silly for a human. But Nano wears fake cat ears and a fake cat tail to make the image complete. That's more like it.

Of course, there's more to being a cat than meets the claws:

Nano claims to possess many feline characteristics including a hatred of water and the ability to communicate simply by meowing.

Some men might find that meowing business a turn-on. But a woman who doesn't bathe isn't going to ring the bell for anyone except the staunchest of olfactophiles. Not that Nano's totally unhygienic, however, for she wears "fluffy pink paws" in order to groom herself. Well, thank God for that.

Does Nano have psychological problems? Or is she merely crazy? Neither, according to the experts:

"I realised I was a cat when I was 16 when doctors and psychologists found out what was "the thing" with me. Under my birth there was a genetic defect."

Grandpa Olaf.

I don't know what "under my birth" means -- perhaps that's a Norwegian phrase that doesn't quite translate to English. Whatever -- the key is that she's got a genetic defect. Meaning... one of her ancestors was ravished by a Norwegian Forest Cat, maybe? 

No matter. As Lady Gaga would remind you, she was born this way. 

Ready to pounce on Tweety Bird.

Cynic that I am, I have my doubts about Nona's feline claims. First of all, I've never seen a cat with any facial piercings, let alone four. Then there's her diet. Is her fridge filled with gravlaks and sheep's head instead of Meow Mix and Fancy Feast? If so, I think we can safely consider her a Norwegus Humanus.

And then there's the matter of where and how Nona.. er, you know. Manages her excreta. As long as she's not bathing, there better be a litterbox in the tub, or I'm calling shenanigans on the whole thing. 

I'm writing this now, because -- as with the "parrot man" who had his ears cut off and wants to replace his nose with a beak -- we're now on the verge of what can only be called trans-species sexuality. This means that, at some point, my jokes -- as well as your likely confusion -- will make us trans-speciesphobes. 

Madonna will curse you from the stage. Protests will erupt outside your homes. The LGBTQ organizations will have to add another letter to their name. And Nona will get her own Lifetime reality series: Here Kitty!

By the way, sheep's head  -- or as they call it, smalahove -- really is a Norwegian delicacy. Maybe that explains things.

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BREAKING NEWS: 1/28/16

According to a recent study by the Heart Association, women are hit harder by heart attacks than men, with “vague symptoms” including jaw and back pain, nausea and a sense of dread.

Researchers admitted this could be confusing, since these are the same symptoms women feel regarding sex with their husbands.

Mattel has announced that it will start manufacturing its classic Barbie doll in more realistic body types, including "curvy."

A survey of men, however, found that they overwhelmingly believed it would give little girls an easy excuse not to feel self-conscious enough to skip dessert for the sake of pleasing future boyfriends. 

Bowing to protests, the upstate New York town of Whitesboro has confirmed that it will change its official seal, which appears to show a white man throttling an Indian.

The Whitesboro town council has decided that the new seal will instead show the Indian's village being burned to the ground.

During his official visit to Italy, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani was given a tour of the Colosseum. 

President Rouhani told his hosts that he admired the legendary structure, and looks forward to ISIS destroying it sooner rather than later.

In related news, the managers of Rome's Capitoline Museum covered up nude statues during Rouhani's visit in order not to offend him.

Rouhani, however, said it was unnecessary to go to all that trouble, adding that he would have been happy just to watch video footage of bound-and-gagged gay men being thrown off the tops of buildings.

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BREAKING NEWS: 1/26/16

Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is allegedly considering entering the 2016 presidential race as a third-party candidate.

Asked why he might be taking the plunge, Bloomberg told a reporter, "I think the voters  have the right to have more than one plutocrat to choose from. Now bring me some caviar, boy."

Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-N.H.) told MSNBC that Hillary Clinton’s paid speeches to Wall Street firms such as Goldman Sachs are "in the past" and not worth delving into.

Bill Cosby and Bill Clinton released a joint press statement saying, "We approve of Sen. Shaheen's way of thinking."

After a complaint from a parent regarding its illustrations, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was banned from a school library in Qatar.

Library spokesman Ana Aihmaq explained, "Now, if they had a scene with Snow White being raped and murdered by the dwarfs, that would have been different."

Paramount Pictures is facing legal action after a group of production assistants claimed they were not allowed to leave their posts to get food or use restrooms, forcing them to use their cars as toilets.

A spokesman for Paramount responded by saying, "So what? We used theatres as toilets when we released Transformers."

The New England Patriots lost their chance of playing in the Super Bowl when they were defeated by the Denver Broncos 20-18 in the AFC championship game.

Quarterback Tom Brady apologized to Patriots fans, and promised to cheat better next year.



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BREAKING NEWS: 1/20/16

U.S. Customs officials seized hundreds of counterfeit Hoverboards in Miami worth $94,000.

"We knew they were phony," said Customs spokesman Brad Lanes, "because they didn't explode."

At a rally in Ames, Iowa yesterday, Sarah Palin formerly endorsed Republican candidate Donald Trump for president.

"We already had the wacko authoritarian bloc wrapped up," said Trump spokesman Bert Wheeler. "Now we've got the dimwit idiot vote, too! This is America, how can we lose now?"



ISIS has reportedly murdered a four-year-old boy a week after executing his father, who they accused of killing two of its fighters. The bomb, which was triggered by a remote controlled device, was attached to the boy in a way "that his organs would be blown apart."

Planned Parenthood immediately issued a press release condemning the report, stating that the incident "was in fact a really late-term abortion."


In response to this year's all-white Academy Award nominees, Rev. Al Sharpton is organizing a boycott of the ceremonies on February 28.

"We will not rest," said Sharpton, "until the children of the black community know that they, too, have a shot at winning the approval of strangers who would probably mistake them for the wait staff anyway, by getting an invitation to a boring, four-hour back-slapping event on the chance of winning a gold-plated statuette that means absolutely nothing to anyone outside that room."


The snowstorm expected for the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast for the upcoming weekend is being described as "historic."

By "historic," meteorologists explain it's going to be their 100th incorrect snowstorm prediction of the decade.

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BREAKING NEWS: 1/17/16

Researchers have successfully revived microscopic creatures known as waterbears that had been kept frozen for 30 years.

The researchers are currently working on Hillary Clinton's personality.



A new study from the Rotman Research Institute s states that people with good memories are more susceptible to dementia in their later years. 

"The good news," said spokesman Brad Lanes, "is that you won't remember how good your memory used to be."



In related news, Scientists at the Dept. of Agriculture and the Monnell Chemical Senses Center say that an odor in urine can signal whether is a person is likely to develop dementia.

"You won't be able to do anything about it," admitted Dr. Rupert Bulfinch, "but, hey, who wants to remember smelling their own piss?"

Boston marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has been told he will not be granted a new trial over his 2013 attack after his lawyer attempted to argue that his original jury was biased.

Tsarnaev's lawyer said, "How were we supposed to find a fair jury when terrorists weren't allowed in the jury pool?"


Lithuanian artist Julijonas Urbonas has designed a model for a "death rollercoaster" with extreme g-force for people with terminal illnesses. Urbonas explains, "Your blood is rushed to your lower extremities so there is a lack of blood in your brain, so your brain starts to suffocate. When your brain starts to suffocate, people become euphoric." 

Members of the RNC are trying to figure out how to provide the Jeb Bush campaign with the first ticket.


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BREAKING NEWS: 1/16/16

Robins Air Force Base in Warner Robins, Georgia was forced to apologize for a controversial ad promoting a Martin Luther King Jr. Day “fun shoot."

"We realize the mistake that we made," admitted spokesman Brad Lanes, "and want to put this behind us. So instead, we're going to have a 'Wacky Air Show' on September 11."

In France, a drug trial for a painkiller containing a cannabis-based ingredient has left one person brain dead and nine others either seriously ill or with irreversible handicaps.

As news of the trial became known, a common response was, "Whoa, that sounds like some pretty good shit!"



Wal-Mart is closing 269 stores, more than half of them in the U.S. The decision will impact a total of 16,000 employees.

"But the good news," said spokesman Bert Wheeler, "is that they'll be making more on unemployment than they did working for us!"

While being escorted into Alaska's Fairbanks Correctional Center, Chelsea Sperry underwent a body scan for any smuggled contraband. Her vagina contained six $100 bills, three $50 bills, and seven $20 bills (all of which were counterfeit), two baggies of methamphetamine, a baggie containing seven morphine sulfate pills, and two baggies of heroin, as well as a large baggie containing 40 smaller baggies that were similar in size to the ones containing the meth and heroin. There was a also $10 bill in her anus.

When confronted with the contraband, Ms. Sperry said, "I wondered what happened to that $10!"



Researchers from the Institut Marquès in Spain have developed the Babypod, which they claim stimulates neurons in a fetus's brain stem by playing music when the mother places it in her vagina.

A guard at the Fairbanks Correctional Center said, "Oh yeah, we found that, too."


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HUTCH FOR SALE

Aye, aye captain -- or ai yi yi?

In what is another sign of Playboy's fading glamour, Hugh Hefner is putting his mansion up for sale. For $200-million, the ground zero of 35 year-old Pac-Man machines, soiled rugs, torn curtains, and Quaalude-fueled parties ending in underage sexual assaults can be yours. 

The only hitch? Hefner himself gets to stay there until he dies. Being an avid TV-watcher, he probably saw those reverse mortgage commercials on cable and thought, Hey, that's for me! Only this way he doesn't have to deal with a bank.

Doesn't this make you nostalgic?

A big question, of course, remains. Is the purchaser forbidden to actually live there until Hefner goes to that bunny warren in the sky? Hefner's 87, but he appears to have many years left in him to pretend it's still 1967 and Bill Cosby, Warren Beatty and Roman Polanski are hanging out in the grotto. (Anybody see a connection?)

Or do you get to live there while Hefner has a wing to himself? Frankly, the idea of accidentally running into a pajama-clad, slipper-shuffling geriatric wearing a captain's hat and sporting a chemically-induced erection in the middle of the day has no appeal to me whatsoever. 

Hefner, Bill Cosby, Shel Silverstein and
Norm Crosby -- now that's a party!

I suppose one possible home-buyer would be some wealthy young hedge-funder whose yearns for the Rat Pack days when life wasn't so darn serious. When booze ran freely, cigarettes were proudly puffed, and women were just really, really comfortable pieces of furniture. 

Yet, I come not to condemn Hugh Hefner. He financed the restoration of the Sherlock Holmes movies starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce. That alone gives him a gold star in my book. 

But there is something to be said about aging gracefully -- not to mention spending some of your own cash on upkeep rather than leaving it to the buyer. I've watched enough of those home shows on HGTV to know that the only thing more important than curb appeal is that the place is as move-in ready as possible. I'd take the screening room with the pipe organ, but the dog-poop carpets and the walking cadaver in the purple robe have to go.

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GLOBAL POLITICAL SYSTEM

Contrary to what they individually believe, not every candidate for president is going to get the job. Hanging chads aside, come November 9 only one of them will hold the title "President-Elect." The rest will return to their day jobs.

Unless they don't. Losing presidential candidates miss the daily exposure, the constant interaction with people. That's why I suggest they all start recording their voices for the GPS devices everyone has in their car. 

Talk about a captive audience! Drivers will have no choice but to hang on every word they say.

BERNIE SANDERS: Take your next left. A hard left. Never go right. Never!... Uh oh, we got a detour up there. Y'know why? The infrastructure of our nation's roads is falling apart. Any highway that's too big to fail is too big to drive on. Now you gotta take the toll road. But if you taxed the rich to cover the cost of maintaining our highways, you could throw your EZ Pass away. Instead, the top 1% gets the easy way out!... 

DONALD TRUMP: OK, first of all, your driving is amazing. Can I tell you that? It's amazing. Not like the driver ahead of you. He's a disaster. Drives like a woman... Hey, you going to Putnam County? You should visit the Donald J. Trump State Park. Really! I'm not kidding, it's amazing. Makes Central Park look like a catbox. Except for the Donald J. Trump Skating Rink in there. That's beautiful... You're looking for a place to eat? Forget about the Taco Bell at the next exit. It's full of rapists and murderers. You should try the Trump Grill at the Trump Tower. The shrimp scampi is AMAZING...


HILLARY CLINTON: OK, before we go, are you buckled up? The government has mandated that you have to wear your seatbelt... OK, now just stay in the middle the whole way. No turns. Oh wait, you want to go right? Great, I'm with you! Right is the way to go. That's been my positioning all along... I see you're going left. Good choice! In fact, I suggest we go even further left and -- ah, right turn only. That's what I've been saying from the beginning...

JEB BUSH: Take the next exit. Wait, you're not listening to me, I said the next exit. Alright, now we're going to have to reconfigure. Turn right at the next intersection. I said "right." Look, I've got the answers here, pay attention! I know what I'm talking about. Now you're going to have to make a U-turn and -- you're going left now, I can tell. Pay attention to me!...


CHRIS CHRISTIE: The bridge is out. HAHA! Gotcha! Now shut up and let me do the driving.







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BREAKING NEWS: 1/12/16

The scorned ex-girlfriend of an S&M “master” to a Catholic priest sent Timothy Cardinal Dolan ­e-mails laying out details of the romps that were funded with cash skimmed from the poor box, alleging, “Father Miqueli drinks his piss.”

She added, "And you don't wanna know what they use as the wafer!"

Human organs are being grown in livestock for the first time in pioneering experiments that could solve the transplant shortage.

Doctors are expected to remove the first liver from Kim Kardashian next week.

A 'mind-reading' device that can decipher words from brainwaves without them being spoken has been developed by Japanese scientists, raising the prospect of'telepathic' communication.

The scientists are calling it "tsuma," which translates to English as "a wife."

A New York company says it will soon offer the first certified kosher medical marijuana in order to help serve the dietary and medical needs of the largest Jewish community in the United States.

The marijuana will be baked into rugelach, thus causing and curing the munchies simultaneously.

The Vatican released a document confirming that Jews can go to the same heaven as Christians without converting from their religion.

A Jewish worshiper in Williamsburg told a reporter, "I don't care where I wind up as long as I can bring my weed."

Billionaire media giant Rupert Murdoch, 84, announced his engagement to former super-model Jerry Hall, 59 yesterday.

Ms. Hall's gift registry requests include rat poison, a probate lawyer, and an airtight alibi.







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BREAKING NEWS: 1/11/16

A pregnant California woman has filed a claim saying she found a bloody fingertip in a salad at an Applebee's restaurant in Paso Robles, California.

The woman's lawyer, J. Cheever Loophole, told reporters, "This is an outrage. If my client had wanted ladyfingers, she would have ordered one!"

At least week's meeting of the Television Critics Association, ABC Entertainment chief Paul Lee told reporters that he would be "very surprised" if next season's installment of The Bachelorette "isn't diverse."

"And by diverse," Lee added, "I mean casting one person whose IQ is above room temperature."

UFO hunters claim that archaeologists in Austria have found a clay model of an 800 year-old cell phone featuring cuneiform writing carved on the "keys" which was left by aliens.

A press release later explained that it was in fact a phone from Consumer Cellular for its "more mature customers in language they can understand."

Rolling Stone has come under fire for hiring Sean Penn to interview notorious drug supplier Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Leora, who, until late last week, was on the run from Mexican authorities after breaking out of prison six months ago.

Asked why he chose Penn to interview the world's most wanted criminal, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner explained, "Having been married to Madonna, Penn was used to dealing with a narcissistic, control freak power-hungry maniac who'd kill anybody who stood in their way."

The FBI is investigating the death of an unarmed, African-American pizza delivery man after he was shot 19 times by Chicago police.

Asked for an explanation, Chicago PD spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "Next time when we ask for anchovies with extra cheese, goddammit, make it with anchovies with extra cheese!"

                                     
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