BREAKING NEWS: 3/31/16

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told Chris Matthews that he believed abortion

should be illegal, and that women who undergo abortions should be "punished."

When asked what that punishment would entail, Trump replied, "Putting my picture on the ceiling above their beds."

Billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has called for 'understanding, empathy and love' in order to defeat terrorism.

Zuckerberg made the statement from his well-stocked, multi-million dollar underground bomb-proof home in an undisclosed location.

Kyle Jenner, 18, admits to spending five hours a day doing her nails, explaining that her mother, Kris Kardashian, "drilled it into my head" to always have a good manicure.

Kyle admitted it was five hours more than she's ever spent in school.

A group founded by longtime Hillary Clinton confidant David Brock has filed three ethics complaints with the Federal Election Commission against Bernie Sanders and his allies.

Brock's ethics complaints against Sanders are 1) He entered the race; 2) He's raising more money than Hillary; and 3) He hasn't dropped out of the race.

In related news, Hillary Clinton is holding a rally later today in Purchase, NY.

Asked why she chose Purchase, Clinton replied, "It reminds me how I win over Wall Street voters."

Brad Harris, the founder of Novus Health Care Services in Dallas, Texas owner has been accused of urging nurses to give patients overdoses in order to speed up their deaths and boost profits.

His orders are otherwise known as "Cruz Care."

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BREAKING NEWS: 3/30/16

Donald Trump's campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was arrested and charged with simple battery of former Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields.

Lewandowski denied the charges, explaining that Fields' arm simply got in the way of his clenched fist.

Researchers at Cape Western Reserve University in Ohio and Babson College in Massachusetts have published a study that states atheists exhibit more traits commonly seen among psychopaths, but that religious people are less intelligent than their non-believing counterparts.

The exceptions, however, are religious politicians, who are psychopathic and less intelligent.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz spoke at a Christian conference where pastor Kevin Swanson advocated forcefully for the executive of gays and lesbians – and then cheerfully introduced the Texas senator.

Researchers as Cape Western Reserve University and Babson College said, "See, what did we tell you?"

German car giant BMW apologized for its role in using forced labor to supply armaments and airplane engines to Hitler’s Third Reich.

"On the other hand," said BMW spokesman Brad Lanes, "Germany saved a bundle in defense contracts!"

A survey has shown that 20% of employees would sell their work passwords, with 44% of them willing to do it for less than $1,000.

The rest would arrange to kill their bosses for a six pack and/or a half ounce of weed, "whatever's easier, dude."

Beverage Digest reports that soda consumption fell to a 30 year-low in 2015, to 650 8-ounce servings per person.

The beverage industry plans to counteract those numbers by selling sodas exclusively in 24-ounce sizes.

Vermont State Police have arrested Fernando Estrella after finding 1,428 bags of heroin inside his body.

Experts said it was further proof of the lower consumption of Coke.

                                              

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BREAKING NEWS: 3/28/16

Continuing their weekly tradition, friends of Garry Shandling had one final pick-up basketball game at the late comedian's house over the weekend.

The weekly games were historic for featuring the only basketball team with one black player.

Parents are upset at a North Texas charter school for teaching students about depression, divorce and sexual confusion.

Spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "If anyone's going to be responsible for kids learning about this stuff first-hand, it's the parents!"





Hank Greely, a geneticist at Stanford University, claims that within 20 years humans will be able to reproduce via skin cells, thus eliminating the need for sex.

A consortium of American wives are taking up a collection to speed up the process a hundredfold. 

A study published in the journal The Psychology of Popular Media Culture states that people who watch a lot of reality TV tend to be vain and narcissistic. 

This contradicts previous studies which said the viewers were vapid and imbecilic.




Pope Francis requested that the Rolling Stones cancel their outdoor concert in Havana over Easter weekend.

Asked why, His Holiness said, "You know, they just haven't been the same since Brian Jones left, am I right?"

The Washington Post reports that Republicans have become increasingly ashamed of the "tawdry" misogynistic tone of the current presidential race, specifically the potshots Donald Trump and Ted Cruz have been taking against each other's wives.

Insiders say they prefer that the candidates follow the regular GOP path by preventing women from having abortions, acquiring birth control and receiving equal pay.

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BREAKING NEWS: 3/17/16

Members of ISIS have left the terrorist organization because of "harsh treatment" by their leaders, who doubted their loyalty and were always "bothering" them.

"If I wanted this kind of treatment," a spokesman for the deserters said, "I would've gotten married."




A recently-discovered dossier reveals that one of Adolf Hitler's sexual desires was being defecated on by women.

Donald Trump responded by telling reporters, "This is further proof that I'm not like Hitler. I like to be the one shitting all over people!"

At the annual American Chemical Society meeting, researchers said that maple syrup protects brain cells against rogue proteins that destroy the memory, and, thus, could prevent Alzheimer's Disease.

The lecture was delivered by Dr. Jemima. 



Ride-sharing company Uber has admitted that its passengers have filed five rape claims and at least 170 sexual assault charges against its drivers.

Uber spokesman Brad Lanes has promised that the passengers' tips will be refunded.





Walt Disney Pictures has announced that a fifth Indiana Jones movie is currently in pre-production, and will be released in 2019, when star Harrison Ford will 76 years old.


The title of the movie will be Indiana Jones and the Temple of Sciatica. 

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TEXAS STORMER

Robert Morrow, historian.

For all of the talk surrounding Texas' election results on Super Tuesday, one name never made the network news. You might want to remember it, however, if you want to know why Lone Star Republicans are, pound for steer-fed pound, some of the most deranged elected lawmakers outside of President Robert Mugabe's palace.

You think Donald Trump is colorful? Well, pardner, meet the newly-elected Travis County GOP chairman, Robert Morrow. Trump merely calls his opponents losers. Morrow goes 35 steps further, tweeting that they should "go fuck themselves." 

He's a little harder on Bill and Hillary Clinton, on whom he wishes death by heart attack. (Bill's a vegan now, so that's probably not happening for a while.)

And while he's convinced that Lyndon Johnson was behind the Kennedy assassination, Morrow -- the self-described "face of the GOP" -- isn't above taking a critical look at his own party:

You gotta give him credit. All Trump did was make fun of Perry's glasses, and call Bush "low-energy."

Morrow's Twitter page is filled with similar musings on Hillary Clinton's anatomy, Megyn Kelly's morals, and, when in doubt, Jews. But even Morrow must have realized it was a little too much, as his shout-out to a prominent GOP strategist proves:

I would like to thank Roger Stone for helping me to tone down and moderate my Twitter. The man has been invaluable in that respect.

Later that day, however, came this opinion regarding a former Texas governor:

Rick Perry has craved fucking men in the ass most of his life! Dead serious.

Remember, that was after Stone told him to cool it, so you can imagine what it was like before. 

(Fun facts: The aforementioned Roger Stone was one of Pres. Nixon's "dirty tricksters," and the author of the book that claims LBJ killed Kennedy, which Robert Murrow so admires. Stone also wrote another book that claims George H.W. Bush killed Kennedy. So confusing!)

No coward he, Robert Morrow is happy to take on his critics. When somebody with the handle "LennyBoyUSA" accused him of being an Israel-hater and Holocaust denier, he responded with righteous indignation:

He certainly isn't a racist as some claim:

I support building a wall to keep sexy Mexican girls INSIDE the USA! 

Nor does he like being misquoted, either:

I have NEVER said "many Texas Republican politicians are homosexual pedophiles." GHW Bush however is(was) one.

So get your facts straight, all you haters.

Not exactly a Trump
hair-do, but it's a start.

The Travis County Republican establishment -- I picture them sitting outside the feed store drinking bourbon, smoking cheap cigars and using spittoons -- is described as "apoplectic" over Morrow's election. 

What they might be more concerned about is why Morrow (who proudly boasts support by the neo-Nazi website Daily Stormer) and the 54% of the electorate who voted for him feel right at home with the party. As the Daily Stormer says regarding Morrow's election, "It's our party now."

But let's ask Robert Morrow himself why he was elected: "I think the voters thought my name sounded more "Christian."  

And guess what. Travis County is described as "one of the most liberal counties" in Texas. Yee-haw!

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BREAKING NEWS: 3/1/16

Yoko Ono is now resting at home after having been rushed to Mt. Sinai Hospital over the weekend with the flu.

Shortly after Yoko checked into the hospital, the chief medical team broke up.

Abdi Mohamed, 17, is in a coma after being shot by police in Salt Lake City. Mohamed had been arguing with another person at the time, and refused to obey orders to drop the broomstick he was holding.

Police spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "You have to understand it from the officer's point of view. He was concerned that Mohamed was a witch."

A heckler interrupted Joe Biden during a speech to shout that the Vice-President's son’s death from brain cancer was caused by radiation from cell phones.

Mr. Trump was immediately escorted from the room.

Doctors are now diagnosing their patients with "sexsomnia," a condition where they have no recollection of engaging in sexual acts while asleep.

Women, however, refer to this condition as "being married to the same guy for half my life."


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