SEXTOWN USA

What do South Dakota, Washington, New Hampshire, Kentucky and Alaska have in common? If you immediately answered "states that like step-mom porn," you have a lot to explain to your spouse.

Or... you can tell her that you consulted a map outlining the most popular porn-related search terms on the net. Nothing else can give you a better idea of the United Sexual States of America:

The first thing we can do is put to bed the notion that the USA is homophobic, because we overwhelmingly love the lesbians. East to West, North to South, lesbians are the Donald Trump of porn choices: they're not at 100%, but they have enough a lead so that you might as well give them the crown.

It's interesting that lesbian-loving North Dakota is surrounded by three states -- Montana, Wyoming and Minnesota -- that lean toward step-sister fantasies. (Family values, perhaps?) And unlike the unabashed LESBIAN areas, those aforementioned step-mom states are thousands of miles apart from one another. It's like cancer clusters, only for, uh, step-mom porn.

More fascinating are Arkansas, Tennessee, Nebraska and Vermont's need to see Spongebob getting it on with Wilma Flintstone. I mean, who knew there was such a thing as cartoon porn? 

If you want to see how this plays out, you're going
to have to Google it yourself.

Me, that's who! That is, I was aware of little pornographic comic books from the 1930s nicknamed Tijuana Bibles. These crudely-drawn, cheaply-published things featured popular movie stars of the day in ridiculous stories leading up to incredibly graphic sexual situations... including those involving including Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck and (gulp) Clarabelle Cow. Feel like throwing up your last three meals? Brother, that's the place to start.

But back to the map. Being a card-carrying ofay, I don't know the difference between "Ebony" and "Black," unless the former refers to having sex with a table. But the real outliers are Hawaii, the only one into Asian porn, and Rhode Island, which is strictly MILF. I grew up in Rhode Island, and I don't recall any MILF from my teen years. Either the mothers are younger now (probably), or the Ocean State kids are more desperate than I thought (definitely). 

So what can we learn from today's sex lesson? The United States of America isn't as straight-laced as Republicans and religious figures would have you think. And the people who take part in these particular porn searches likely aren't the ones having sex with children. Those would be the aforementioned Republicans and religious figures. All things considered, then, wanting to see Donald Duck having anal sex with Mickey Mouse now starts to seem rather harmless.

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BEYOND THE BLUE VERIZON

It's easy getting distracted in New York, especially when one is as easily distracted as me. I was on errands this morning, walking south on First Avenue when, on the corner of 84th Street, I saw two 20-somethings dressed in yuppie casual and expensive backpacks getting into a cab. Two 50-somethings in work clothes stood in front of the cab to prevent it from moving.

One of the 50s -- let's call him Bob -- was explaining to the cabbie why he wasn't getting out of the way. The other 50 -- call him Jack -- let him do all the talking. Between the usual ambient sounds and being several feet away, I couldn't hear what Bob was saying. It didn't take me long, however, to figure that the older pair were union guys, and the younger guys weren't. 

Not for a couple of yuppie scabs.

The cabbie tried to reason with Bob, to no avail. And being a union guy himself, the cabbie should have known better. Eventually, the yuppies got out of the cab and started walking south, Bob and Jack on their tail.

Do you blame me for following them? 

The same routine played out again on the corner of 83rd, honking horns be damned. This time, I could hear Bob tell the cabbie, "They're taking our jobs, now they're taking yours!" 

Something else the yuppies were now taking was advantage of Bob's distraction, getting out of the cab and into another that was approaching. It would have worked -- in a Three Stooges movie, maybe -- but not here, not now. 

The yuppies didn't even bother to wait for Bob and Jack's human yellow tape routine. Wearing nervous smiles -- Hey, New York sure is crazy, isn't it? -- they walked east on 83rd, Bob and Jack on their tail. 

I had no dog in this fight, no horse in this race, no elephant in this parade. All I was wondering was, How the hell much longer is thing going to last? And so I continued to pursue them, while staying a safe distance behind.

Bob and Jack didn't appear threatening -- I don't think they were even talking to the guys -- but they were there. In showbiz parlance, they had presence. 

As they reached the end of the block, they turned north on York Avenue. By now, I was getting hungry for my mid-morning snack. I considered ducking into Dunkin' Donuts for a pick-me-up, but didn't want to lose these guys. If I allow anything to interrupt my mid-morning snack, you know it better be for a good reason.

Two thoughts were now occurring to me. 1) My errands were on hold indefinitely. 2) If these yuppies had any sense, they'd just go the Lexington Avenue subway. As big as they were, Bob and Jack would probably think twice about jumping on the tracks to block the #6 train. 

"Who, me? I'm just waiting for a bus!"

Perhaps the yuppies came to the same conclusion, because they now turned west on 86th. But upon reaching First Avenue, they stood at the corner waiting for a cab. (Don't these guys ever learn?) I ducked behind the MTA map at the bus stop, trying to be as inconspicuous as one can be while wearing a 1940s-style fedora in 2016.

Having no luck catching a ride, everybody wound up walking north, turning west onto 87th. We had almost reached Lexington Avenue when the yuppies stopped in their tracks, turned around, and went to a parked cab with a Sikh driver behind the wheel. They probably thought a guy in a turban and black beard had the ability to make his car fly. 

Bob went into his "they're taking your jobs" spiel while Jack hung back as usual. Perhaps showing deference to the driver's religion, Bob appeared to be pretty polite, explaining his side of the story more quietly than he did with the previous drivers.

Again, the yuppies left the cab and walked toward Lexington -- only this time there appeared to be a rewrite in the works. "I know what they're doing," Bob told Jack. "They're going to jump in the cab when it turns." 

Well sir, the yuppies jumped into the Sikh's cab when it turned onto Lexington alright -- but not before Bob and Jack got in front of it. Lexington being more crowded than First Avenue, I wasn't the only one watching this Upper East Side drama play out now. So was a cop double-parked behind the cab.

The driver got out to plead his case to the cop before Bob gave his side of the story. I was watching this from across the street, unable to hear what was said. All I knew was that the yuppies now had the perfect opportunity to jump out of the Sikh's cab and into one of many others driving on Lexington. There was no way Bob and Jack would have been able to get in front of it on time.

There was also no way the yuppies were that smart.

And so it continued. Yuppies leave the cab, Bob and Jack follow -- right toward the subway entrance. Here's your chance to make a break for it! It was a chance ignored. For all their college education, these guys were idiots. I ran across the street as they turned west on 86th toward Park. 

For some reason, things came to a stop outside Best Buy, the yuppies apparently trying to figure out their next move. For the first time, Bob looked at me and laughed, "You're following me, too!"

OK, he's smiling, he's not going to hurt me.

Jack was standing near the subway entrance -- ready to block the yuppies if necessary? -- when I got up the nerve to go up to him. "Hi, I, uh, just wanted to see how long this was going to last. You mind if I ask what's going on?"

"We're Verizon workers," Jack replied. They've been on strike in New York because management, after happily accepting labor's concessions a few years back during the recession, wanted even more now that the economy was better. (While I can't recall his every word, you can go here to get the lowdown.) The yuppies were new workers, getting half the salary. Other positions in the company were being outsourced.

Jack went on to explain that he and Bob were following the scabs to remind them that they couldn't just come in take other people's jobs. Having lost my job through outsourcing, I told him, I knew what he was going through. 

The cop on Lexington Avenue, Jack then informed me, didn't do anything because he understood what this was all about. Clearly, these yuppies didn't have a friend in town. 

"Y'know," I said, "I couldn't figure out why they didn't just go into the subway."

Hillary wanted to be there, but had a previous engagement
on Wall Street.

Jack chuckled. "They're scared. They don't know the subway, they're from Ohio. Just look at them," he said contemptuously. "We'd get fired if we worked in those clothes. You're supposed to wear work boots, hard hats, reflector vests..." 

Meanwhile, Bob seemed to be rounding up a posse via his cellphone. As the yuppies resumed the parade, Jack did as well, turning to me to say, "Good luck to you, sir." Aware of my non-employment situation, I know he meant it.

By now, it was roughly 30 minutes past snack time. I resumed following them, however, getting only as far as Park Avenue when the traffic light changed against me. As the four of them blended into the crowd near Madison Avenue, I took that as my cue to exit, stage east. I'd like to think they're still walking around the city, playing out their labor drama until the yuppies give up crying and go back to Toledo.

Fun facts: Verizon made over four billion in profits last year, and its CEO, Lowell McAdam, pulled down over 18-million. Brother, can you spare a health plan?


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NEW YORK (HOME) VALUES

Live long enough in a typical New York apartment, and sooner or later you start to wonder what it would be like to reside in a real house in the country. Then there are people who wouldn't mind a house just a subway ride away from Times Square. You think that's just a dream? Not anymore! 

A single family home in the Gravesend section of Brooklyn can be yours for a mere half-million dollars. Feast your eyes on your future castle:

No photo can do even the nicest house justice, so here's a side view:

One door, one window, aluminium siding, all with a snug 12' x 26' layout. Even by New York standards, this is a hell of a lot smaller than any apartment. But the upside is that, according to realtor Anthony Mussolino, the driveway can hold not one, not two, but six cars:

Question for the jury: How many people living in a 90 year-old shack are likely to own six cars? On the other hand, if you charge your neighbors to park on your property, you could immediately start to recoup your half-mill. (Upside for the ladies: it has a nice garden!)

Coming as it does with "gas and hot water," this chalet, Mussolino assures us, is "better than a condo," without offering any evidence of said claim. (There's nothing in the house's description about a bathroom or kitchen.) At least some condos have doormen. This dump could be advertised as "Break-in Ready." 

Mussolino admits the ol' place "needs some work" -- what 1920s-era house doesn't? -- but explains its interesting history as "a flop house for pets, mainly pit bulls." Ever wonder where that painting "Dogs Playing Poker" originated? Now you can live there! 

Now, any potential homeowner would be remiss without checking out the neighborhood. According the realty's own web site, an average of nine crimes a day, ranging from sex assault to robbery, happen nearby. But hey, it's New York!

And good news for you nature-lovers. It's only steps away from Coney Island Creek, which has a fascinating history:

From the 1890s to the 1950s, Brooklyn Borough Gas produced gas beside Coney Island Creek leeching pollution into it. People would bring their boats here to clean them with the corrosive sludge from the bottom of the creek. When the Verrazano Bridge was being built in the early sixties, excavated debris from the construction was dumped in the Creek. [...] These days, the creek is so polluted that the city is wary of moving [sunken ships] for fear of unleashing dormant toxins in the sludge around them.

 

Keeps on sounding better and better, doesn't it? And yet the house has been on the market for about eight months with no takers, even as its web page boasting 1,613 views at last count, and an estimated monthly mortgage of only $2,188. Perhaps if Mussolino throws in a hazmat suit, a crocodile-filled moat, and an Uzi he might get some action. 

For a comparison, let's see what $499,000 will buy you in Costa Rica:

If I had that kind of dough to drop on a house, guess where I'd live. Hint: The place with toucans in the back yard rather than two cans in the cupboard. 

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/25/16

Border patrol agents at JFK Airport nabbed an American woman named Sheikira Thompson, who allegedly tried to sneak into New York City with half a pound of cocaine stuffed in her vagina.

The agents became suspicious when she was heard urinating at roughly 400 MPH.

A preacher in Alabama told his flock that sex will kill your brain cells, make you homeless, and was brought by God as a means of punishing people. 

Experts said that this explains Alabama.

ISIS leaders are killing their own soldiers for not doing their job properly.

The officer of the executions admitted he stole the idea from Walmart.

Prince Charles had a decades-long “infatuation” with Barbra Streisand — and became so close to the star that Princess Diana “would not have been surprised if they had an affair,” a royal pal has divulged.

When asked to explain, Prince Charles admitted he wanted to be the pretty one in a relationship for a change.

Saudi Arabia’s top cleric has defended a ban on women driving by claiming it would ‘expose them to evil’.

In a poll taken of American men, 100% of them said, "Hey, just exposing them to the road is enough of a reason."

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/22/16

The legendary Prince died yesterday at his home outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota. He was 57 years old. 

Among the countless celebrities reacting online was Sarah Palin, who tweeted, "So sorry to hear about the passing of Prince. My condolences to the royal family."

In an interview on Today, Donald Trump said that he would change the GOP's rigid stand on abortion.

Trump said that abortions should be legal when the political life of the candidate is in jeopardy.



Investigative journalist Seymour Hersh told AlterNet that the Saudi Arabian government bribed Pakistan with "hush money" to hide Osama bin Laden from the U.S. because the Saudis didn't want American officials to interrogate him.

Saudi government spokesman Abdul Nnadhill condemned the story. "What Mr. Hersh said is unequivocally false. That was a finder's fee."

The Texas Criminal Board of Appeals is using the 1937 novel Of Mice and Men to justify the execution of mentally-disabled Bobby James Moore, who accidentally killed a man during a botched robbery attempt with two acquaintances.

Judge Brad Lanes defended the court, adding that it was no different than when it decided a kidnapping penalty on the standard set down by The Cat in the Hat.

The Rhode Island Board of Elections announced that two-thirds of the state’s polling places would remain closed for the upcoming primary as a costs savings measure. 

Hillary Clinton reacted with a round of applause and free Champagne for Board officials.

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BREAKING NEWS 4/20/16: NEW YORK PRIMARY EDITION

Hillary Clinton triumphed resoundingly over Bernie Sanders in yesterday's New York primary. Clinton won the popular vote by 16%, while gaining 135 delegates to Sanders' 104.

In a statement to the press, Sanders' campaign manager, Jeff Weaver, bemoaned his candidate's loss as "further proof of a rigged system. Once again, the Clinton campaign has brought out more voters than we have. If we had more voters in the race leading up to New York, Bernie would have been the clear winner. 

"Therefore, I have just sent a letter to the DNC with four demands. First: that the party re-do the entire primary during the first two weeks of May, starting with the first debate. Bernie wants to say that he does care about those damn emails. I don't know how we messed that up, but I assure you we won't make that mistake again.

"Second: we want all the states to allow independents to participate in what would otherwise be closed primaries. People are sick and tired of the establishment writing things called 'rules' that have to be 'followed' in order to 'win.'

"Third: To further level the playing field, we are requesting that voter registration be abolished once and for all.  So-called 'registration' is nothing more than the establishment keeping track of 'who's who.' People wanna vote, let 'em vote! What do you care?

"And fourth: Lower the voting age to 12. Look at our rallies -- it's kids! Kids who don't have the right to vote for their candidate. To quote my 6th-grade nephew, 'What kind of shit is that?'

"We are confident that if our four demands are met, we will enter Philadelphia in July with a clear mandate from the voters. Otherwise, it will just be another victory for The Man. Or, in this case, The WoMan."

Meanwhile, Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook addressed reporters regarding the former Secretary of State's delegate numbers. "It's become clear that Bernie Sanders has no clear path to victory. Yet, time and again, he has refused our request to drop out of the race and endorse Secretary Clinton.

"We are left, then, with no choice but to ask that our supporters take Bernie Sanders out of the race -- permanently. How you do it is none of our concern, nor is the place or time of day. All we ask is that it happens as soon as possible, and with as little collateral damage as possible. We've taken enough flack for Libya. 

"Of course, we're going to need proof that the deed has been done. A photograph will not be enough. If you have what we're requesting -- and you know what I'm talking about -- please bring it in a leak-proof gallon-size Ziploc baggie to Clinton Campaign Headquarters Inc., 70 West 38th Street, New York, New York. That's not far from Penn Station, in case you have to come in from out of town.

"And while Hillary Clinton won't be able to thank you personally for your help, you will earn her sincere thanks, as well as a pair of souvenir 'Ready for Hillary' low-cut shoe liners.

"Then, with Sanders finally out of the way once and for all, America will finally have the president it deserves. For as long as she wants."

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/19/16

Ted Cruz said Monday that single moms living in rough urban neighborhoods should pack guns so they can protect their kids.

"And if nothing else," he added, "they won't have the police to blame for shooting each other."

Disgraced former New York assemblyman Sheldon Silver has been accused of being a "cheap date" by carrying on affairs with his mistresses in rundown Albany hotels.

Silver defended himself by pointing out he was saving the taxpayers' money.

According to the new biography The Naturalist, Teddy Roosevelt started planning New York's Museum of Natural History in his bedroom.

Kim Kardashian boasted, "Hey, that's where I started my career, too!"

As Election Day approaches, Republicans are worried not only  about losing the White House, but control of the Senate as well.

Minority Leader Harry Reid told them, however, that if the Democrats reclaim the Senate, the GOP "can rest assured that we still won't do a damn thing about gun control, lobbyists writing laws, or corporate fatcats flooding the political system with money. We're just better-dressed whores, that's all!"




Google Trend number crunchers compared searches for presidential candidates with the food their New York-based supporters like the most. They discovered that their diets reflect their politics.

TRUMP SUPPORTERS:

• White fish with white sauce and white rice
• Cauliflower
• Wonder Bread
• Vanilla Ice Cream

CLINTON SUPPORTERS:

• Raw meat
• Nails
• Lizard's leg
• Owlet's wing

SANDERS SUPPORTERS:

• Whatever's on the early bird menu

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/18/16

The organizers of the Coachella Music Festival are planning an October concert featuring Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Roger Waters, Neil Young, the Rolling Stones, and the Who.

Coachella spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "The only thing more exciting than having all these legendary artists together for the first time is seeing how many of them live long enough to make it."

Dubai's top religious authorities have issued a fatwa against WiFi theft. Fatwas often go hand-in-hand with death sentences.

The authorities admitted they got the idea from Time-Warner Cable.

A group of around 100 Bernie Sanders supporters angrily showered Hillary Clinton's motorcade in 1,000 one-dollar bills as the 2016 Democratic presidential candidate drove to a fundraiser with George and Amal Clooney on Saturday.

Four people were injured, none seriously, when Clinton slammed on the brake before collecting the money.

Isidore Heath Campbell, who named his son Adolf Hitler and daughter Eva Braun before they were taken away by social services, says he is sick of people treating him like garbage.

"Our client, Mr. Campbell, assures people he means no disrespect to anybody," said a spokesman from the law firm of Goebbels, Himmler & Goring.

Michael John Harcharik, a New Mexico paramedic, stole a debit card from a man getting treatment, and used it to spend more than $11,000 after the patient died, authorities said.

In his defense, Mr. Harcharik said the guy wasn't going to use it anymore anyway.

Bernie Sanders drew his biggest crowd yet at a Prospect Park rally in his hometown of Brooklyn on Sunday.

"As I think back on the massive groups of supporters during this campaign," Sanders told the cheering throng, "I am humbled by the fact that if any of you were actually registered to vote, I might have had a chance of winning this goddamn election!"

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/15/16

Former Democratic presidential candidate Martin O'Malley and former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, both musicians, are considering putting together a band.

The names they're considering are The Losers, Fatboy & The Nobody, and Hillary's Dartboard.

Leslie Van Houten, convicted of the murder of Leno La Bianca and his wife Rosemary in 1969 under orders of Charles Manson, was recommended for parole  after undergoing counselling. A spokesman for the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation said she had provided an 'insight why she committed the crimes.'

As for what that insight was, Van Houten said, "If a guy looks, dresses and sounds crazy, he's probably crazy. Now they tell me, right?"

Jennifer Lopez has told People magazine that making things right with her ex-husband Marc Anthony is "the hardest work I do."

The second hardest thing, she added, is lip-syncing in concert without forgetting the lyrics.

Jack Harry Smith, the oldest person on Texas' death row, died of natural causes at the age of 78, after waiting 38 years to be executed.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz condemned the incident as "just another case of a criminal getting off easy."

Billionaire grocery heiress Andrea Catsimatidis has fallen in love with phone-charger CEO Ben Richman, two years after divorcing Richard Nixon's grandson.

Asked about the romance, Ms. Catsimatidis told reporters, "I've always wanted to know what it was like to be part of the most boring headline ever."

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BREAKING NEWS: 4/14/16

Mother Jones revealed that, as Texas’ solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz wrote a 76-page briefing against dildos.

The reason he wanted to ban them, Cruz admitted, was that he was "sick and tired" of everybody using the word to describe him. He added that, if elected president, he will also ban douchebags, scumbags, and asswipes.

Rumors are swirling that Lindsay Lohan, 29, is engaged to her Russian billionaire boyfriend, Egor Tarabasov, 22.

When asked what it was that attracted him to her, Tarabasov said, "Lindsay reminds me of my mother. I mean, if my mother looked like she stumbled out of the drunk tank after a decade-long bender."






Nearly 30,000 people attended a Bernie Sanders rally in lower Manhattan's Washington Square Park last night.

Hillary Clinton tweeted, "I'm calling on my opponent to condemn those 30,000 freeloaders for causing a traffic jam and preventing hardworking Wall Street investors from arriving back at their homes in Connecticut at a reasonable hour."

Canadian Rocker Bryan Adams cancelled a concert in Mississippi due to the state's new anti-LQBT laws.

However, he thanked the lawmakers for getting his name in the papers for the first time in 30 years.




ISIS has published a hit list of Western Muslims, including Minnesota Rep. Keith Ellison, Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, members of the British Parliament, and three American imams.

In response, Tea Party spokesman John Sivoney said, "This proves our message is catching on everywhere."



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... PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER, THEY SPELL "LOVER"

A little over a year ago, I wrote about a father and daughter who started dating  (i.e., having sex) after a lifetime of separation. At the time, the general consensus was, What could be more repulsive? 

Glad you asked.

A mother who was reunited with her son after giving him up for adoption more than 30 years ago says the pair are in love and trying for a baby after he left his wife for her.

British-born Kim West, 51, and her son Ben Ford, 32, who lives in Michigan, have been in a relationship since they met in 2014 and says they have 'incredible and mind-blowing' sex.

Yikes! A 32 year-old man having sex with a 51 year-old woman? Disgusting!

Stop the presses. Please.

This wacky relationship is more confusing than it seems. Unlike other guys, Ben has to remember to buy birthday, anniversary and Mother's Day cards. And if Kim gives birth, their offspring will also be her grandchild, thus having the urge to be strict and spoil the kid. 

(Quick aside: These two seem to have skipped science class the day they would've learned that incest is icky, and getting knocked up at 51 is impossible without some lab work.)

It all began like any number of "love at first sight" romances:

The pair came back into contact two years ago after Mr. Ford wanted to find out more about his birth parents and got in touch with Miss West.

They found themselves sexually attracted to each other and shared their first kiss over a bottle of champagne in a hotel before having sex.

You probably had a similar encounter at least once in your life. Only not with your goddamn parent!

That wasn't the only fly in the incestuous ointment. Ben, you see, was married. And he found himself in the same predicament that many men do when there's another woman:

Mr. Ford told his wife Victoria he no longer loved her and would be leaving.

He told New Day that he told his wife: 'Every time I have had sex with you since I met her, I imagine it’s her I am kissing, otherwise I can't perform.'

Needless to say, this would have the opposite effect on most men. 

Now, I understand the urge for some couples to tell the world about their love. Especially when you can make money off it by selling it to a British tabloid. But if you were mother and son, wouldn't you want to keep it under wraps?  

Perhaps Kim and Ben are thinking that now. Under Michigan law, they could serve 15 years in the slammer, forcing them to go underground (although not far enough). However, they appear to have science on their side:

Research by the British Medical Journal shows that half of people separated from relatives at a young age experience strong sexual feelings when they are reunited.

When families grow up together, an inherent taboo is created which desensitises them to sexual attraction.

But those who miss out on this time can develop powerful, obsessive feelings for their parents or even siblings in adulthood.

This is known as Genetic Sexual Attraction. And if it has a name, you know you can't help it. 

So reflect on that when you wish you had been given up for adoption instead of growing up with your stupid family. That could be you on the front page of New Day.

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