BREAKING NEWS: 5/27/16

In order to raise funds for a nonprofit that promotes women's reproductive health, a man walked around New York this week wearing a pink vagina costume.

Most people, however, said he looked like a freakin' dick.

Father Cipriano de Meo, who has been an exorcist since 1952, told the Catholic News Agency how to tell if someone is possessed by the devil, or is in reality mentally ill.

"It's easy," he said. "If they vote for Trump, they're evil. If they vote for Hillary, they're nuts." He then paused a moment before adding, "Or is it the other way around?"

The principal at the federally-funded St. John’s Lutheran School in Baraboo, WI, sent a letter to parents demanding they provide students’ birth certificates in order to "weed out" LGBT students, who would otherwise be expelled for their "transgression."

Parents, in turn, demanded the school provide proctologists in order to weed out the assholes on the faculty.

Kristin Rightnour, a Catholic marketing boss for Tiffany's, claims she was discriminated against after telling a Jewish colleague that “the Jewish people killed Jesus."

"I'm not antisemitic," Rightnour insisted. "That's why I work at Tiffany's, because the Jews are why it's called 'jewelry,' right?"

Hollywood film legend Faye Dunaway arrived at amfAR’s star-studded gala in Cannes, France, with a scale to weigh her food and calculate her calories.

Security agents, meanwhile, were analyzing Dunaway to determine if she was an alien.

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BEAUTY IS THE BEAST

A year ago, I wrote about how women were going wild over Shabini, the handsomest gorilla in the Higashiyma Zoo. At the time, it seemed like a peculiarly Japanese phenomenon, like babymetal music and girls who want fake snaggle-teeth.

Wrong again. Now it's American women who are falling for a celebrity of another species. And he lives not in L.A. or New York, but the Ozarks, for cripes sakes. Guys, meet your latest competition, Frederik the Great.

You don't have to be a zoophile to exclaim, Holy Trigger! That's one good-looking stallion! And indeed, Frederik the Great is considered by many to be the handsomest horse in the world. 

You're never going to see this beast hauling a harness at Vernon Downs. But lest you think the above photo is an aberration, take a look his left profile.

Frederik has no such thing as "a good side." Every side is good. No, fantastic. And before you compare him to human celebrities who need to undergo hours of primping, Frederik's mane is not only natural, it allegedly changes according to his mood. Who knew horses even had moods? 

It probably comes as no surprise that Freddy has his own Facebook page, where he communicates with his 12,500 fans. Unlike many other celebrities, it's not all selfies and vodka shooters. During last year's floods in the Midwest, he took the time to address those less fortunate:

I'm on high ground and safe but thinking of all my Friends both Human and Animal in the floods of Texas and Oklahoma. Stay Safe signed, Frederik the Great

You see? Frederik is thinking of you. 

And his followers are sure as hell thinking of him, like the lovesick woman who wrote, "There will NEVER be a more majestic, handsome, sexy horse on the face of the earth. Never, ever. I wish I could just touch and 'smell' him just once." 

Men -- have your wives ever said anything like that to you? Hell, Mr. Ed never gave women the vapors, and he could talk! 

Not even my wife was immune to Freddy's charms. I was in the kitchen as she was scrolling down the webpage of his photos. All I could hear emanating from the living room was, "Wow... Wow!...Wow!" That did wonders for my self-esteem.       

                                                                                  

But I remembered that Frederik has the same effect on every woman he crosses bridal paths with -- especially his owner:

The actual caption to this photo reads, My Human says, “This is my second most favorite place in the whole world, my first is on your back”. signed, Frederik the Great

As my wife would say, Wow. I can't imagine what your average filly thinks. And modest guy that he is, Fred's stud fee is only a little over $5,400. Not to be crude, but judging by other comments on his Facebook page, there seem to be more than a few women would happily spend their kid's college fund on a roll in the hay with Freddy-boy

It's bad enough when I compare my looks to the George Clooneys of the world. You know, humans. But when I can't even go toe to hoof with a literal horseface, I know I'm headed for the last round-up. 

Send me out to pasture, boys. Just keep that show-off Frederik Not So Great away from me. I've got a pair of clippers that'll fix his wagon but good. See what the girls think then.

Goddamn show-off son of a bitch Mr. Hair On His Hooves bastard.

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/25/16

The Archdiocese of Rockville Center, Long Island, recently warned parents about an illicit website that allows users to ask for nude photos of specific students by name.

Parents were described as shocked, especially because the priests didn't keep this information to themselves.

According to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, people who watch pornography more than once a week become more religious.

A researcher said, "We know this because when they watch internet porn, they start yelling, 'Oh God, oh God, OH GOD!'"

Several parents in Ontario, Canada who paid $299 to a prenatal clinic for images of their unborn children claim they received identical pictures.

In response, clinic spokesman Brad Lanes blamed the women for having sex with the same man.

During an interview in Amsterdam, Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he saw an iPhone in the 1670 painting "Man Hands a Letter to a Woman in a Hall" by Pieter de Hooch.

When informed of Cook's claim, art historian Dan Hoak scoffed, "This is nonsense! Everyone knows de Hooch was an Android guy."

As researchers experiment with growing human organs inside of pigs and sheep, the scientific community is concerned that they could one day create "monstrous" animal-human hybrids.

A spokesman for the E! channel said, "They obviously haven't been watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians."




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CUCKOO FOR CANINES

When does "just a way of life" slip into "that person is crazy"? Not clinically crazy, but actually choosing to be more off the charts than a Julius LaRosa album. And, taking it one step further, is choosing to be crazy even crazier than actually being crazy?

Earlier this year, I wrote about Nano the Norwegian, a woman who decided one day that she was a cat. A doctor blamed her condition on a "genetic defect," which was just a nice way of saying, "Now get the hell out of my office."

So what would the doctor say to the approximately 10,000 people in the UK who indulge in "puppy play"? These aren't guys who take their dogs out on walkies. No, they, like Nano, dress up and become their animals of choice. 

Shake paws with Tom:

What's astonishing is that she lets him on the couch.

Tom, 32, a theatre technician from Tring, Hertforshire, split up with his fiancee Rachel because of his yearning to dress up as a Dalmatian.

Tom doesn't explain why he chose that particular breed. Maybe he likes hanging out in firehouses. I just hope it's not because he's a fan of 101 Dalmatians, because that just means he'd find 100 more guys like him.

So what's it like to be Tom? Let him explain:

 'You disappear and start chasing puppy toys. You go so deep into the head space, you crave it and want it. It's just magic.'

How much is that doggie in the window? And how much would
you pay not to pass by it at night?

"Head space" is an interesting phrase to use, considering it sounds like he's got plenty of space up there already. But at least he's cognizant enough of his new lifestyle to actually sleep in a dog training box lined with "wee-wee pads."  Yet even with that skill, he wouldn't be allowed to live in many New York apartments.

Like Nano, Tom doesn't seem to entirely embrace the animal life. He hasn't appeared to have given up fish & chips for Gravy Train. Nor is it likely that he has to "go for a walk" after eating. However, many of the puppy players do actually engage in canine-style sex, which isn't terribly unusual. Unless, of course, you're dressed like dogs. 

She still has him on a leash.

Although there's a UK "Puppy Pride" expo next weekend, not everyone is excited, including Tom's ex-fiancee Rachel -- although they're still on speaking (barking?) terms. So who's nuttier? The guy in the dog suit, or the ex who still wants to be his friend? 

If this trend catches on below the Mason-Dixon line, you can be sure of laws preventing adults from buying all products doggy -- costumes, toys, birthday cakes -- if they don't match their birth species. If nothing else, the puppy players would be called dumb sons of bitches. Which they'd take as a compliment.

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/20/16

Nike has released its "Dunk Low Premium Edition Starbucks" sneakers, which feature muddy swirls and green accents that bear an uncanny likeness to a Starbucks cup of coffee.

The footwear further mimics the famed coffee by being burned, overpriced, and too goddamn large no matter what size you order.

When the Louisiana State House took up a bill that would raise the legal age of strippers from 18 to 21, Rep. Kenneth Harvard suggested an amendment limiting the strippers' weight to no more than 160 pounds "in keeping with the spirit of trimming the fat."

Another bill would limit the IQ of Louisiana representatives to no less than 85.

Facebook initially refused to take down a video of three men physically assaulting and undressing a woman in a Jamaican dancehall "because it didn't violate our Community Standards."

When asked to explain, Facebook spokesman Brad Lanes said, "The men aren't Republicans."


China has been forced to deny claims that it is marinating dead bodies, canning them and selling them as a meat product in Africa.

A government spokesman said that they were actually sold to North Korea.



A CBS/New York Times poll shows Donald Trump has a favorability rating of 24% with his unfavorable at 57%, while Hillary Clinton is 31% favorable and 52% unfavorable. 

Instead of voting for either of the candidates, 90% of those polled would rather fly Egypt Air, be a volunteer for the Zika virus vaccine, or eat marinated dead bodies from China.

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/19/16

In a radio interview yesterday, Republican Representative Steve King of Iowa warned that transgender civil rights will lead to an influx of "sweaty women" in public bathrooms.

A subsequent poll found that an overwhelming number of men replied, "Yeah, baby, now we're talkin'! Ow!"

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump met with former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York on Wednesday.

When asked for the reason of the meeting, Trump told reporters, "Now that I've got the racists and nationalists lined up, I figured it was time to go for the war criminals."

Former Democratic Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, a prominent supporter of Hillary Clinton, said that Donald Trump's past comments on women will come back to haunt him because “there are probably more ugly women in America than attractive women.”

In a quick survey, however, most women thought that Trump had the advantage because if Rendell is any indication, most men are stupid and look like Archie Bunker.

Mayor Bill de Blasio's Commission on Human Rights will fine New York's businesses and employees up to $250,000 for failing to refer to transgender people with terms such as 'ze' and 'hir'. 

However, news outlets will be rewarded if they fail to use the words "scandal-ridden," "corrupt," "sellout," and "sinking poll numbers" in connection with de Blasio.

A hacker claims that he has 117 million LinkedIn sign-in passwords for sale.

In announcing the sale, the hacker said, "This is your chance to finally connect with people who have no interest in hiring you."

The news site HeatStreet has compiled several photos of former president Bill Clinton engaging in "manspreading," the act of spreading one's legs widely while at rest.

When asked why he was so fond of it, Clinton said, "Well, I thought it was only fair, considering how many women I've told to do the same thing for me."

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LOVE DYSFUNCTION

From the Department of No Kidding:

Women really are drawn to men with the dark, brooding looks that suggest they are mad, bad or dangerous to know, according to a new study.

It helped that he had
a nice weekly paycheck.

The geniuses behind this "new study" must have skipped the first 35 years of their own lives. Leo Durocher may have been talking about the New York Giants when he said that nice guys finish last, but it applies to plenty of males who ever attended high school, college, or real life.

Frankly, looking back, I realize I wouldn't have dated me in high school, either, looking as I did like Erine on My Three Sons. Hell, I wouldn't have been my friend, and I liked the same things as me. But at least by the time I was in my mid-20s, I thought I had polished my act enough to believe I was acceptable to the opposite sex. 

Wrong. I once attended a St. Patrick's Day party where a guy celebrated by snorting heroin in the bathroom. It was up to his sweet, beautiful girlfriend -- who clearly was used to this kind of behavior -- to pick him up every time he fell to the floor. It wasn't long before she was literally dragging him out the door.

I watched through the window as they "walked" home, his rubber legs constantly dropping him to the sidewalk as she gallantly propped him up. If snorting skag was what it took to get a girlfriend like her, I was doomed -- even if the experts would have thought me first in line:

Men have facial features that display the 'dark triad' of personality traits - Machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy, according to the study published in for the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour.

Those are the traits that women are said to be drawn to. Now, anyone who knows me probably wouldn't say my face reflects those things. Yet, during my character modeling days, one ad-man told me I could play a stone-cold killer. And when I tried out for the cover of an album by Staind, the photographer said my test shot made me look like I had just escaped from a mental hospital. Success!

All the girls loved Charlie.

But where did those allegedly-negative traits come from? Well, sir, there's evidence that shows creative people tend to share the same personality traits as psychopaths. Maybe if I had played up that side of my personality earlier in life, I might've scored a little more. It sure worked for aspiring singer/songwriter Charles Manson. (Listen to Manson's demo of one of his own songs, circa 1968. I dare you not to think, Gee, this isn't bad for a lunatic.)

But when it comes to romance, it's not enough to be crazy. Women are more likely to lust after men with criminal records than males. And I am living proof. By the time I met the woman who would become my wife, I had already racked up two parking tickets. Soon after we married, I received two more. We now have a daughter. 

Coincidence? Nope. Hybristophilia. Damn, am I hot.

PS: The only reason I didn't appear on the album cover was because the guys in Staind found a derelict on the Bowery who appeared even more authentically crazy than me. Which just proves the psycho always wins.
             

                                                    
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THERE ARE NO REFLECTIONS IN AN OASIS

Not all the news from the Mideast is depressing. Some of it is stupid, as this recent headline from Egypt indicates:

Controversial puppet 'Abla Fahita' to appear in court on June 26

"Tonight on Egypt's Most Wanted..."

Now, by "puppet," they don't mean the political lackeys who do the bidding of their oligarch masters, the American version of which you saw during this season's presidential debates. Nope, this is a real hand-up-the-ass puppet. 

As the Daily Mail reports, Abla Fahita "has been charged with defying 'the values and ethics of Egypt' after making sexual innuendo jokes on her television show." In other words, she's a phyllo-eating Joan Rivers, only with less stuffing in her head. 

But what really bugs the Egyptian autocrats is that Abla mocks them as well. You think Donald Trump is sensitive? Saeed Hassassin, a member of the Egyptian Parliament, is threatening to resign if he or any of his cohorts are mocked by this sack of felt. For a guy who probably considers himself a tough guy (his last name is "assassin" with an "H" stuck in front of it), Hassassin sure sounds like a little girl. Mommy, Daddy, that puppet made of fun of me! Execute it!

Lest you think this story is an outlier, here's another headline from the same country in the same week:

Tom and Jerry to blame for Middle East violence: Top Egyptian official

Don't give ISIS any ideas.

You know, because kids who watch those cartoons automatically start killing people.

OK, now I was never into Tom & Jerry, being more a Looney Toons kind of guy. So maybe a fan of the legendary cat and mouse can confirm that there were episodes where they threw gays off of rooftops, beheaded children, murdered 1500 POWs at once, raped women before stoning them to death, and engaged in other similarly zany adventures. 

But why single out Tom & Jerry? All the old cartoons I watched while growing up were violent. One of the funniest sight gags I ever saw was Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy Duck's beak off, and yet they aren't the government's hit list. Perhaps these Egyptians autocrats, like me, just don't like mice or cats.

The "top Egyptian official" who made the announcement, Salan Abdel Sadeq, appears to run Egypt's intelligence agency. Let me repeat that: Egypt's intelligence agency. As in intelligence. And if what he says is true about the cartoons, then there must be a whole lot of Tom & Jerry fans in their neighboring Saudi Arabian government, which, as of April 1, has authorized 82 beheadings this year. I wish they'd stick to My Little Camel.

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BREAKING NEWS: 5/4/16

Ted Cruz condemned Donald Trump for repeating a story in the National Enquirer linking Cruz' father to Lee Harvey Oswald.

As Cruz wound up the press conference, he added, "I urge all my supporters to join my father this weekend as he delivers his regular Sunday sermon at Our Lady of the Grassy Knoll."

Mars' Temptations Labs has created the Catterbox, a collar that translates a cat's mewing into human speech.

Company spokesman Brad Lanes admitted it could get a little boring hearing "Give me my goddamn food and get lost" all day.

Sesame Street sent a cease and desist letter to a company that used Bert and Ernie in its campaign ad that promoted at-home HIV and STD testing. 

In the letter, Sesame Street explained, "This is shameful. It's a well-established fact that Bert and Ernie have been using condoms for years."

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio and Deputy Police Commissioner Dermot Shea blamed this year's spike in crime on 2016 being a leap year. 

"And you know how some months have 31 days?" de Blasio asked. "Hoo boy, is it going to be rough this year!"

A study in Frontiers in Ecology and Evolution states that the woolly mammoths evolved away from one another, but interbred to create new creatures.

They are known as the Kardashians.

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