Monday, October 12, 2015


Lou Costello obviously had very little sense.
Whenever Bud Abbott wanted his comedy partner to stop ad-libbing on radio and return to the script, he'd bark, "Talk sense, Costello!"

Talk sense. Astute advice, is it not? And yet, there are countless public personalities who not only never heed these two words of wisdom, they positively revel in their own claptrap. 

"Who's on first?" "I dunno, I'm not supposed
to look."
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, for instance. Apparently unhappy with the sharp decline in crime that occurred under the two previous mayors, de Blasio ordered his stooge, Chief William J. Bratton, to tell the cops to knock off any proactive behavior. In other words, Don't do anything until somebody's hurt. The result? Murder is up 6% since last year, and rape 5%. 

But because the rest of the felony crimes (pickpocketing? jumping subway turnstiles?) were down 4%, de Blasio boasts that "overall crime" has dropped during in his administration. You might be dead, the Mayor says, but at least nobody stole your wallet. Talk sense, de Blasio!

No, Doc, that's not how you spell "IDIOT."
Then there's Ben Carson. Since he admits that he cheated on his college chemistry finals when God gave him the answers in advance, maybe he's not as smart as his fans think. First he gives us his sound professional opinion that the nine people shot on an Oregon campus recently were wusses for being frozen with fear at the sight of a madman using them for target practice. Yet the next day, he told an interviewer that his one encounter with a gunman at a restaurant ended happily by advising the criminal to go after the schlub behind the counter instead. That is, if it even happened. 

You know Will Rogers' famous bromide, "I never met a man I didn't like"? This is how Ben Carson updated that remark on his Facebook page: "I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away."  This coincides with Carson's recent observation that those six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust only because they lacked guns. Talk sense, Carson!

"What is this evil called Google of which I'm unaware?"
It takes someone with more strength than me to dig up all the times Hillary Clinton has flipflopped, sidestepped, evaded, fudged, hedged, and contradicted herself (i.e., lied like a Saxon dog).  The most recent of her weekly gaffes concerns the Trans-Pacific Partnership deal -- of which she says, “As of today, I am not in favor of what I have learned about it.” 

What you have learned about it? You helped to create it when Secretary of State, and, by CNN's count, promoted it publicly 45 times! CNN also listed her five opinions on the Keystone Pipeline. Hillary, it appears, is unfamiliar with an obscure computer thingy called an "internet search" which can pull up any statement she's ever made with the push of an "ENTER" button. Talk sense, Clinton!

Gratitude is another spectre.
Stupidity isn't limited to politicians. Last week, Daniel Craig gave Sony Pictures its biggest case of agita since it was learned the studio kept its passwords in a computer file called "Passwords."  Craig starred in the last three James Bond movies, with another, Spectre, set for release later this year, making him the highest-paid actor of the series. So when recently asked if he was looking forward to the next Bond installment, he sighed, "I'd rather slash my wrists."

Craig blames the franchise for his otherwise mediocre box-office career. Tell that to Sean Connery, Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan. After he stops crying in his shaken-not-stirred martini, Craig might want to check his ATM, since he was paid $60-million dollars for Spectre. He even made an extra $5-million just for holding a Sony smartphone onscreen.  And Craig considers this suicide-worthy? Talk sense, Craig!

Yes, these people are in desperate need of a Bud Abbott in their professional lives. Because there's a difference between going for a laugh, and being a laughingstock.


Thursday, October 8, 2015


California Governor Jerry Brown signed the "End of Life Option Act" into law, allowing terminally ill people to commit suicide.

Opponents of the bill said that people already have too much of a chance to end their lives by watching the presidential debates.

Former Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy appeared on 60 Minutes to talk about his new book detailing his family's problems with depression and alcoholism. 

However, he neglected to mention how his family has the same effect on the rest of the public.

It was revealed this week that GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has been sued for malpractice six times. The most damaging claim was that he once left a sponge in a patient's brain.

When asked to explain the latter incident, Dr. Carson said, "I just wanted to let someone know what it's like to be me."

The oldest remains of a mammalian womb have been found inside the 48-million-year-old fossil of an early ancestor of a horse – with its unborn foal still inside.

Ted Cruz told reporters, "This is further proof of the need to defund Planned Parenthood."

Researchers have found that people who meet with friends three times a week lessen their depression.

Meeting with family members three times a week, however, tended to strengthen it.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has come out against Pres. Obama's proposed Trans-Pacific Partnership deal, despite news clips proving she strongly supported it when Secretary of State in 2012.

Mrs. Clinton refused to explain her sudden about-face. However, later in the day her press office released a statement announcing her support of the development of video tape that would self-destruct five seconds after airtime.


Wednesday, October 7, 2015


These colors do not exist in nature.
Hey gang, remember when Mike Huckabee condemned the boycott of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain for its donation to anti-gay marriage campaigns, calling it "economic terrorism"?

Well, neither does Mike. Because desperate poll numbers call for desperate measures, Huckabee is calling for a boycott of Doritos, and not because they taste like spicy woodchips. Time magazine reports:

Huckabee's reason for declaring war on colorful junk food is that It Gets Better was created by gay columnist Dan Savage, whose take on Christianity would contain a little less vitriol if the more outre Christians didn't compare gays to Nazis who should be executed. Baptist minister Steve Anderson, however, would prefer the natural way: “If you’re a homosexual, I hope you get brain cancer and die like Ted Kennedy.”  Jeez, Steve, what about getting Alzheimer's and dying like Ronald Reagan? At least they'd forget to be gay!

Huckabee doesn't go that far, however, merely comparing homosexuality to drug use, drinking and swearing. Trust me, Mike, all that has been known to come into play between plenty of straight couples during sex. 

If Lane is an upstanding American,
why does he look like a Russian gymnastics
This noble cause can't possibly be a one-man job, which is why Huckabee has been joined by David Lane of the American Renewal Project. This is similar to urban renewal projects, only instead of tearing down dilapidated buildings, its goal is to get rid of anyone who isn't a card-carrying heterosexual Christian. (Jews are OK, up to a point -- like, the point of the Rapture. Then it's so long, Shlomo!)

Lane says that the USA is a "Christian nation" which needs to get rid of secularism, and whose Christians need to prepare for martyrdom in order to end gay marriage. This guy should team up with ISIS and just divide the world into two halves.

More like a battle for the gut of the Huckabee family.
Armchair historian that he is, Lane also states that the separation of church and state is, at the risk sounding tautological, a "fabricated whopper."  But nothing compares to his Doritos boycott, which he rather extravagantly calls "a battle for the soul of America."

If that's true, Lane and Huckabee must think that the US itself is like Doritos: thin, brittle, and utterly lacking in nutritional value. Man, some patriots those guys are!

But patriotism really has nothing to do with this. For, as the old song goes, at the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold. At the end of this rainbow, though, is a pot of gold in campaign donations. The Frito Bandito couldn't have been any slicker.


Saturday, October 3, 2015


Investigators have found 13 firearms connected to Chris Harper Mercer, the man responsible for the mass shooting at an Oregon community college on Thursday, which killed nine people.

In response to demands for gun control, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters, "What with all the school shootings, there's clearly only one solution. And that is for all Americans to return to home schooling. No campus, no campus killer. I would also urge parents to buy guns for themselves. So just in case Junior or Buffy decides to go on a rampage in the living room, Mom can take 'em down with one shell right between the eyes."

White House press secretary Josh Earnest faced reporters who wanted to know how President Obama felt being regarded as "feckless" in response to Russian presidents Vladimir Putin's airstrikes in Syria.

"Look," said Earnest, "if anybody's going to kill innocent civilians in airstrikes, it's going to be us. Like on Friday, when we killed nine staffers at a Doctors Without Borders clinic in Kunduz. So, far from being feckless, I'd say we're totally fecked-up!"

Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) came under fire from fellow Republicans for implying that the Benghazi investigation was actually a politically-motivated hit job on Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

Defending himself, Kevin McCarthy claimed that Democratic undercover operatives were taking over the Republican-led house, as he screamed, "They're here already! You're next! You're next!"

Anthony Cappola, a Republican candidate for New Jersey State Assembly, dropped out of the race after a book he wrote surfaced that includes rants against Asians, gays, immigrants, breast-feeding moms and others.

Mike Hucakbee immediately sued Cappola for plagiarism. 

At a foreign policy forum in Washington, DC, Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee shocked many by defending the late Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez.

To no one's surprise, however, Chaffe also admitted he was actually Clem Kaddidlehopper.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015


Republican presidential candidate and current Ohio Governor John Kasich has said that he will sign a bill that allows women to undergo an abortion only for state-approved reasons.

Kaisch reiterated his belief that abortions should be legal "only when the political life of a Republican is at stake."

The expected Oscar nominee subjects for 2016 are expected to include lesbians and pedophiles.

No word yet, however, on what the characters they're playing are going to be.

CNN has confirmed that former Rhode Island Governor and Senator Lincoln Chafee will take part in the first Democratic presidential debate next month.

CNN spokesman Brad Lanes added, "Senator Chafee will bring his unique perspective on refilling the water glasses for the other candidates."

A former captive of ISIS says that the terrorist group is harvesting healthy organs, including kidneys and corneas, from its prisoners.

Planned Parenthood immediately opened a job recruitment center in Baghdad.

When asked about Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during an interview on CNN, Bill Clinton said that you "can't insult your way to White House."

Clinton added, "You gotta do what Hillary does, and lie your way there."

Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush claimed that African-Americans vote for Democrats because the party offers them "free stuff."

Bush added, "At least Republican donors know they have to pay upfront for the tax breaks we give them."

A Facebook page called "No Hymen, No Diamond" has been set up by "male rights activists" urging women to practice abstinence before marriage.

A sight set up by single women opposing them has been titled, "No Brains, No Head."


Tuesday, September 29, 2015


Researchers at North Carolina State University have discovered that fingerprints reveal if you're of European or African descent.

When asked why just looking at someone's skin color wouldn't be easier, Dr. Brad Lanes said, "That would be racist."

Asked why she supported such a controversial stand, Fiorina said, "It worked at HP."

They warn, however, that anyone remaining thin for more than four hours should consult a doctor.

During the procedure, Bill Clinton is reported to have selflessly visited the plastic surgeon's office to keep the receptionist company.

Theatre manager Spence Waugh told reporters, "I haven't seen a reaction like this since I ran the last Nicholas Cage movie."

In a new interview with Complex, Justin Beiber says, "I just wanna honestly live like Jesus."

In response, millions of people have offered to drive him out to the desert before nailing him to a cross.


Monday, September 28, 2015


"Ha! Watch me spit in this -- nobody'll know!"
It's good to know that not all the kooks call the Republican party their home. Democratic Representative Bob Brady from Philadelphia made sure of that.

When Pope Francis addressed the Congress last week, he took several sips of water to wet his sacrosanct whistle. That was just too tempting for Brady, who grabbed the glass afterwards.

For most people, that would be enough of a souvenir, even if you couldn't prove the Pope had touched it. (I doubt his fingerprints or DNA are on file at Homeland Security, nor is he known to give autographs.) This wasn't Brady's first brush with petty larceny, having swiped President Obama's glass after his inauguration. This time, however, he took the next "logical" step.

"Hey... is that spit I taste?"
After returning to his office, Brady proceeded to drink the same water, before allowing his staff and family to do so as well. Not that they were allowed to touch the glass themselves. Brady held it, like a priest offering the wine to his congregation. And I thought Democrats were the separation-of-church-and-state party.

This is how Brady picks up women.
So at least four people drank the same water from the same glass that, moments earlier, had been drunk from by a complete stranger who had just flown in from Cuba after flying 5,000 miles from Rome. 

Holiness aside, doesn't this seem a little gross? It's not like they were dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley and had no choice but to share the glass. And it's unlikely that Brady turned it so that he and the others each had an untouched part of the rim. No, it was one mouth-print atop the another.

I went to a college where beer was more plentiful than tap water, and nobody was drunk enough to share it with anyone other than their significant other. And even then you drank from the other side. It didn't matter where your mouths were going to be later than night -- you drank from the untouched side of the plastic cup. 

Given the chance, Brady would probably
drink that water, too.
Now we know that Francis is keen on kissing every baby, old lady and unfortunate child that he can plant his papal pucker on. You cannot tell me that he isn't exposed to more germs than you can find at your average salad bar in the Bronx. He'd have to brush his teeth with 20 Mule Team Borax to clean that mouth.

And that's not the half of it. Do you know the kinds of diseases you can pick up just on a plane? A quick Google check is all you need:

"I'll just pretend I'm drinking it."
I got sick just doing a copy and paste of that paragraph. I don't care if Francis flew on a private plane -- germs don't know coach from first class.
Remember, he allowed these photos
to be taken and distributed to the public

Let's review. A guy travels half-way around the world and drops by for a couple of days. Some other guy here steals his water glass and drinks from it, pathogen be damned. Then at least three more partake from the same microbe-ridden vessel. And each of them is subjected to the same bacteria from the persons before him or her. 

What were they trying to prove with this stunt? If Brady was from California, I'd understand. They'll take a glass of water anywhere they can find it these days. But Philadelphia? That's taking Brotherly Love too far.


Thursday, September 24, 2015


"We sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended," said WGN news director Jimmy Schicklgruber.

In related news, Marco Rubio held a fund-raiser on Yom Kippur at the home of  GOP donor Harlan Crow, whose home includes two paintings by Adolf Hitler, a signed copy of Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf, and a cabinet full of place settings and linens used by the Nazi leader.
Asked to comment, Rubio said, "I dunno, I just took him for a former Trump supporter."

Coincidentally, there has been a dramatic rise in New Yorkers handing out selfie sticks to tourists at rush hour.

Also included are miniature pots and pans for the doll to throw at her boyfriend when he looks at her the wrong way until it passes.


Monday, September 21, 2015


Despite complaints from Bernie Sanders and Martin O'Malley, and being heckled at a party convention over the weekend, DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz refused to change her commitment to only six debates for the Democratic presidential candidates

Shortly afterwards, Wasserman Schultz's family members were released frightened but unharmed from a house in Chappaqua. 

Speaking to a group of high school students in Des Moines, Iowa, Donald Trump advised them, "You have to go and follow what you love, you have to do it. And you just have to follow your heart and you'll be successful." 

"Look at me," he said. "I always wanted to be a narcissistic asshole, and here I am!"

Former NBC News anchor Brian Williams walked his daughter Allison down the aisle at her wedding at a 15-acre ranch in Saratoga, Wyoming over the weekend.

Following the ceremony, Williams toasted the couple by announcing that he designed Allison's dress and landscaped the ranch before his plane was almost shot down when flying to the wedding.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who used the phrase "conscious uncoupling" when referring to her divorce from Chris Martin, is now referring to her ex-husband as her "wasband."

In return, Martin no longer uses the word "ex-wife," and simply refers to Paltrow as "the biggest lunatic I ever met."


Tuesday, September 15, 2015


Gary Richrath, former guitarist for REO Speedwagon, died Sunday. He was 65.

His death marks the first time anybody ever knew the name of anyone in REO Speedwagon.

NASA revealed that astronauts create 180 pounds of excrement that burns up in the atmosphere annually.

That amount, NASA admits, still doesn't come within light-years to the amount of excrement that Congress creates that burn up on C-SPAN.

Hillary Clinton said making Bill Clinton her vice presidential running mate 'has crossed my mind,' but conceded it wouldn't be possible.

"For one thing," she explained, "that would mean sleeping together every night."

A perfect storm of Bible prophecies, the Hebrew calendar, the stock market jitters, a blood moon, and an author who claims to have had a near-death experience are all convincing Utah Mormon survivalists that the world is coming to an end this month.

It doesn't help, say the survivalists, that Donald Trump is at 40% in the polls.

On the latest episode of the reality series Project Greenlight, Matt Damon explained to African-American producer Effie Brown that it's important to consider diversity in casting, but not producing, directing or writing.

"However," Damon admitted, "they make for great housekeepers, chauffeurs and shoeshine boys."

Devo singer/bassist Jerry Casale, 67, married Krista Napp, 26, last week on September 11. The reception featured a wedding cake in the shape of the World Trade Center, while each guest was given a box cutter as a souvenir. 

Casale told reporters, "Krista and I are thrilled, not just to have gotten married, but to have held this event in Santa Monica instead of New York, where they would have kicked our asses from here to Saudi Arabia."