Wednesday, July 1, 2015

HEADLINE OF THE DAY: 7/1/15

Some headlines need no accompanying story, commentary or jokes. Just a handful of words can say it all. So I present today's honest-to-gosh, 100% for-real internet headline of the day:

Kim Kardashian Angers Fans by Speaking at Educational Organization

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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

LOOKIN' FOR LUKA

Much has been made about Joyce Mitchell, the seamstress who helped two killers escape from a maximum security prison because she was in love with at least one of them. If only she had lived in Canada, she could have joined a dating site that would have scratched her 25-to-life itch. And yes, she could have met the murderer of her dreams -- someone like Luka Magnotta:




Warning to anyone who dates this guy: if you're in a hurry, it's best not to say "chop chop." 

Having gotten that out of the way, let's check out his profile on Canadian Inmates Connect, a site for convicts looking for companionship from people outside those cold, gray walls:


Just the photos and the first line of his bio is enough to put him in front of the line. But before you ladies go out and buy a new outfit, you should know that Luka is gay. (But I know I can change him! I hear you cry. I wouldn't try it. He appears to be pretty settled in the way he is.)

As for Luka himself: judging by his demands, he's got a few problems. Speaking strictly from an apparel point of view, that upturned-collar look went out with A Flock of Seagulls. Too, the little crucifix around his neck is a general turn-off to anyone who isn't a practicing Christian like him. By the way, Luka should expect plenty of angry texts from the P.C. police who will see his demand for someone "white and in shape" as racist and sizeist.

However, I don't blame him for wanting somebody "emotionally stable," since it's good when couples balance things out. However, right now Luka's already in a "long term committed relationship" -- like, with the Canadian government for the next 50 or so years. (His "expected release date" of 2037 must refer to the last movie he made before his arrest.)

"My home is spacious, with a well-maintained lawn."
Luka's little lean-to, Archambault Penitentiary, hasn't the storied history of, say, Alcatraz or Sing Sing, having been built only in 1969. But that shouldn't bother potential suitors, since it's still worthy of a mention on a web page with the compelling title, "Archambault Prison's Bloody, Brutal History."  Fun fact: More guards have been killed there than at any other Canadian prison!

It was the philosopher Drew Barrymore who was quoted by the cerebral journal Us magazine as saying, "I think it's nice when people find love, because I feel like everyone deserves it."  Luka Magnotta would deeply and truly agree with you, Drew. Maybe you've got friends in Hollywood who would like to meet someone who's also looking for love. Having starred in porno movies, Luka's also in the "business," so there'd be plenty of shop talk to share. 

Yes, Drew, I'm sure Luka shares your philosophy. No doubt Luka thought his late Chinese boyfriend "deserved it" as well.

                                                 ****************************

Monday, June 29, 2015

CLANKING DOWN THE AISLE

Read enough stories emanating from Japan, and you can get lockjaw from saying, "Now I've heard everything." First, it was girls going ga-ga for a gorilla (click here for details). But if you think gay marriage is a big deal, then you haven't heard what went down in Tokyo over the weekend:





This is what they call a Japanese kiss.
You've got to hand it to the Japanese. They have no problem with love in any of its guises. And it didn't even take a Supreme Court decision for the happy couple to tie the knot -- or is it "flick the switch"?

But as you can see from the photos, this wasn't just an ordinary robot wedding. Either this is the electronic version of an inter-species marriage, or the groom is much older than his almost realistically-blushing bride. Because while Yukirin is going for the human look, Frios is something you'd see in a Three Stooges short at the end of their movie career. I mean, he looks like, well, a robot. 

Larry Flynt is offering a million dollars
for the wedding night video.
Yukirin's parents must be appalled by their daughter's choice in men. "We wired you to pass for human, and this is what you marry -- some guy with antennae for ears who wears gasoline cans for shoes?" And take a look at Frios' lower extremities, then ponder what the honeymoon is going to be like for the poor bride. But doesn't the idea of having robots for children seem worth the pain even for human mothers? It sure does for the fathers, I can tell you that.

The Bobby Jindals and Mike Huckabees of Japan are probably committing hari-kiri even as we speak, while the Barack Obamas and Hillary Clintons (who were against robot weddings before it became politically expedient) are now ready to officiate at future nuptials. Do you, Eiichi, take Riko to be your lawfully wedded cyborg, for shinier and rustier, in breakdowns and ruthlessly destroying mankind, for as long as you both shall be programmed?

Save the rice -- just throw sensors.

                                                ****************************

Saturday, June 27, 2015

WALKING THE CAGE OVER YOU

Shabani ponders who the next lucky
girl will be to peel his banana.
New York women are forever saying, "All the good men are taken." They think it's bad here, they should jet over to Japan. It appears that women are down to ogling an entirely different species:



In this P.C. world we live in, I know it's difficult for you to say out loud what you're thinking. So let the senior zookeeper, Allan Schmidt, say it for you: "The Japanese are crazy." Thank you, zookeeper Schmidt, thank you. It would help if you had a Japanese name, but you work over there, so that works 50% in your favor.

In Japan, this is considered
a love story.
I thought it was bad when I once met a woman who said her ideal man was "a combination of Michael Jackson and Superman." At least those two could be loosely considered men. Shabani, on the other hand, spent his childhood swinging in trees and throwing feces at his competition -- which now includes Japanese males. When Japanese mothers plead with their daughters to settle down with a nice boy, they're not kidding.

Japan is known for many wacky things -- the Ramen Noodle Museum, horse meat-flavored ice cream, leg pillows for lonely men -- but amour gorille takes the rice cake. Now instead of talking about the birds and the bees, parents are going to have uncomfortable conversations with their kids about the simians and the homo sapiens.


Shabani knows that women always go for the bad boy.
It's bad enough when I see Upper East Side women walking their chihuahuas in baby carriages. They might be idiots, but they're likely not delusional. Women who flirt with gorillas, though, are in a whole different category. Like a category entitled, "People Who Need to be Locked Up (But Not in a Zoo)." 

There are no winners here. As far as the women are concerned, their menfolk can't possibly meet the standards set by Shabani. As for the men, well, these dames are in love with a gorilla. Even Allan Schmidt himself admits, "I would say most people would consider him fairly dashing." I expect sales of those leg pillows for lonely men to increase dramatically.

                                                       *********************

Thursday, June 25, 2015

MOVIE OF THE DAY: "THE DEFECTOR" (1966)

Unlike other spy movies of the '60s, The Defector takes a serious look at the quiet drudgery and danger of international espionage. Physicist John Bower is blackmailed by the CIA to enter East Germany in order to pick up microfilm from a disgruntled Russian scientist. Peter Heinzmann, a physicist working for the Stasi, is assigned to tail Bower -- a man whose work he respects -- in order to get the microfilm first. When the Russian scientist is murdered -- and the microfilm proves worthless -- Heinzamann is ordered to get Bower to defect to East Germany. With the help of a young woman named Frieda, Bower manages to escape to the West -- but the Stasi has one more trick up its sleeve.

The Defector -- a French production shot in Germany -- lingers in the mind, but for mainly the wrong reasons. It's an interesting but slow picture, picking up steam only in the final 30 minutes or so, when Bower tries escaping enemy hands. The story is certainly interesting -- I have a feeling it's a more accurate snapshot of the spy game than the James Bond movies -- but that's not what gives The Defector its cachet.

How do you say "Yikes!" in German?
No, that would be Montgomery Clift's final performance as Bower. Looking less like Tom Cruise as he did in I Confess, the 45 year-old Clift now resembles the drunken, decimated Buster Keaton in the latter's final M-G-M talkies. You can't help but gasp at his first close-up. Once the handsomest actor in movies, he now appears more haunted than the house in The Amityville Horror, the victim of a near-fatal car crash a decade earlier, followed by a constant intake of booze and pills. Food? What's food?

Yet, as if capitalizing on his physical downward spiral, Clift is an ideal choice as the accidental spy. This is no Sean Connery, but an isolated, sickly man who takes the job only to keep his government research grants coming. At no time do you ever think he could fight his way out of a situation. In fact, having him shot at point-blank range would seem a blessing.

Hardy Kruger is caught between a cop
and a hard place.
As Heinzamann, Hardy Kruger gives the Stasi operative a humanity missing from other spy movies of the day. Like Bower, Heinzamann is blackmailed by his handler to complete the job. They're two of a kind, even if the German is in better physical condition. He actually likes Bower and would rather see him return safely home than to get stuck on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall -- even if they could make beautiful research together in East Germany.

Oddly, he looks better on acid.

Judging by the one-sheet atop this page, The Defector's American release downplayed Clift's involvement (it was his first movie in four years), while trying to sell it as something similar to the trippy Roger Corman movies coming into vogue, thanks to one scene where Bower is slipped some acid. As if the drug was necessary; from the moment Bower arrives in Leipzig, his paranoia increases under the constant state-run surveillance, where even a visit to a doctor might mean life or death for all involved.

The Defector is dated in many ways -- the microfilm is said to determine if the USSR will get to the moon before the USA, a problem charmingly naive compared to today's international crises -- but is refreshing for its almost utter lack of "excitement". Today's spy movies replace genuine drama with CGI, impossibly handsome undercover agents, and allegedly-clever one-liners. The Defector's biggest action sequence is a power boat blowing up in the last reel. 

This is an action star?
Yet Bower's climactic escape -- by bike, foot, and boat -- makes for more genuine excitement than any Mission Impossible movie, because you wonder just how the hell Montgomery Clift survived any physical exertion outside of breathing. Disguised as farmer, Clift looks more like a concentration camp survivor.

No, I don't think so.
Perhaps that's why a love scene depicted in one of The Defector's lobby cards is nowhere to be seen in the final cut. The idea of a naked Clift in bed with a cute 26 year-old woman is just too much to take.

Clift's death (from "occlusive coronary artery disease") four months before The Defector's American release probably doomed what little success it might have achieved. The actor's sickly aura hangs over the movie like a human car wreck, keeping your attention even when the pace slackens and you wonder just where the story's going. Like his fellow method actor Marlon Brando in the twilight of his career, Clift just had to show up to make a project interesting.

                                                          ********************
To read about two other Montgomery Clift movies, I Confess and Freud, click here and here.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

OOH! OOH! I'M JIGGY!

It's nice to feel justified, even when it takes years. And this past week, it happened to me twice.

The first event involves an obscure cable network called MeTV. This isn't for narcissists; the call letters stand for Memorable Entertainment Television. Its entire schedule is made up of TV shows from the '50s to the early '80s. I never heard of it until quite recently.

Other than the uniforms, this is what
Bronx cops still look like.
Now, say "classic old shows" to some people, and the first thing they think of is M*A*S*H, All in the Family, or Mary Tyler Moore. Feh. To me, "great TV" was mostly in black & white, and rarely seen in syndication after 1969, if at all.

So I was thrilled that MeTV recently began running Car 54, Where are You?, the short-lived sitcom about Gunther Toody and Francis Muldoon, two idiot cops working in a forgotten Bronx precinct. 

Having grown up in Rhode Island, I never realized how authentic Car 54's atmosphere was. Location shots are real, while the interiors were shot at Biograph Studios, built on East 175th Street in 1913. The characters -- Italians, Irish Catholics, Jews -- reflect the neighborhood.

My daughter has always been open to old entertainment, and, true to form, became a fan of Car 54 after only one episode. She has no idea that its stars, Fred Gwynne and Joe E. Ross, came from Broadway and burlesque respectively. All she knows is that they (and the rest of the cast) don't look like anybody on TV today -- and that she can't get enough of Ross' desperate "Ooh! Ooh!"  

What impressed me about Car 54 in 1962 still impresses today: not only does it have black characters, they're accepted as equals. The last episode I caught had six black actors -- three men and three women, probably more than any prime time series today. 

And you know what else? The damn show is still funny. You can keep Mary Tyler Moore.

Justification comes in other ways as well. Like most kids, my daughter used to think I was a complete numbskull. So you can imagine her surprise that, even now, her female friends think I'm funny and cool. Even better, her male friends in high school used to find me intimidating. If you told any of this to the kids I went to school with, they'd think you were out of your mind.

But what puts the coolest icing on the cake for her is that young black men compliment me on my retro headgear. "Nice hat, man" -- I get it all the time, or at least some of the time. 

And I'm da bomb.
I was wearing my Panama chapeau on Father's Day when my wife took a photo of us. My daughter posted it to her Instagram account. A moment later, she reported that her friend's brother ("He's black, you know") wrote, "Ya Pops is JIGGY!"

"What did I tell you?" I responded self-righteously. "I'm jiggy! I've been saying it for years!" -- even before the word was invented. Or I knew what the hell it meant.

Comedy authority. Cool to girls. Intimidating to boys. A fashion plate to urban youth. It took decades, but I've become a recognized figure in all these fields. By the time I'm dead, I should be a Pulitzer Prize winner.

                                                **********************

Friday, June 19, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: CHARLESTON EDITION 6/19/15

President Barack Obama and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner held a joint press conference following the mass shooting at a church in Charleston, South Carolina that left nine African-American parishioners dead at the hands of a white separatist with mental issues.

"As you know," President Obama said, "I've had to speak in the wake of over a dozen similar tragedies since I took office. And you know why? Because it's a lot easier than actually doing something about keeping guns out of the hands of crazy people. That would mean convincing Democrats and Republicans alike to to stop bending over and getting penetrated with money from the NRA and paranoid yahoos who can't sleep at night unless they have 25 assault rifles scattered around their house. 

"And you know how I always say that having discussions about race is difficult?" President Obama asked. "Bullshit! We all do it every time something like this happens. Me, Morning Joe, Bill O'Reilly, Rachel Maddow, every senator, mayor and dog catcher -- we love having these discussions because it's easier than actually doing anything about the state of race relations. Better to write 'Charleston Strong' on Twitter instead."

"I have to agree with my good friend Barack Obama," Rep. Boehner interjected. "I work with many representatives from the South, and the only race discussion they want to have is about who can get home first at the end of the workday. And as for guns -- there's as much chance of Congress passing meaningful legislation as there is putting the Confederate flag on the South Carolina capitol grounds at half-mast after this mass murder. I mean, save your breath, people. The news is on 24/7, and before you know it, you'll get distracted by the next shiny toy. Let's just do the usual 'Our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of blah blah blah.' It sounds like we're saying something meaningful."

"My good friend John Boehner put it well," said President Obama. "So, in conclusion, let me say that our thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Charleston. And by 'thoughts,' I mean thinking about how long we can keep passing the buck."

"And by 'prayers,' Rep. Boehner added, "I mean praying we stay strong enough to continue ignoring the obvious, and keeping the money flowing in."

                                                             **************************

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

WEIGHT A WHILE

For decades, maybe centuries, women have had a leg up on men when it came to good health. But with the release of the latest CDC report, that might change:



It's a fat world, after all...
Well, OK, women are technically 55 years behind the times, because the same report tells us that the average American male weighs 195.5 pounds today. C'mon, ladies, you gotta get in line at the Golden Corral buffet!

If you've spent any time at the tourist attractions in Orlando, Florida, this report won't surprise you at all. In fact, 166.2 pounds sounds a little low. A lot low. During our last family vacation at Disney World eight or nine years ago, there was enough elephantine human flesh on display to feed every stranded soccer team in the world about six million times over. If you ever want to see people having oral sex with a giant smoked turkey leg, Disney's the place to be.

Remember how Michelle Obama took a lot of heat for saying that her husband's election was the first time she felt proud of America? I can tell you exactly when I was first embarrassed for it. I was talking to a French businessman who was getting transferred back to Paris after living in New York for several years. I asked him what he thought of America. He said he liked it very much, "but there are so many overweight people!" He knew from experience, since the same CDC report says the average American is 33 pounds heavier than the average Frenchman. Scare bleu cheese!

Cheer up, lady, at least you got a hit single
out of  your misery.
The terminally-sensitive Millenials would probably refer to the CDC report as "fat-shaming." This might not be such a bad thing, when you consider that the report also tells us only 12.2 Americans could fit in a room vs 20 from Bangladesh.

Yet the only shame any group of Americans would feel are runway models. And that shame would be for those Bangladeshis, whom they would advise to go on the salt-and-toothpick diet if they wanted any chance at getting hired for Fashion Week.

If you didn't know how important it is for some people to gorge themselves, this headline from the April 8, 2015 edition of the Las Vegas Review-Journal should help: 

Suicide at M Resort blamed on loss of free  buffet for life


Click on the headline to see a picture of the victim, then do a Google Image search. You won't be shocked to discover that there are people more deserving to win free meals for life. Like maybe one of those 20 Bangladeshis who are probably still starving in a room somewhere.

                                            *****************************



Monday, June 15, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 6/15/15




Campaign spokesman Brad Lanes said that the location was chosen "because President Roosevelt's policies strike a cord with Hillary, especially those concerning screwing around behind his wife's back while in office."




Locals initially thought Kim Kardashain was doing a print campaign for Swatch.






"After all," Scholten pointed out, "Hitler was a far better speaker."




Cheerleader captain Carmelita Lindsay defended her team, telling reporters, "We were just paying tribute to the German police force."
  


Mitchell had initially agreed to the plan because she didn't want to commit adultery.





An amendment included in the 2016 Defense spending bill prohibits civilian workers and military personnel from using government credit cards for expenses related to “entertainment that includes topless or nude entertainers or participants.”

Government spokesman Barry Shubunka added, "If they want to spend money on whores, there's plenty of presidential candidates around."


CNN anchor Fredricka Whitfield drew criticism for referring to the man who shot up a Dallas police station as "very courageous and brave" before admitting the following day that she "misspoke." 

"What I meant to say," she added, "was that he had cojones the size of casaba melons."


Presumptive Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker has proposed that anyone receiving government assistance should undergo drug-testing first.

"This does not include big banks," Walker added. "Otherwise, the entire financial system would collapse."





Despite NAACP chapter president Rachel Dolezal being outed as white, MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry believes that she could still be black.

In related news, despite Melissa Harris-Perry being outed as a nincompoop, MSNBC president Phil Griffin believes that she could still be taken seriously.

                                                     ************************


Thursday, June 11, 2015

ADVISE AND DEPART

The company I used to work for often hired advisors to look things over. Their advice was always, "Get rid of some more employees."

Wouldn't you love to send
these advisors to Iraq?
Yesterday, President Obama announced that he was sending 450 advisors to Iraq. Unlike their civilian counterparts, these advisors sport military uniforms, military haircuts, and military weaponry. Where I come from, those guys are called "soldiers."

I just looked online for the definitions of "advisor." The first is "one who gives advice." Another is "a fortuneteller." The latter, I think, is more appropriate for the military. If you've ever gone to a fortuneteller, you know that they're just as accurate as our military advisors were in Korea, Vietnam, and, oh yes, Iraq.

We could save a lot of lives and money if they just sent me to advise the Iraqi military. In fact, while I'm over there, I'll give advice -- free of charge! -- to the Arab countries as well.

Advice to Iraqi military: The command is "forward march," not "cut and run." 

Advice to all the Arab countries: 1) Buy a new calendar. This is not 1250 anymore. Try getting all those sects together and smoking a joint while chilling out to Dark Side of the Moon. You'll be shocked to see how much you have in common.

2) When it comes to defeating ISIS, well, those billions of dollars' worth of killing machines we've been selling you for decades aren't just for military parades, you know.

3) The USA is now the world's largest producer of energy, so learn how to drink all that oil you want to sell us.

I would then give the US government the same advice my former employer received: Get rid of people. Like, all our "advisors" and troops from Iraq.

I'm ready to do my duty, Mr. President. Just load me up with water, an iPad with unlimited data usage, and sunblock with the highest SUV you can find. And if you could smuggle in a case of Brooklyn Summer Ale for me, I'd be much obliged.

                                                      *********************

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

ADDYI-OOP!

Other than Mike Huckabee, no man can object to the recent FDA approval of Addyi, otherwise known as "Viagra for women." Mariel Hemingway, on the other hand, told the Huffington Post that female sex enhancers are "so wrong," because how else is she going to get any press these days?

My only problem with Addyi is that it will inevitably lead to  soft-focus, middle-aged fairytale commercials like those for Cialis. Women might think twice about popping Addyi if the commercials were a little more realistic.

FADE IN: A middle-aged suburban Wife arrives home from work.

NARRATOR: Even after all these years, you still enjoy the little things he does.

ANGLE ON: Unshaven middle-aged husband on the couch, drinking beer while laughing hysterically at the Three Stooges on TV.  

ANGLE ON: Wife tilting her head and smiling.

ANGLE ON: Husband noticing Wife. He waves, then offers her a beer from a cooler next to the couch. The Wife nods and walks over.

NARRATOR: And when those unexpected moments arrive, Addyi helps you be ready.

Wife opens the beer, which explodes in her face, making the Husband laugh even more.

CUT TO: Wife tending to her backyard garden.

NARRATOR: Addyi can help you feel more confident in your ability to enjoy those special times.

Wife looks over her shoulder to see Husband asleep on the hammock, drool streaming out of his mouth.

CUT TO: Same couple in a rowboat. Wife is rowing while Husband scrolls through his iPhone.

NARRATOR: Tell your doctor about all your medications you're currently taking, and ask your psychiatrist if you think 30 seconds of unsatisfying intimacy is really worth it. 

CUT TO: Husband and Wife outdoors in a tent. Husband makes crude moves in order to get her in the mood.

NARRATOR: Unlike other sexual enhancement medications, you'll find that Addyi works best with alcohol. Possible side effects include contempt, regret, memories of old boyfriends, and lack of self-respect. 

CUT TO: Husband and Wife strolling arm in arm along a suburban street, while he gets distracted by a Younger Woman in a tight top and short skirt.

NARRATOR: If you experience allergic reactions including a drop in vision or hearing, consider yourself lucky. It can only help Addyi's function. 

CUT TO: Bedroom, evening. Wife enters wearing sexy lingerie, only to find Husband looking though binoculars at the Younger Woman across the street.

NARRATOR: Addyi: For your pleasure, and that of your divorce lawyer.

                                                *************************

If you'd like to read the brilliantly scathing piece I wrote for Next Avenue about sex pill commercials, click here.

Monday, June 8, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 6/18/15

According to a recent poll, 50% of women are OK with thinking of somebody other than their husbands when having sex.  
When informed of that number, the other 50% said, "Now you tell me!"



Richard Matt and David Sweat escaped from Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora, New York, using power tools to break through the steel walls.

Teamsters Local 216 has filed a complaint with prison officials for unauthorized use of machinery.


Australia's Hillsong Church has cancelled the appearance of controversial U.S. pastor Mark Driscoll, who refers to women as "penis homes."

Driscoll is currently homeless. 


A shopper took a photo of what he believes is the face of Jesus on the door of the men's room at the IKEA store in Glasgow, Scotland.

Controversy erupted, however, when other shoppers described it as either an abscessed tooth, a "before" picture of a patient undergoing craniofacial surgery, the rear end of elephant after sitting on a pair of S'mores, or one of the Republican candidates for president. 






"And if that isn't possible," they added, "can your stepdaughters enter our ox pulling competition?"



It will then specialize in selling wrapping paper.

 


"But this time," she says, "I'll bring condoms."





Hicham Chiab, ISIS' police chief in Raqqa, is now considered to be the person behind the city's growing number of beheadings, crucifixions and amputations for infractions including shopkeepers making too much profit.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio stated, "It's good to see a progressive in a position of power for a change."



                                               

                                          *****************************

Thursday, June 4, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 6/4/15




Those extraneous matters include home video of Hernandez returning home after the murder with the gun used in the killing.



Chaffee's other proposals include bringing back 8-track tapes, Earth Shoes, and Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Shampoo.
 
Tom Cruise's son Connor tweeted a rant against Caitlyn Jenner receiving the 2015 Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

Connor wrote, "Now, my dad pretending he likes women, that's courage!" 





Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz has apologized for making a joke about Joe Biden days after the death of Biden's son Beau from brain cancer.                                              
 In his apology, Cruz added, "I should have told the one about the Chinese cruise ship sinking."



"The biggest mistake," Kasowski said, "was forgetting the mayo. Trust me, it's pretty painful otherwise."

                                                             *************************

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

THE QUANTUM SOLUTION

When you absorb as much news as I do, you start to believe that the world is fast coming to an end. Then there are others who refuse to give in to this kind of thinking. My wife, God bless her, believes we're just more aware of what's going on; that if you pull away, you'll have a different point of view. My response has always been a confident "Hah!"

It turns out, however, that she may be on to something. Scientists in Australia claim to have proven the theory behind quantum physics. Or as the headline in the Daily Mail states:
                                Your Entire Life Is An ILLUSION

And they don't mean illusion like somebody from the New York Times is going hire me to write a weekly column on the basis of this blog. I'm talking ILLUSION. As the sub-headline says, New Test Backs Up the Theory that the World Doesn't Exist Until We Look at It.

As my aforementioned wife would say, wait a minute, let's think about this. Everyone says we need to walk through life with eyes open. But if the scientists are right -- and when have they ever been wrong? -- that's the worst thing you can do. That's what's gotten us into the mess we find ourselves in today. 

Yes, Rick, especially you.
Consider: the people who say that America created ISIS are correct. Same thing with violent cops, Time-Warner Cable, telemarketers, Walmart, Rick Santorum -- every despicable thing, we are responsible for. Kind of makes you feel guilty for just being alive, doesn't it? 

Possesses a bitterness, leading to a lingering, bad finish.
But before the rest of the world starts feeling all smug, sipping their lattes or munching on their tiramisu and spaetzle, they should remember that they, too, are keeping this international mess up and running just by watching it -- not to mention making a shambles of things themselves. Escargot? Je bien peur que non, monsieur. Pay toilets along the Autobahn? Raus hier. Bars in Northern Italy selling "Hitler Wine"?  Vai a farti fottere, stronzo. 

Yup, this whole damned world has a lot to answer for. Yet we have a simple solution at our fingertips. One that entered public consciousness almost a half-century ago at 45 RPM. Six simple words that offer a final chance at redemption. 

"You're welcome, world."
I didn't quite understand what they meant at the time. Now it's so simple, I slap my forehead in self-contempt. And who else but the Beatles, the Einsteins of pop music, could be responsible?

Living is easy with eyes closed.

Has there ever been a more straightforward solution to what we're living through today? The minute we close our eyes and keep 'em closed, the world as we know it will disappear forever. 

Sure, we're going to have to start breeding seeing-eye dogs like rabbits. And maybe it'll take a few generations 'til we stop bumping into the furniture or falling into open manholes. Nobody ever made a marinara sauce without crushing a few tomatoes. 

But guess what: no more Kardashians. Starting to sound pretty good, right?

And if there is a need for one person to literally keep an eye on things, I humbly volunteer for the job. All the so-called smart guys have turned our globe into the ticking time bomb it's become. Maybe it's time for someone with common sense and compassion for his fellow man.

Trust me. I'll keep the trains running on time. And those re-education camps filled.

                            ****************************