Wednesday, May 27, 2015

TOOLS PROVIDED

The world is awash in jobs. I know this because every time I fill out an online application, my spam filter is inundated with international offers from people with names out of a '40s PRC movie, like Velma Bond, Malik Ford, and Kasimir Schultz. Their pitches are often word-for-word identical:
Yeah -- straight to Sing-Sing.
Hi! The mail forwarding company is seeking shipping/receiving Manager.
No enrollment fee. The average monthly salary is $1500.
Job Duties and responsibilities:
- Must be able to work on flexible schedules - the position is home-based
- Receive and mail incoming parcels. Auditing incoming packages for damages.
- Complete all paperwork in a timely and accurate manner.


All that's required is to receive packages, then send the contents to their final destinations. An idiot could do it. Or rather, only an idiot, because this scam has something to do with stolen credit cards. (You can read a brief summary here.) 

Now, if you want a real job, Saudi Arabia is the place to go. The London Telegraph reports:

Definitely not their brand of choice.
No prior experience required and a chance to do side jobs just to shake things up a bit. Cool. 

Our Saudi friends have executed 85 people so far this year, so this is definitely a growth industry. If they keep it up, at this rate there should be 117 more unlucky folks at the wrong end of a Wilkinson's blade by New Year's Eve. (At least they won't have to watch Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin ring in 2016.)

An entry-level position, however, has its drawbacks:

In case you were worried.

I figured a country where the idea of "separation of church and state" gets a Hunh? from your average citizen would place religious functionaries on a higher pay scale. But when a job requires you to show up to the office only four times a week, I suppose it makes sense. 

The Saudis' law-and-order mindset would probably go over well in certain areas of the U.S. In the last decade, Texas, for instance, has executed 521 people, many of whom were actually guilty of the crimes they were convicted of. 

On average, that's still less than Saudi Arabia's output, which spiked dramatically this year due to the hiring of new judges to speed up the executions. This is probably one time that the Lone Star state would go along with judicial overreach. The Supreme Court under President Rick Perry would look mighty interesting.

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Friday, May 22, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 5/22/15

Syracuse.com reports that nine brains inexplicably appeared earlier this week along a street in New York state's St. Lawrence County village. How the brains got there and where they came from remains a mystery. 

Local police, however, said they appeared shortly after the current group of Republicans announced they were running for president.


CNN is reporting that a growing number of rappers are have announced their support for Hillary Clinton for president.

The rappers include DJ Whytewater, E-Raced Serva, Con Troll Freek, and No Mo' Qwestions.



The next casting director told her she was too old to play the girlfriend of a 37 year-old man. 




"Also," he said, "it'll be interesting to experience the same effect our music has on most people."




One viewer in Alabama described himself as "disgusted," adding, "What was wrong with his sister?"


Psychological studies in the UK and US have found that meditation can trigger mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis.

Researchers said this explains Gwyneth Paltrow. 


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Thursday, May 21, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 5/21/15

Among other documents found in Osama bin-Laden's hiding place in Pakistan was an application form for joining al-Qaeda. One of the document's questions for the applicant was who to notify in case of suicide on the job.

Bin-Laden admitted that he got the idea from Walmart's job application.



Germany's Interior Ministry says it has appointed two Jews to a new commission on anti-Semitism in response to criticism that there was none among the original eight experts chosen.

A spokesman for the Ministry said that Jews were initially omitted from the commission because "they're greedy, evil, Christ-killers."




Many people are reporting that wi-fi is creating adverse health effects on them, including heart palpitations, perspiration and "brain fog."

They add that these conditions come about when viewing internet porn. 





New York’s Police Commissioner Bill Bratton said Wednesday that cellphone-sporting citizen journalists capturing heated interactions between the police and the community and posting them online are actually “agitating the situations."

Bratton added, "For instance, recent protests in New York never would have happened if someone hadn't recorded cops choking Eric Garner to death for selling loose cigarettes."


Two months after questions about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s whereabouts fueled rumors of a love child with girlfriend Alina Kabaeva, the noticeably heavier 32-year-old beauty has renewed speculation.

Kremlin-watchers admitted it wouldn't be the first time Putin invaded foreign soil.


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Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/article21552666.html#stor

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

A CORRECTION

You might find it hard to believe, but I've fallen victim to cynicism on occasion. I'm thinking of one particular piece I wrote a couple of months ago -- "A Paid Political Announcement" -- which tried to put across the idea that Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush were pretty much the same person. If you like, you can refresh your memory by reading it here.

Well, I've thought long and hard about the two candidates since then, and now realize how terribly wrong I was. So, as a public service, I've detailed their differences in hope that it helps you on Election Day, 2016.

                        JEB                                                HILLARY

Got to where he is via father's name.        Got to where she is via husband's name.

Oil insider.                                             Wall Street insider.

Haunted by his brother's mistakes.            Haunted by her brother's greed.

Brother invaded too many countries.         Husband invaded too many women.

Friend of Fox News.                                Friend of ABC News.

The "smart one" of the family.                 The "scary one" of the family.

Will spew any bullshit for votes.                Will spew any horseshit for votes.

Alleged RHINO.                                       Alleged DINO.

Trolls the right for ungodly amounts          Trolls the left for ungodly amounts
 of money.                                             of money.

Can't answer a simple question.                 Won't answer a simple question.

Unofficial primary slogan: "You                  Unofficial primary slogan: "You
gonna vote for one of those guys?"             gonna vote for who else?"

Mistrusted by the right, but will get           Mistrusted by the left, but will get
their reluctant votes in the end.                their reluctant votes in the end.

                              Democracy -- it's a beautiful thing.

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Monday, May 18, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 5/18/15

Two people were killed while attempting a wingsuit flight in Yosemite National Park, a park spokesman said Sunday.

Investigators are trying to figure out how anyone could die after jumping off a 7,500-foot high cliff.




Chris Roberts, a Colorado computer hacker, told the FBI that he briefly made an airliner fly sideways by hacking its computer system. Roberts claimed he pulled off the stunt by wiring a laptop computer into a jetliner’s entertainment system during a flight.

Asked by federal agents why he did it, Roberts replied, "It was easier than helping my wife parallel park."



The health department immediately dropped the restaurant's rating from A to B for improperly storing the heads without cleaning them first.




Military analysts believe that one upside is that the Italian military will no longer be the go-to punchline for war jokes.



Stephanopoulos defended himself by telling reporters, "Who the fuck ever thought Good Morning America was a real news show?"

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Friday, May 15, 2015

PLEDGE: NOW WITH NEW ACTIVE INGREDIENTS!

Certain things were drummed into my head in public school. There were 5,280 feet in a mile; the Civil War was fought over slavery; a possessive apostrophe went at the end of words ending with "s"; and the Pledge of Allegiance was to be recited every morning from kindergarten through high school.

Today, only the length of a mile is still set in stone. Revisionists now claim the Civil War was really all about taxes and states rights; journalists add an extra "s" following the apostrophe; and, if my daughter is any example, the Pledge of Allegiance ends at fourth grade.

Oddly, this fell out of favor when we went to war
with Germany.
The Pledge started to fall from favor in the last couple of decades, considered by many progressives to be a quasi-fascist, mandatory fealty to a government rather than an idea. When you see old photos of kids reciting the Pledge with the original straight-arm salute, you kind of see where they're coming from. (Fun fact: Francis Bellamy, the author of the Pledge, was a Christian socialist, thus being one of the few people both the left and the right can find disdainful.)

I hadn't though much about the Pledge since graduating from public school. But lately, it seems to be in every other headline I read these days:

Texas Man Arrested for Alleged Pledge of Allegiance to ISIS

Boko Haram purportedly pledges allegiance to ISIS

Sahara extremists pledge allegiance to ISIS

Spiritual Leader of Libya's Biggest Jihadi Group Pledges Allegiance to ISIS

Gaza Salafists pledge allegiance to ISIS

 
Sheesh! Is there anyone not pledging allegiance to ISIS? If this keeps up, even the phrase "Pledge of Allegiance" is going to go the way of "retarded," "mongoloid" and "thug" in polite conversation. 

"It was old, anyway."
As with all fraternities, ISIS welcomes new members only if they can pass its rigorous demands -- in this case, murdering and raping everyone who crosses their path, along with destroying priceless artifacts and, if they have time, entire cities, too. Where they differ is that college frats often wind up killing their own wannabe-members via alcohol poisoning. No threat of that happening with ISIS!

But I still keep wondering about this new Pledge of Allegiance. Do terrorists get up from their desks every morning, as we did, and place their hands over their hearts? If so, I imagine their sacred covenant goes something like this:

I pledge allegiance to the scary black flag
Of the united maniacs of ISIS
And to the psychosis for which it stands,
One caliphate, under Allah, impenitent,
With annihilation and chaos
For everybody else.

 

Alright, boys. Now how many corpses of infidels go into a mile?

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Thursday, May 14, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: AMTRAK EDITION

A House panel approved a measure Wednesday that cuts funding for Amtrak, less than a day after a train derailment left at least seven people dead and many more injured. 

While Democrats condemned the move as ill-timed at best, Republicans fought back. An unnamed source told The Ol' Fish-Eye, "Look, when was the last time something like this happened on that section of track? Nineteen forty-three! And 79 people were killed then, as opposed to, what, seven now? And even if it goes up, it's not getting anywhere near that, probably. So let's all take a deep breath before we jump to conclusions, OK?"

The source continued, "What people don't take into consideration, either, is that these things happen in roughly 75-year cycles. The Hurricane of '38, then Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Plane crashes into the Empire State Building in 1945, then 9/11 at the World Trade Center. A train crashes in the same area in '43, then 2015. You can't just throw money at fate, y'know?"

When asked if his point of view was rather cold, the source shook his head. "I'm sick of that rap we Republicans get, that we care only about old rich white guys. Look at who was killed in the Amtrak crash -- men and women of all colors and backgrounds. This was  truly an equal opportunity event. That's what America's all about." 

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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 5/13/15

When asked what he thought about Ms. O'Neill's comments, White House spokesman Josh Earnest replied, "Bitch must be having her period or something." 

Air Canada immediately charged Ms. Guan a $50 extra carry-on fee.


As part of her community service at the school, Ms. Lohan will learn the alphabet.
 





"To make sure this doesn't happen again," a KFC spokesman said, "we're dismantling all our video cameras."



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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

MOVIE OF THE DAY: "ARE WE CIVILIZED?" (1934)

The 69-minute long Are We Civilized? opens with all the hallmarks of a '30s independent production with big ideas and little money. A cast credit promising an epic (starring "Many thousands of soldiers, sailors and peasants"); a narcissist for a director whose signature that takes up half the screen ("Personally Directed by Edmund Carewe" -- thanks for showing up on the set, Ed!); and a "special score" performed by The Manhattan Symphony Orchestra of New York (not to be confused with Manhattan, Kansas). 


"Say, I remember you before you were a
fascist pig!"
In an unnamed European country, newspaper publisher Paul Franklin, Jr. is visited by his father, who, since World War I, has led a successful life in the USA. Under the direction of Gen. Bockner, the head of the Censorship Bureau, Junior's home is soon ransacked both for his newspaper's insistence on publishing the truth, and Senior's incendiary radio broadcast condemning the fascist government. Senior attempts to mend Bockner's ways.


Older than the real thing.
And it's at this point Are We Civilized? starts to show its sorry budgetary restrictions. Paul Sr. gives Bockner and his stormtrooper buddies a half-hour lecture on world history, illustrated for us by old silent movie clips. (Over a decade later, this cost-cutting trick was used in The White Gorilla.) Accompanied by a score that sounds like a bad mix of "Rhapsody in Blue" and The Twilight Zone, we start with primordial ooze before claymation dinosaurs start battling it out. A caveman figuring out how to draw leads to a discussion of Moses, Buddha, Confucius, Julius Caesar, Jesus and Mohammed. (I don't know why ISIS is all in a tizzy about portraying ol' Mo, since he appears to be a good-looking rascal.) 

"Wait, don't go, I'm only up to 14th century!"
During this time, Paul Sr. is completely oblivious that his son is currently getting the shit beat out of him by an angry mob outside the front door. But no matter -- there's still Napoleon, the Civil War, steamboats and automobiles to talk about. And as for all that footage from silent movies and newsreels -- copyright, shmopyright! They've gotta do something to pad this thing out.



"Comment ai-je ici?"
For its weird detour into history -- lasting almost half its running time -- Are We Civilized? is also remarkably prescient of a second world war, while Paul Sr.'s description of the Depression rings true today: "Destitute, homeless, hopeless men, women and children, bewildered in their pitiful distress," thanks to society allowing Wall Street shenanigans to run unchecked. (Former silent leading man William Farnum bellows his occasionally-overwrought dialogue as you'd expect from an actor born in 1876.) 

William Farnum (right)
with screenwriter Harold
Sherman.
Director Edmund Carewe and writer Harold Sherman clearly had a lot on their little plate. But they are to be honored for calling out the Nazis at a time when Hitler's personal representatives in Los Angeles had the final say over studio scripts -- Germany being a major market for American movies. (It's a practice that continues, to a lesser extent, as Hollywood movies are routinely rewritten in order to make the Chinese government look good.) Yes, the country in Are We Civilized? is anonymous, but its locale is unmistakable. Only an indie production without any desire for a German release could get away with it.

Are We Civilized?'s dialogue ranges from "what the?" (Jr. speaking of Sr.: "He's often told friends that having the top of his skull blown off in the war was a blessing in disguise") to dryly amusing (Jr., engaged to the daughter of head of the Censorship Bureau, promises to "love, honor, and suppress"). When Bockner threatens to expel the Franklins to America (where Senior already lives), you have to wonder why they don't say, "No problem, get us on the first boat outta here!" 


Carewe and Sherman apparently thought Are We Civilized? would somehow change the ways of mankind. Four years earlier, Universal Pictures thought All Quiet on the Western Front would signal the end of war for all time. In 2005, Steven Spielberg promised Time magazine that Munich, his movie about the massacre of Israeli athletes at the '68 Olympics, would lead to peace in the Middle East. No wonder so many movie-makers are good at what they do -- they live in a fantasy world 24/7.

Yet one glance at today's newspaper proves that Paul Franklin Sr.'s prediction that mankind would be in peril if we kept up our disastrous ways was all too accurate. The answer to Are We Civilized? is hardly a positive one. 


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Friday, May 8, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 5/8/15

Only two Senate Republicans from the entire conference of 54 members have admitted they read the details of President Barack Obama’s secret Trans Pacific Partnership trade deal as of this time.

"To be fair to our fellow Republicans, however," said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), "we're the only ones who know how to read."

 

 

Pope Francis will send an army of globe-trotting priests — his “missionaries of mercy” — to absolve women who’ve had abortions, in the latest Vatican bid to catch up with modern times.

Speaking to a crowd in St. Peter's Square, the Pope added, "This makes up for that whole pedophile priest thing, OK, ladies? Now get off my fucking back."

 

 

Hillary Clinton makes the final stop on Friday on a California fundraising tour where one of her admirers tried comparing her to fellow former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

When asked for details, the donor replied, "Well, they both had husbands who cheated on them. That's good enough for me!"

                                                      

Yoko Ono has created a series of broken coffee cups which have been repaired with lacquer mixed with gold. Each has a message marking a tragic historical event.

The first tragic event commemorated will be the day she met John Lennon.

 

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Tuesday, May 5, 2015

BLIND, DEAF AND DUMB DATE

Victim: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. synonyms: sufferer, injured party, casualty

Chris Rock once said it was a father's job to keep his daughter off the stripper pole. I agree. It's also a father's job to encourage his daughter to use common sense, and not get herself into situations that will prove to be fodder for wisecracking bloggers.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, from the London Telegraph I offer Exhibit A:

A Frenchman masquerading as a 37-year old "male model" offering women 50 Shades of Grey-type sex dates in the dark is facing rape charges after they belatedly discovered he was a short, fat and balding 68-year old. 

I feel compelled here to say that rape isn't funny, never was, and never will be. Rapists are hideous people who should face the full force of the law. There is no excuse for rape. 

Having stated the obvious, let us continue with the story:
 
A man calling himself Anthony Laroche attracted much female interest on several dating websites after depicting himself as a young, mysterious prince charming with a photo highlighting his smouldering gaze, square jaw and designer stubble. 

Surely you must be asking yourself: Wouldn't these women have been able to tell the difference when he showed up on their first date? Not if they had walked into this situation with their eyes open:

Adding spice to the proceedings, "Anthony" proposed a "blind" date in which the two total strangers had sex in the dark on their first encounter at his flat in Nice, southern France. 

Ah. That explains it. Now it all makes sense.

One step away from an orgy.
This wasn't just a one-off thing. Going back to 2009, there were at least 200 women who willingly took part, ranging in age from 25 to 50, which certainly qualifies as "old enough to know better." Laroche is now being charged with "rape by surprise," which sounds like a Lenny Bruce routine about a '50s game show. 

Parents are quite rightly encouraged to raise their sons to respect women, and to refrain from abuse of all kinds. But I find it rather sad that I feel obliged to tell my 19 year-old daughter, For God's sakes, don't have blindfolded sex on your first date with a stranger you met online!
  
If you want to look at this crime another way, simply reverse the sexes: A 68 year-old woman convinces men over half her age to have blindfolded sex with her, since they think she's a 37 year-old stunner.

Suddenly, "rape by surprise" becomes Ha! Stupid men, they'll do anything for sex! Matt Lauer smirks his way through the story. Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel make jokes for their whoo-whooing audiences. Melissa McCarthy changes the senior citizen to a fat woman for her next movie. Hilarity ensues.


Society would consider the man a victim only in Google's second definition of the word: 

a person who is tricked or duped. "the victim of a hoax." Synonyms: loser, prey, stooge, dupe, sucker, quarry, fool, fall guy, chump

I propose a third definition: A person who needs to be saved from his or her own stupidity.

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Monday, May 4, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: FLOYD MAYWEATHER, JR. EDITION

Floyd Mayweather Jr. won a unanimous decision Saturday night over Manny Pacquiao in Las Vegas, remaining the welterweight champ, and earning $180-million in the process.

Talking to reporters after the match, Mayweather was unusually humble, paying tribute to those who helped him along the way. "First of all," he said, "I'd like to thank Melissa Brim, who I practiced a left to the jaw on more than once. And I did that in front of our daughter, so it was cool for her to get kind of a ringside seat. Then there was Karra Blackburn -- she got a wack punch to the head. And, oh yeah, Hernetha McGill -- another one who got in the jaw real good. And I can't forget another lady friend, C.J. Jackson. She got a goddamn concussion when I let her have it in the back of the skull, and kicked her when she was on the floor trying to protect herself. Damn, I threatened to kill the bitch!"

Reminded that he was sentenced a 90-day prison term for domestic assault in 2011, Mayweather told a reporter, "But you have to remember, I got out after two months for good behavior. So let that be a lesson to the kids watching me: behave yourselves! It pays in the end."

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Thursday, April 30, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: 4/30/15

The Baltimore Police Department said the results of its investigation into Freddie Gray's death will not be made public because "the integrity of that investigation has to be protected," said Police Captain Eric Kowalczyk.

Coincidentally, this is the first time the word "integrity" has been used in connection with the Baltimore Police Department.

 

A Gallop poll shortly afterwards put Zakariahas in first place in the Republican race for president.

Film critic Jeffrey Lyons claims that Joe DiMaggio once dated the world’s first famous transsexual, Christine Jorgensen. Appearing on the Joe Piscopo radio show, Lyons said, “My parents were friendly with [Jorgensen]. They fixed her up . . . got her a date with DiMaggio.”

Jorgensen, they said, was interested in getting to third base without any balls.



A charity affiliated with the Clinton Foundation failed to reveal the identities of its 1,100 donors, creating a broad exception to the foundation’s promise to disclose funding sources as part of an ethics agreement with the Obama administration.

Clinton spokesman David Brock told the Washington Post, "All this is nonsense. The Clintons never agreed to be ethical in the first place."




A lawsuit brought by 91-year-old Sumner Redstone's 44-year-old girlfriend Sydney Holland against former MTV star Heather Naylor was declared over in Los Angeles Superior Court. The dispute revolved around allegations that Naylor had conspired  to steal Holland's laptop computer containing "pri­vate and confidential" photos.

"The idea that these photos would become public," said Judge Thomas Townsend, "is repulsive, sickening and, frankly, makes me want to vomit. And the criminal conspiracy isn't that great, either."

A group of prominent religious leaders is warning that they will not obey the law if the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage for all states.

Rev. John Sivoney told reporters, "Sexual intimacy is only between men and women, and religious leaders and eight year-old boys."



                 
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