Wednesday, June 22, 2016


I wonder if she really appeared
on radio in that outfit.
Fans of old war movies will recognize the "Dragon Lady" character as a beautiful Asian woman who used her sexuality to trap white men into spilling the beans on whatever top secret they had in their heads. 

If real Asian actresses weren't handy, there were always plenty of white women in "yellowface." Or, in the case of Marion Sweet (right), co-star of the radio series Terry and the Pirates, yellow-voice. 

But at least one Latino is taking the "dragon lady" business to the next level. Allow me to introduce you to Eva Tiamat Baphomet Medusa, who is:

That last sentence is just begging for an obvious Hillary Clinton joke, but when have I ever been obvious? 

At least she won't need sunblock anymore.
Certainly not as much as Ms. Medusa (left), who, apparently unsatisfied with the self-destruction described above, also had horns implanted in her forehead, scars burned into her skin, and green ink tattooed into her eyes.

Frankly, I'm not impressed. Until Ms. Medusa grows large wings and learns to blow fire from her mouth, she's just another unidentified reptilian creature with a punk haircut and colorful passport photo to me.

But the best part is that Ms. Medusa feels the need to admit that she has "serious gender dysphoria." You've gone from man to woman to a creature that doesn't even exist -- I think we're hep that something is up with you.

This kind of extreme makeover isn't unique to Ms. Medusa. Ted Richardson of the UK underwent similar surgery in order to look like a parrot. He should definitely get a refund, however, since I
Polly wanna straitjacket?
would bet good money that no parrot exists who has a multi-colored goatee or spikes growing out of his head.

Not satisfied with going the pseudo-avian route, however, Ted also had a peace sign branded into his hand. (Nothing says "peace" more than a 1300-degree iron burning your skin). And for apparently no reason other than having nothing else to do one day, two magnets were implanted in his hands. Ted must be the only person in the world who sings "Stuck On You" to his refrigerator door. 

Some people would consider people like Eva and Ted "sad." You know what I think is sad? Both of them will probably have an easier time getting a job at Costco than I ever will. 


Tuesday, June 21, 2016


A Broadway musical based on the board game Monopoly is currently being prepared by Hasbro and the Araca Group, a theatrical production company.

As in the legendary game, Monopoly: The Musical will be boring as shit, lose money for most investors, and seem like it'll never end.

A Kenyan court upheld the use of anal examinations to determine a suspect's sexual orientation, dismissing the argument that the procedure was degrading. "I find no violation of human dignity, right to privacy and right to freedom of the petitioners," Mombasa High Court Judge Mathew Emukule said.

A Court insider said that Judge Emukule doesn't have to submit to the procedure because everybody knows what an asshole he is already.

According to  a new book by Bill Clinton’s ex-lover Dolly Kyle, Hillary Clinton was heard calling mentally challenged children “fucking ree-tards” and caught on record blurting out the terms “stupid kike” and "fucking Jew bastard."

When asked about the book, Ms. Clinton laughed it off, saying it was the work of a "fucking sheeny spaz."

Philippine president-elect Rodrigo Duterte's endorsed the killing corrupt journalists, warning them, "Just because you're a journalist you are not exempted from assassination, if you're a son of a bitch."

Informed of the statement, Donald Trump said, "Who says I'm not influential?"

A group of researchers from the University of Western Australia observed a group of wild gorillas in Rwanda over an 18-month period. Out of the 22 females studied, 18 of them engaged in lesbian love.

Male gorillas watching from nearby made verbal sounds, which the researchers translated as, "Yeah baby! Now we're talkin'! OW!"


Friday, June 17, 2016


Call me a sensitive old fool, but I've never understood why, for over 100 years, people have happily lined up to watch movies about the Titanic, whose whole raison d'etre is the drowning death of 1,503 people. 

You'd think something like that would be appealing to, say, a ruthless propagandist who wants to stoke an audience's basest instincts. You know, like James Cameron. 

But the wartime German version of Titanic was produced by a guy who took agitprop a million nasty steps further: Josef Goebbels. Believing that an epic about the most famous maritime disaster in history would be ripe for anti-British propaganda (he could've made propaganda from a driving manual), Goebbels hired director Herbert Selpin to shout "Aktion!", and rubbed his bony hands in anticipation. 

Ismay looks like a real nice guy.
Unlike other movie versions of the Titanic, the bad guys here aren't the icebergs, but the British and American aristocrats onboard. The construction of the Titanic has fallen behind schedule, driving the price of shares of the White Star Line to new lows. White Star president Bruce Ismay wants money saved and corners cut as the ship comes down the assembly line. Tell me if you see trouble ahead.

Ismay and other fatcats then start gobbling up White Star stock at a low price, hoping to make a killing (no pun intended) when the Titanic reaches New York on time -- or, even better, ahead of schedule. As he gets onboard the ship for its maiden voyage, Ismay orders Captain Edward Smith to sail full steam ahead, no matter the danger.

Meanwhile, John Jacob Astor, also on the Titanic, wants the ship to slow down -- not to protect the passengers, but so they arrive late. He, too, is buying White Star shares, and it's in his interest if the ship doesn't live up to its hype. His aim to is to buy enough shares from nervous investors in order to own 51% of the Titanic -- and the company itself -- when they finally dock. Where are those Magic 8 balls when you need them?

As the Titanic sinks, Petersen (right) tries to 
figure out how to tell Captain Smith and Bruce Ismay
"Toldja so!" in German.
The one person who sees through the despicable Brits and Yanks is 1st Officer Hans Petersen, who is -- well, whaddaya know? -- the only German on the crew. Petersen (who never really existed) spends the entire movie warning of the inevitable disaster. Goebbels' message seems to be, Hey, we tried! 

However, Titanic's self-righteous epilogue -- "The deaths of 1,500 people remain unatoned, forever a testament of Britain's endless quest for profit" -- is more than a little rich in light of history.

As with other Titanic movies, fictional characters come and go faster than you can say, "Achtung!". A Cuban jewel thief. Young lovers who meet hours before the sinking. A Russian heiress who's lost her fortune. Friends in steerage fighting over the same woman. And because many of the extras were commandeered from the Nazi military, it might be the only Titanic movie where you're happy to see the passengers die.

Panic inside a very large bathtub.
There's nothing really bad about Titanic. But there's nothing particularly special about it either, despite its extravagant budget ($180,000,000 in today's money) and shooting time (over a year). Only one, brief exterior shot appears to have been filmed on a real ship. The Titanic miniature itself is unconvincing. "Drowning" extras stand upright in roughly four feet of water. Warm water at that. 

The producer (right) and his boss drop by the set with some useful notes.
A movie about the making of Titanic would be more interesting. (A good summary can be found here.) But suffice it to say that Herbert Selpin wound up being a little too big for his lederhosen. In fact, it was likely the only time a producer fired his director by ordering him hanged in a jail cell. And they said Harry Cohn was tough!

So what did Josef Goebbels get in return for those four million Reichmarks lavished on Titanic? A movie about a preening, egomaniacal sociopath deliberately leading people to certain death. Say, where have I heard that before?... 

Realizing the obvious irony, Goebbels kept Titanic out of German theatres, but released it to Nazi-occupied countries and fellow Axis powers. A complete, uncensored video version wasn't made available until 2005. Whether it was worth the wait depends on your tolerance for underdeveloped supporting characters, overheated enemy propaganda, and a climax you've seen coming all your life. 

On the plus side: it's almost two hours shorter than James Cameron's Titanic, and lacks that version's horrible theme song by Celine Dion. 

OK, Goebbels, you win --this time.


Thursday, June 16, 2016


Recommended reading when you have trouble
falling asleep.
There was a big hubbub a few days ago when up-and-coming hacker Guccifer 2.0 broke into the DNC's computer system and stole, among other things, the party's "oppo research" regarding Donald Trump.

You can tell that the people who  wrote this thesis took it really seriously, going so far as to mark each page CONFIDENTIAL. A quick glance at the table of contents shows you just how top secret it really is. Trump Is Loyal Only To Himself. Trump Is A Liar. Trump Proposed Banning All Muslims.

This is confidential? Anyone with cable can watch the 7:00-7:20 block of Morning Joe and get the same information. I've been doing oppo research without even knowing it -- and in my underwear!

But then there's Trump's history -- Family and Upbringing. Childhood. Education. Draft Deferments -- surely, it takes a village of gumshoes to raise that kind of information, right? Nah, just someone who's ever heard of Wikipedia. You wonder where those after-school jobs are for teenagers? At the DNC, only they're paying Harvard grads to do the same thing at twice the price. 

"Who, me?"
The meat of the research provides no more insight than you've been getting from the first time you've ever heard Trump bellowing about himself: One thing is clear about Donald Trump, there is only person he has ever looked out for and that's himself. [...] Trump has switched his policy positions and political party affiliations multiple times over the course of the last few decades [...] Trump falsely claimed that President Obama was not born in the United States [...] 

You don't say? Do tell! Next thing you know, they'll spill the beans on his hair. However, one passage -- Trump has openly discussed his view that fidelity is the right thing to do unless a marriage is going poorly, and described his relationship with women as a game -- shouldn't be the centerpiece of a party featuring any guy named Kennedy or Clinton.

Notice how only two guys receive a "Mr." before their names. What's
a donor got to do to get some respect around here?
One wonders what the DNC's high-roller donors think of their dough going to a bunch of wannabe cloak-and-dagger researchers (and I use the word "researcher" advisedly). Maybe Steven Spielberg and Jeffery Katzenberg (total donations: $4,100,000) can make a movie about the DNC hack. 

Such a complex movie would need narration. As you read this CONFIDENTIAL passage, listen to it in your head as spoken by million-dollar donor Morgan Freeman:

Despite Trump's continual boasting about his business success, he has repeatedly run into serious financial crises in his career and his record raises serious questions about whether he is qualified to manage the fiscal challenges facing this country.

Damn, Freeman makes anything worth listening to.

"Why didn't somebody tell me that I wasn't
the only one who used computers?"
A big disappointment from the DNC hack, though, is Hillary Clinton's "secret" documents from her Secretary of State days regarding foreign policy, which appear to be nothing but a bunch of talking points, e.g.: On his first day as President, Barack Obama would give the military a new mission: ending the Iraq war. Uh, wasn't he yapping about that during his 2008 campaign?

However, in the next bullet point, Hillary seems to be confusing her role with that of Obama's: As Commander-In-Chief, I will have no greater priority than taking out these terrorists who threaten America, and finishing the job against the Taliban. Always thinking ahead, eh, Hillary? (Gee, remember those innocent, pre-ISIS days when all we had to worry about was the Taliban? Kind of makes me feel all wistful!)

Guccifer 2.0 gave Wikileaks 99% of the documents, so maybe the good stuff will turn up over there. Otherwise, this is the biggest disappointment since season two of True Detective. Maybe Mr. 2.0 can bust into the RNC files and discover classified information such as: Hillary Clinton has been linked to several scandals over the decades, and was a self-described "Goldwater Girl" in 1964 before switching parties. Should make for some fascinating CONFIDENTIAL reading.


Wednesday, June 15, 2016


This announcement comes shortly after the confirmation of a search for Clinton's new Homeland Security team, which has been dubbed "Operation Dromedary."

In response, a spokesman for the school said, "This lawsuit is just another example of interfering with our proud Southern  heritage."

When informed that the shooter was born in Queens, Trump promised to build a wall around the hospital.

"And it's especially dangerous," Manning added, "when it's us preachers who are caught having sodomy with 10 year-old boys."

The other 6% are on life support.

"And by 'positive,'" said Clinton, "I mean that I'm positive that Jane Sanders will be released unharmed shortly after the convention."


Tuesday, June 14, 2016


Just in case you caught the Tony Awards the other night, prepare yourself for a shock: Alexander Hamilton wasn't a rapper, nor was he Latino. In truth, he spoke with the upperest of upper crust British accents, and resembled the Phantom of the Opera following plastic surgery. 

In other words, 34 year-old Alexander Hamilton looked exactly like 65 year-old George Arliss. I know people aged faster back in the day, but wow.

Just one example of Arliss' seemingly endless parade of historical biopics, Alexander Hamilton is unique in that it seems to be the only one where his character doesn't play foxy ol' matchmaker for his daughter and a shy, handsome young man. Instead, he has to focus his energy on convincing Thomas Jefferson that it's necessary for America to create a national bank. Where's the romance in that?

The only time it'll take a man longer to
undress than a woman.
You'd be surprised. While his wife Betsy is away in London caring for her ill sister, Hamilton does the 18th-century dirty with Mariah Reynolds, the wife of his enemy James Reynolds -- who himself arranged the affair for blackmailing purposes. (Hamilton had fired Reynolds from his Treasury job for being drunk and lazy. I thought that was a requirement for a government job.)

Faster than Hamilton can say, "I did not have sex with that woman, Mariah Reynolds," another of his political enemies, Sen. Timothy Roberts, gives him the lowdown: withdraw your bill regarding the national bank, or your illicit sleepovers will be front page news. Man, I bet Hamilton was sorry he ever created the New York Post.

Betsy Hamilton realizes that one cheating
husband is worth 13 united states.
But Hamilton cares nothing for his reputation, only for the the survival of the United States, further proof that we're watching a period piece. Betsy is ready to take the first coach out of Philadelphia, but stays when her husband assures her that his dalliance meant nothing. (Wives, take note!) 

Suddenly, Thomas Jefferson and most of Congress show up to let Hamilton know that they rewarded his honesty for admitting his affair by approving the national bank. Moral of the story: cheating on your spouse is good for the country. (Wives, take note!) And for good measure, President George Washington shows up to offer his heartiest congratulations. (Wives -- ahh, you know the score by now).

Hamilton thanks Washington for defeating the British
by offering to put his face on a coin worth 25 cents. 
Having acted onstage since the 1880s, George Arliss' acting style tended toward the theatrical. But by the time of Alexander Hamilton (which he originally played on Broadway in 1917), he was starting to tone things down -- even if he delivers a line like "No good news is good news" as if it were straight from the Bible.

Too, the movie offers some interesting historical highlights. Thomas Jefferson will agree to the national bank only if Hamilton agrees to put the U.S. capital in the South. In a slyly amusing moment, Hamilton, who has already decided that the capital should be built from scratch on the Potomac River, compliments Jefferson for thinking of it himself. This was the last time any politician allowed somebody else to take credit for anything.

"Thank you for your service... And that's a wrap!"
And speaking of history, I had no idea until Alexander Hamilton that General George Washington bade farewell to his troops on a Warner Brothers soundstage with a painted backdrop. History classes are worthless. (Just to prove the versatility of Alan Mowbray, the actor who portrays Washington, he later played Satan in The Devil with Hitler. I'd like to see de Niro try that.)

If you're unfamiliar with George Arliss, Alexander Hamilton isn't necessarily the place to start. I'd suggest his wonderfully witty performances in A Successful Calamity and The Last Gentleman (what a perfect title for him!), followed by the dramas The Man Who Played God and The Green Goddess. 

Now you know where Prince got the idea
for his stage outfits.
But you're not going to search them out, so why do I bother? Because, if nothing else, George Arliss gives you the rare chance to see a 19th-century stage actor walking and talking on your TV. It's like a damn episode of The Twilight Zone.

So if you can't score a ticket to the current Hamilton musical, consider George Arliss' take on our first Secretary of Treasury. Remember, the play is almost 3 hours long, while the movie is a zippy 70 minutes -- and without all that darn hippity-hop music.


The original 1931 trailer for Alexander Hamilton. Imagine George Arliss on an Imax screen in 3-D. Yikes!


Monday, June 13, 2016


Omar Mateen has been identified as the perpetrator of the worst gun-related massacre in U.S. history (as of today), having killed 50 people at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Mateen had called 911 to pledge allegiance to ISIS before the killing. Witnesses report that Mateen shouted, "Allahu Akbar" during the rampage. In addition, a former co-worker had reported Mateen to management, describing the killer as "unhinged and unstable," as well as being misogynistic, homophobic, anti-Semitic and anti-black. Mateen's father, Seddique, is the former host of an anti-American talk show on which he referred to the Taliban as "our warrior brothers," while the official ISIS news agency reports that the attack "was carried out by an Islamic state fighter."

Authorities are looking for a motive into the killing.

In related news, Texas Republican Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, an anti-gay rights advocate, deleted a Tweet he posted a few hours after the massacre which quoted the Biblical scripture, "A man reaps what he sows."

Patrick apologized for the Tweet. "The quote I meant to post was, 'If a man lies with a male as with a woman, they shall surely be put to death.' I'm sorry for the confusion." 

In tweeting about the killings, few Republicans mentioned that gays were the specific target, while Florida's own representative, the anti-LGBT Ted Yoho, didn't have anything to say at all.

When pressed for a comment, Yoho admitted that the massacre was "bittersweet."

Meanwhile, in a rare show of unity, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell and Democratic Senator Harry Reid appeared together to deliver prepared remarks regarding the Orlando killings.

"At a time like this, it's important that American citizens feel a sense of continuity," Reid said. "So we want to assure you that Democrats and Republicans will continue to say the same things we always do following this type of incident.  For instance, Democrats will do everything in their power to promote this tragedy as a simple crime rather than a terrorist act." 

McConnell added, "And let me say that the GOP will do its part by blocking any attempt to make AR-15 rifles illegal for civilian use, or to even enact common-sense gun laws. The NRA has donated over $8,000,000 to the GOP in the last 26 years, and we're not turning off that spigot any time soon." 

"I'm with you there," Reid said, "even if the NRA did give Democrats only a little over a million and a half during that time. The AR-15 is the same kind of gun used to kill 20 kids at Sandy Hook. We Democrats controlled the White House and both house of Congress then, and we didn't do a thing to change any laws then. Why the hell should we now? When kids and gays start giving us the kind of dough we get from the NRA, then we'll talk."

McConnell added,"Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families and the victims in Orlando, because that's all they're gonna get from us," before he and Reid high-fived each other.


Friday, June 10, 2016


Somebody once said that many people vote for a particular candidate for president by asking themselves, Is this somebody I can put up with appearing on the news every night?

If that's the formula, then I'm cancelling my cable service. However, considering how Hillary Clinton has ducked reporters for most of her political career, maybe that won't be a problem if she's elected.

But there are other, more important things to consider when electing a president. So if you still can't decide between Clinton or Trump, here are some questions to ask yourself before going into the voting booth.

1. Which candidate is going to be the best friend Wall Street ever had?

2. Which candidate knows a member of a minority who isn't a servant, aide or useful political ally?

3. Which candidate is unable to give a straight answer to save their life?

4. Which candidate's campaign can be described as a cult of personality?

5. Which candidate is said to have been plotting their campaign for at least two decades?

6. Which candidate is going to renege on the promises that got them nominated?

7. Which candidate is wound tighter than a rattlesnake around a baby gopher?

8. Which candidate is known to have a hair-trigger temper?

9. Which candidate demands absolute obedience from underlings at the risk of suffering his or her unending wrath?

10. Which candidate gets into trouble when going off-script?

11. Which candidate makes no bones of being contemptuous of the press?

12. Which candidate is going to use the power of the presidency to go after their opponents?

13. Which candidate is distrusted by an overwhelming majority of the electorate?

14. Which candidate strikes fear in the heart of their party?

15. Which candidate, when you get right down to it, is a cynical, power-mad plutocrat willing to do whatever it takes to get their own way?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Now you know the differences between the presumptive Democrat and Republican presidential candidates. Vote wisely. 

Remember: you have a choice.         

Oh yeah. 


Wednesday, June 8, 2016


In her victory speech last night, Hillary Clinton told the cheering crowd, "We believe that cooperation is better than conflict, unity is better division, empowerment is better than resentment and bridges are better than walls."

"And speaking from experience," she added, "it's better to throw a vase at your husband's head than a bottle."

Although having won only two states last night, Bernie Sanders plans on taking the contest to the Washington, DC primary next week, saying, "The struggle continues."

"And by struggle," he explained, "I mean how to convince my supporters to keep sending money."

On the Republican side, Donald Trump spoke after his 5-state primary sweep, vowing to win against Hillary Clinton in November.

Trump is already planning for the inaugural ball next January, and says that he looks forward to a traditional brownshirt ceremony.

In Atlanta, Jennifer Mulford has quit her job in order to adult breastfeed her boyfriend Brad Leeson every two hours. She says, “We both wanted the same thing out of the relationship — a magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve.”

Experts said they've never seen so many boobs in one relationship.

The National Enquirer is reporting that exercise guru Richard Simmons is living as a woman named Fiona after undergoing a sex change.

Informed of the shocking news, the president of the Richard Simmons Fan Club responded, "Wait, he was a man?"

In Hawaii, Alexandria Duval was charged with second-degree murder in the death of her twin sister Anastasia by intentionally driving their SUV off a cliff. The sisters had worked together as yoga instructors.

Prosecutors said that if found guilty, Duval's final position will be Downward Facing Noose. 


Monday, June 6, 2016


Boxing legend Muhammed Ali, 74, died in Arizona  after a long battle with Parkinson's Disease.

While celebrated as one of the greatest athletes of all time, Ali is being mourned by B-list celebrities as a prop for creepy, self-aggrandizing photos even though he had no idea who the hell they were.

Scientists have described the event as a major breakthrough in the cloning of dinosaurs.

Ken Shupe, a tow-truck driver in South Carolina who supports Donald Trump, said that God told him to leave a disabled driver stranded on Interstate-26 because she had a Bernie Sanders sticker on her car. 

When asked for a response, God told reporters, "Shupe didn't understand what I meant when I told him to get lost."

In related news, a poll shows that the world's "only" existing idiots don't all live in South Carolina; it only seems that way.

When asked for a comment, God said, "Now do you understand the shit I have to deal with on a regular basis?"