Friday, February 12, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: 2/12/16

Producer David Hill told Variety that this year's Academy Awards telecast "will be the most diverse ever."

Hill promised, "I mean, you're going to see so many different kinds of white people -- tall, short, some with facial hair, some without. And the women -- blondes, blondes with extensions, blondes without extensions. Hoo boy, is it going to be diverse!"


A satiric Doritos commercial featuring the ultrasound image of an unborn baby reaching for his father's Doritos was slammed in a National Abortion Rights Action League tweet for "humanizing fetuses."

 "How can we believe in human fetuses," it went on to say, "since we're a bunch of jackasses?"





Heidi Cruz said  that her husband, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), was showing America "the face of the God that we serve" through his faith-based Republican presidential campaign.

Asked for a comment, God's spokesman told reporters, "He's the Almighty -- do you think he'd make Himself look like that?"





Madonna lookalike Chris America has gone as far as having a dentist drill a gap between her front teeth so her smile is just like the singer's.

Chris' next step is to drill a hole in her brain to make her IQ just like Madonna's as well.






Communists in Russia have threatened to blockade the country's oldest movie studio if it goes ahead to make a biopic of Nikolai Lenin starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

"Such a casting would be a travesty," they added. "It's Seth Rogen or nobody!





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Thursday, February 11, 2016

SAVING THE WORLD, ONE LAWSUIT AT A TIME

We New Yorkers take a backseat to no one when it comes to sophisticated thinking. Unfortunately, there are others -- all under 35 -- who take offense at anything as easily as they do soy milk in their grande latte. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please meet 33 year-old Justin Renel Joseph, who's suing the Metropolitan Museum of Art because:

Would you sue over this painting?
 
Now, there are other reasons to take offense at the Met. Like the employees who give you dirty looks if you offer anything less than the "suggested" $20 entry fee. Or those sticky tags that you have to wear in your lapel proving that you forked over your money. And while we're at it, what about the ham-and-cheese omelette -- excuse me, souffle -- for 24 bucks at the Met's restaurant? That's worth suing over. 

Let's learn a little more about our plaintiff.


Christian, bi-racial male of Hebrew and African descent -- man, that's a double hat-trick of offense just waiting to happen. And all over a bunch of obscure paintings by artists nobody knows whose names can't be pronounced without sounding like Daffy Duck. 

Thanks to the Whitney,
balloon animals are now considered
art.
Not that I don't get what this guy is feeling. I take offense at most of what I see at the Museum of Modern Art and the Whitney -- New York's two major depositories for what their curators don't realize is a gigantic in-joke at their expense. It's kind of psychological trompe l'oiel

But I react by avoiding those fun-houses. Joseph's reaction? 


OK, so I feel kind of rejected and unaccepted by society when I call out most of modern art for the bullshit that it is. That's fine. In fact, my self-esteem rises in reaction to society's rejection. I feel quite comfortable and enjoy much contentment as a result. Justin, you don't like the artwork? Don't go to the museum. 

In case you were wondering, Justin Renel Joseph is described on his Twitter feed as a "Philosopher" -- apparently the philosophy of Too Much Time on My Hands -- and "Writer of the book, The Universe from Nothing to Love." If you're interested, you can download it to your Kindle for a mere 99 cents. There are no reviews, so your purchase might be something of a crapshoot. 

What's more interesting is that Joseph runs something called Humanity Project, which, according to its site, "advocates for the underprivileged members of our global community, no matter their color, gender, sexual orientation, place of birth, beliefs or age." I bet that doesn't include Renaissance-era artists.

Still, Humanity Project looks like a good and noble idea -- even if its Facebook page hasn't been updated since mid-December -- the same week, in fact, Joseph stopped updating his Twitter feed (two followers!) and not long after he sued the Met. Lawsuits take a lot of time away from saving the world.

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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: 2/9/16

Hamas says it has killed one of its own commanders over unnamed “moral and behavioral violations.”

While the details are unconfirmed, Hamas leader Aljins Alameiz was overheard complaining, "If I told him once, I told him a thousand times -- virgin goats only!"



Researchers at the University of Aberdeen have concluded that the female brain isn't wired for weight loss.

The study was financed by Godiva Chocolates. 




The partner of a rookie NYPD officer on trial for killing an unarmed man in Brooklyn told jurors  that he didn't make any attempts to revive the victim because the police academy had helped him cheat on his CPR certification test.

As the cop explained, "Look, If I wanted to save lives, I'd've gone to med school, alright?""


An animal shelter in Bristow, Oklahoma has come under intense criticism for euthanizing dogs by shooting them.

The shelter apologized, and promised instead to drown them head first in the toilet.



At a  rally for Hillary Clinton in Manchester, NH, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright rebuked young women who were supporting Bernie Sanders, warning them, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't support each other!"

Albright added, "By the way, this doesn't go for women named Lewinsky or Fiorina. Then you can defame the shit out of them!"


In related news, Gloria Steinem said she was misunderstood when she told Bill Maher that young women prefer Bernie Sanders to Hillary Clinton because "that's where the boys are."

"What I meant to say," Steinem explained, "was that young women have no idea what they're doing, and instead should listen to out-of-touch geriatric women who think it's still 1967. Is that clear?"


Scientists have been asked to verify claims that a man died after being hit by a meteorite in southern India.

If verified, it would be the first case of someone being killed by a fallen star since Nicole Brown Simpson.



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Monday, February 8, 2016

WHERE THE BOYS ARE: 2016

Feminist icon Gloria Steinem has drawn the wrath of the Twitterverse for suggesting that young women supporting Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign are doing so to gain the attention of men.

“When you’re young, you’re thinking, ‘Where are the boys? The boys are with Bernie,'” Steinem told Bill Maher Friday night on the comic’s HBO show “Real Time.”



(To sing along, use the instrumental version at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty70YjPdBqc)

Where the boys are
Someone waits for Bern.
A craggy face, a slower pace,
With two feet shufflin' to the lectern.

Where the boys are
I will find myself.
Steinem claims I have no brain --
My liberation's on the shelf.

In a crowd of a million voters
I'll tell him I'm all his,
And then I'll go right online and cancel
My subscription to Ms.

Steinem's claiming
Here's all I truly yearn:
Where the boys are
Where the boys are
Where the boys are
I'll put out for Bern.


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Friday, February 5, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: 2/5/16

A Mexican family of six has been found dead in an apparent murder/suicide in Chicago.

Donald Trump remarked, "Well, that's one way of taking care of it."


Authorities have confiscated $39-million worth of counterfeit NFL merchandise just days before the Super Bowl.

In a statement to the press, Commissioner Roger Goodell said, "This was an important day for us. Only the NFL has the right to rip off its fans."




A study has shown that more babies were born to poor families in Texas when the state stopped funding Planned Parenthood in 2013.

In defending the move, Gov. Rick Perry said, "Hey, somebody's gotta shop at Walmart."






A so-called "pro-rape" rally set to take place in New York's Washington Square Park on Saturday has been canceled, out of concern that police could no longer guarantee the safety of the men who want to attend.

An overwhelming number of New Yorkers polled said that was exactly why the rally should go on as scheduled.



The fourth most Googled search regarding Bernie Sanders following Thursday's Democratic debate was, "How to donate to Bernie Sanders."

When learning of that, Hillary Clinton cackled, "Shit, baby, Wall Street has me on speed dial!"

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Thursday, February 4, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: 2/4/16

In order to stop the rising number of crimes on New York subways, Police Commissioner Bill Bratton has ordered cops to wake up sleeping passengers.

"And the next step," Bratton told reporters, "is preventing people from going on the subway in the first place. I don't know why we didn't think of this before!"


Sumner Redstone, 92, has resigned as chairman of CBS.

Redstone said he wanted to spend more time with middle-aged floozies who are content to wipe spittle off his food-stained necktie in order to eventually contest his will.


ISIS has released photos of a disabled terrorist in a wheelchair who crucified an alleged spy.

In response, Secretary of State John Kerry said, "While there is more work to be done in that region, we applaud ISIS for their sense of inclusiveness."



A website quoted former NSA official John C. Inglis saying that the number one threat to America's electrical grid is squirrels.

Donald Trump has promised to send all the squirrels back to Mexico where they came from.



Three men in India have been sentenced to death for raping a 20 year-old woman and murdering her before throwing her body down a well.

The men protested the sentence, asking, "Wait, you mean that isn't legal in India?"



In other Indian news, a disabled woman claims she was forced to crawl off a plane and onto the tarmac at a New Delhi airport when nobody provided a wheelchair for her.

A spokesman for the airline said, "Hey, it could've been worse. I mean, she could've been raped, murdered and thrown down a well."


Marc Nicholls of Australia says he was left disgusted and feeling sick after biting into what he thought was a premium chicken breast from KFC, only to find he'd nearly swallowed a large intact lung.

KFC took action by banning cell phone cameras from their restaurants.





A class-action lawsuit has been filed in California against McDonald's claiming that the chain's mozzarella sticks don't contain cheese.

A McDonald's spokesman promised to make it up to the customers by serving them mozzarella sticks filled with chicken lungs.




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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: 2/3/16

The Chick-fil-A fast food chain has claimed that people can lose weight by eating 8 of its chicken nuggets every 3 to 4 hours.

As Chick-fil-A spokesman Brad Lanes explained, "You know a better way of throwing up?"


John William Holland, a weatherman for KMVT-TV in Idaho, was arrested for felony rape after a woman claimed he placed his hand on her throat during a violent sex attack in his home.

Holland's future is stormy with a 90% chance of being called "Sally" by his future cellmate.


Tata Motors of India has been forced to change the name of its Zica auto in order for it not to be confused with the Zika virus.

The car will now be called Zmallpox.



The Washington, DC city council has unanimously approved a bill that includes a proposal to pay 200 known lawbreakers up to $9,000 a year not to commit any crimes.

Upon hearing the news, an anonymous Congressman told a reporter, "Shit, we get paid 20 times that to do whatever the hell we want!"


An 84-year-old widow in Minnesota has been sent a letter by the church she has attended for the last 50 years, saying she cannot be buried in the plot next to her husband because of how irregularly she goes to services.

The letter added, however, that the church would reconsider if she dropped off a dozen or so little boys at the back door after midnight.


An ex-Soviet agent claims that Josef Stalin made his spies examine the excrement of foreign leaders for clues about their personalities.

Unsurprisingly, the spies discovered they were all full of shit.



Clifford Ray Jones of Detroit was killed when he was ejected through the sunroof of his car while driving along the highway with his pants down and masturbating to porn being shown on his cellphone. 

Jones' family is suing the city for not making it clear that it was against the law.




Bernie Sanders has attributed his stamina in the presidential campaign to being a long-distance runner in high school.

"In fact," he added, "that was how I delivered the mail before the Pony Express."


In related news, at a press conference Hillary Clinton said she was more attuned to the problems of the middle class than Bernie Sanders.

Afterwards, she charged the reporters $250,000 for her comments.

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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SCREEN

You've heard it once, you've heard it twice, you've heard it a million times. A widow finds romance a year or so after the husband dies. Friends are delighted: "She's never been happier!"

You hear that and think, How nice. I hear it and think, She's happier than when she was married? Does that mean she's glad her husband's dead?

There's nothing cynical about that. It's just another way of looking at things. I do it all the time with movies:

An underage prostitute is rescued from her violent pimp by a lonely cabbie who only wants to make life better for everyone.


A successful businessman who can't put up with lazy people suffers a work-induced mental breakdown that drastically alters his personality.







Animal cruelty takes center stage when a monkey is cruelly taken from its jungle lair and put on display in New York, only to be hunted down when he breaks from his chains in a fearless act of rebellion.





Government officials are kidnapped, robbed and humiliated by a pack of homeless, unemployed criminals. During one caper, a rich female hostage falls victim to Stockholm Syndrome.






The sluttish daughter of a slave-owning drunk rejects her strong, loving spouse for the effeminate, dithering husband of her morally-superior sister.






Far from the closest city, a priest claims to do God's work by living with dozens of boys whom he home-schools, forces to do all the housekeeping, and never allows off the premises on their own. 






America is whipped into a war frenzy by an impetuous, over-achieving entertainer's corny, jingoistic musicals.







A salesman who only wants to be left alone is disturbed by the peeping-tom who's spying on everyone in the neighborhood.


The countryside is thrown into panic when dozens of prisoners stage a breakout, thanks to the lackadaisical warden and a blackmailed guard.

A cold woman decides to two-time her courageous, war-hero husband with a sarcastic, draft-dodging, borderline-depressive saloon owner who not only drinks and smokes too much, but also allows Nazis into his establishment.



Bigotry rears its ugly head when a vainglorious white entertainer rises to the top of show business on the back of African-Americans, to the delight of his racist fans. 




A naive-bordering-on-imbecilic senator betrays his mentor in order to puff up his own rather thin résumé.








A poor woman with little more than good looks shacks up with seven men afflicted with diastrophic dysplasia. When the men care for her after she suffers a near-fatal drug overdose, she pays them back by running off with a rich stranger.




Damned with psychological issues and an attraction to little girls, an elderly man is put on trial for identity theft.








After the angry manager of a failing bank selfishly refuses a six-figure-salaried job, he walks out on his family on Christmas Eve in favor of an all-night bender, leading to a frightening bout of DTs.





A bitter widower who treats his children like POWs dumps his fiance in favor of the babysitter, a sexually-aroused nun.

                                                          


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