Friday, February 22, 2013


"Oh God, why didn't I make it look like a suicide?"
You have to admit, there's something kinda funny about the DA considering Oscar Pistorius a flight risk. The guy hasn't got legs! On the other hand, neither does his story. I thought there was an intruder in my bathroom, so I fired my gun through the door four times. Oh, the girlfriend? I forgot she was there!

Unless Pistorius lives in the Palace of Versailles, it's pretty unlikely that he could lose track of a model in his home. Just as unlikely as the lead detective in the case would be currently charged with seven counts of attempted murder. Oh wait...

Well, if Pistorius' luck keeps up like that, he should be walking -- er, stumping the streets in no time. According to his coach, Pistorius will be back to training in a matter of days. Just what he's going to be training for went unexplained. Does he expect to return to the Olympics if he gets off a murder rap? Women make up the overwhelming number of its viewers. I don't see them cheering on a guy who "accidentally" blew away his girlfriend with four bullets. Or even one.

Maybe the Paralympics audience would be more forgiving. Hey, he's got no legs but he was still able to kill somebody! But that move would be like Jennifer Aniston returning to a weekly sitcom -- not out of the realm of possibility but a humiliating admission of defeat. (I'm sure there's a pun concerning Pistorius and "defeat" but I'm too sophisticated to wallow in such alleged humor.) 

He might want to consider getting out of the running game altogether and look for a sport more worthy of his talents and to make some dough at the same time. The natural thing would be for Pistorius, OJ Simpson and Robert Blake on a pay-per-view skeet shooting competition. They'd just have to remember to aim their guns up.

One thing's for sure, those multimillion-dollar sponsorship deals are off the table. This is kind of a shame since Pistorius' ads for Nike and Thierry Mugler Fragrance were astonishingly prescient in light of what happened. And, no, I couldn't make this up:

Mugler's press release upon signing him said it all: Part man, part god and unchained by the conventional codes of seduction, he is defined by his interior strength and his desire to conquer… Oscar Pistorius possesses the masculine values which Thierry Mugler holds so dear. If that's the case, then Thierry Mugler should be behind bars in no time.

And while we're on the subject, Nike really ought to take a moment and study its questionable taste in spokespeople:

TIGER WOODS: Serial slut hound.
MICHAEL VICK: Dogfight referee.
MARION JONES: Lying juicer.
LANCE ARMSTRONG: Juicing liar. 
OSCAR PISTORIUS: Self-confessed bad shot.

Four criminals and an adulterer. If I were the guy in charge of hiring Nike's shills, I'd be a little concerned if I had a job next Monday. 

Hey, they might as well.

Let me give you some advice, Nike. Watch some commercials other than your own. Most products are sold by ordinary people that the folks at home can relate to. Now look at the five people I listed above. Who can relate to them except other overpaid, unpleasant, lawbreaking athletes? The same ones who get their sneakers for free anyway. No, what you need is someone who's not in any danger of breaking the morals clause in any contract. Someone normal. Like me.

Look, I'm not cheating on my wife with sleazy groupies, nor am I going to kill her. Right there, women will give the OK. Pretty easy, isn't it? 

Nor do I engage in animal or drug abuse, so we've got PETA and rehab groups on your side. All I am is a nice guy who runs when the weather is warm. Someone that people can, yes, relate to. Because I've seen runners in downpours and snowstorms, when the temperature is 99 or 14, and I can tell you, nobody relates to them except other freaks. Is that who you want Nike to represent?

Don't worry about experience. I've done print ads, so I can give you what you want in one take. Nor will I make outrageous demands while on the set. Heck, I'll bring my own lunch if you want. No $40-million down the tubes like with Lance Armstrong, either. A low seven-figure salary, as you paid Oscar Pistorius, will be just fine.

The ball's in your court. And, if you need reminding, Pistorius is in criminal court.

No comments: