Thursday, May 30, 2013


For Immediate Release  
May 30, 2013                                                              

                                         REGARDING  DRONE STRIKE POLICY

                                                     South Lawn

8:46 A.M. EDT 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good afternoon, thank you for coming. After my remarks, I'll take one or two of your questions.

I realize there's been a lot of controversy regarding U.S. policy on drone strikes against American citizens. Let me be clear, I do not take these strikes lightly, nor do I want to want to minimize the collateral damage that may come with them. Still, we have to realize there are Americans actively working against our best interests. These folks need to be dealt with, even on our own territory and when our safety and security are not necessarily at stake, because some people are just asking for it. After consulting with the Pentagon, I've drawn up a list of potential targets.

First, we've got our sites on drivers who turn on their blinker even though they're not going to make a turn. This is one of the most annoying things you can do on our roads outside of driving 55 in the fast lane. Don't you fools hear that "dink-dink-dink" sound the blinker makes? We see your blinker going and we're afraid to change lanes because you might sideswipe us. Let me be clear to all guilty drivers: if you don't turn off the blinker, we'll make sure your next exit will be your last.

Something I remember from living in New York were people who liked to sing while walking down the street. Now I'm not talking about when you just hum to yourself on a sunny day. No, these knuckleheads sing out loud like they're at Carnegie Hall, like we've paid to hear them. Sometimes they sing opera. Really, just burst into Rigoletto or something. And they'll do it in the middle of the night, waking up the neighborhood. Well, I'm here to warn all you budding Pavarottis, if you want to sing, that's what the shower is for. You step outside your door thinking the whole world's American Idol, you're getting voted off permanently.

Something I've heard many complaints about are grocery store cash registers that don't recognize the barcode. So the cashier calls for the manager or tells the kid who bags the groceries to go to the shelf and find out what the price is. And you know they never have all the checkout lanes open, so the line just keeps getting longer while you wait for the price. Now let me be clear: I don't do the shopping, but I know people who do, and they are sick of it. This is the 21st-century, people! We've computer chips running the space station, but a scanner can't read a code for a six-pack of Yuengling? That's crazy. It's a waste of time and our precious resources. You store managers better start fixing the cash registers now or you're going to ring up a permanent "No Sale."

And speaking of food, I don't know if you've noticed, but my friend Chris Christie has been shedding the pounds lately. Michelle likes that. And when mom's happy, everybody's happy. So let me be clear: anyone on the Atlantic City boardwalk gives my man Chris a slice with everything, you're getting sliced. 

Some more folks we're putting on warning are those on the next jury deciding the penalty of Jodi Arias. After that nightmare of a trial, you're telling me the first one couldn't come up with a punishment? And the new jury is going to have to hear all the evidence again? Let me be clear: I'm sure I speak on behalf of all Americans when I say, we have had it with this happy horseshit.  This time, just throw her in the can or fry her, one or the other, we don't care. Just make a goddamn decision, or else that's going to be the last jury notice you ever get.

Thank you. I'll take your questions.

REPORTER: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Jim Rosen, Fox News. Do you plan any drone strikes on report--


PRESIDENT OBAMA: That's all for today, thanks again for coming.

8:55 A.M.


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