Wednesday, June 12, 2013


"I bet I look pretty hot you now, eh, ladies?"
Whoever doubts that America is still land the opportunity hasn't been paying attention to the job timeline of Edward Snowden. High school dropout. Kicked out of the army after five months. Security guard at the NSA. Computer guy at the CIA. Accessing everybody's email, phone calls and internet activity through his job with a consulting firm. Becoming the world's most wanted disgruntled worker. And I haven't mentioned drawing a six-figure salary while living in Hawaii with his girlfriend.

This is indeed a great country. 

You know you're very, very important
if Donald Trump has an opinion of you.
Edward Snowden, rather than being considered a fugitive from justice, should be the poster boy for the current generation of teenagers. They now have concrete proof that a college education is unnecessary to get what is commonly referred to as "a good job" and "a hot girlfriend" (although by my eyes, she's closer to lukewarm). Most of Snowden's CV, in fact, is that of a loser. Yet through sheer grit, determination and a government desperate to farm out highly sensitive intelligence work to utterly unqualified people at relatively cut-rate salaries, he acquired the kind of top secret clearance you usually see only in Tom Cruise movies. Diploma, shiploma -- all you need is a job with a government contractor.

From rent-a-cop
to rent-a-spy.
Yes, Eric Snowden is a rags-to-riches story possible only in America. You can't tell me there aren't some mighty jealous, debt-ridden Yale grads out there right now: I owe a quarter-mill to the government while this joker became a spy with only a GED?  And talk about friends in high places. Although Snowden is said to be mulling a move to Iceland, the Russian government might offer him asylum. As government apparatchik Alexy Pushkov said, "Listening to telephones and tracking the internet, the US special services broke the laws of their country. In this case, Snowden, like [Julian] Assange, is a human rights activist." If it's freedom from spying, phone-bugging and internet snooping you're looking for, you have no better friend than Vladimir Putin. From brown bag lunches to Prime Osetra Caviar -- Edward Snowden's life is a Horatio Alger novel for the digital age.

Lindsay Mills'
interpretation of
Swan Lake.
Even Lindsay Mills, Snowden's girlfriend (until he skipped out to Hong Kong) is an example how you can remake yourself with just a little American ingenuity and know-how. She describes herself as a ballerina -- apparently because she posed for a couple of photos in a tutu -- when she's in reality a pole-dancer. You can bet your last thong that she's going to figure out a way to capitalize on her situation. I see a gig on Dancing with the Stars, Big Brother or, at the very least, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club on West 51st Street. Let not forget, either, the inevitable 20/20 interview and book deal from Random House. She won't even have to write her memoirs, either; a ghostwriter will be provided for her. And she's going to make more than you in the process. Life is good, baby.

As of this writing, Edward Snowden is on the run. If the CIA is as powerful as he suggests, he won't make it to the Reykjavik Residence Inn without being found out. Since he's unlikely to get rehired anytime soon, I offer myself as his replacement. Despite being ridiculously overqualified compared to Snowden, I can assure you that I wouldn't look a $122K salary and a pad in Hawaii in the mouth. Resume available on request. And as for pole-dancing, I'm sure my wife could figure it out.


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