WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING

Pressure is building regarding what the United States' response will be to the alleged chemical gassing of Syrian rebels and civilians by strongman Bashar al-Assad. When asked about President Obama's "red line" comment of a year ago referring to the use of chemical weapons, White House spokesman Jay Carney replied, "We're studying the situation very closely. Right now, the line seems to be more magenta-ish, which, as you know, is really closer to pink. Some of the UN inspectors on the ground believe it to be more raspberry, which is definitely darker, but still not the 'red' we're looking for. We've had reports that, in some areas, things are looking more alizarin crimson, which is closer to the mark."

Carney was quick to disagree with a reporter's opinion that the White House was splitting hairs. "Look, we know what we're talking about. We've been consulting with experts in the art world. Plus, there's a large color wheel in the situation room. Next to each color is a word or phrase. For instance, next to rosewood is 'Dead bodies, looks hinky.' Fuchsia, on the other hand, is 'same ol', same ol'.' But vermilion is 'Suspicious. Let's take another look at the next round of video that comes in.' So yes, we're taking this very, very seriously."

Responding to the demand that the White House do something, Carney replied, "We are studying 'doing something' very carefully. We just don't want to go out half-cocked and do anything. We are looking into exactly what our options of 'something' are. The President has been consulting with Secretary of State Kerry regarding what those somethings are. We have at our disposal a whole list of somethings to do. I mean, you wouldn't believe how many somethings we have. We're sharing these somethings with our allies right now. And once we reach a consensus as to which something is the best, then we will do it, but not before then." When asked to give an example, Carney replied, "I'm not going into specifics, but when it happens -- it'll be something. And President Assad would be wise to heed our warning. Because when America says it's going to do something... it's going to do something. Or other."