Wednesday, September 11, 2013


A new study from Emory University in Atlanta finds that men who tend to be a loving parent also have smaller testicles. In related news, the Father of the Year awards have been cancelled for lack of interested nominees.

Elliot Spitzer lost his bid for New York City Comptroller to Scott Stringer. When asked why he stayed in the race despite his history with prostitutes, Spitzer said, "Anyone who knews me will tell you I've never been one to pull out too early." 

Fellow disgraced New Yorker Anthony Weiner lost the election for Mayor, receiving only 5% of the primary vote. Coincidentally, that was the same percentage of his sexting partners over the age of 17.

An artificial egg backed by Bill Gates goes on sale at Whole Foods today. Gates promised that the egg would come with Word already installed.

In his address to the nation last night, President Obama assured that the U.S. military does not inflict "pinpricks" on its adversaries but is more than ready to scratch their eyes out.

Blind people in Iowa are now allowed to own guns. While anti-gun advocates bashed the move, NRA Vice-President Wayne LaPierre asked, "What are they complaining about? One hundred per-cent of the recorded gun fatalities have been responsible by people who can see."

The gulf between the richest 1 percent and the rest of America is the widest it's been since 1928. The good news is that the lower-income families are less likely to get hurt by flying champagne corks, suffer from food poisoning due to tekkamaki rolls or a get a flat tire on their BMW.


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