Saturday, September 14, 2013


The Vatican has opened the door to the possibility of priests getting married. A spokesman for Pope Francis said, "We thought it would be a good idea to let them know what hell was like first-hand."

“Big Brother” host Julie Chen revealed that she had plastic surgery to fix her “Asian eyes" at the age of 25. "But it had nothing to do with my subsequent success on television," she added. "I owe that to hard work, determination and sleeping with Les Moonves."

Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida. Authorities believe they were infected by Miley Cyrus.

Audio pioneer Ray Dolby, founder of Dolby Laboratories, has died at his home in San Francisco. When faced with the diagnosis of leukemia, Dolby said, "Anything's better than mono."

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s diary, leaked to the New York Post details his greed, countless sexual affairs while married, and  his hypocritical views on civil rights figures. A spokesman for the DNC gushed, "He's everything we want in a Kennedy."

Some of the world's leading scientists have gotten together to speculate how the world is going to end. Theories include global warming, killer asteroids and replicating Kardashians.

Just 49 percent of Americans said they had confidence in the federal government to handle international problems, according to a Gallup poll released Friday. The remaining 51% haven't read a newspaper since 1957.

Television marketers are using tactics similar to those used by Coca-Cola and Proctor & Gamble to get audiences to watch the new fall line-up. "Not only is it a fun way to promote our schedule," said a network executive, "but it's a hell of a lot easier than producing good shows."

The famed boardwalk in Seaside Park, New Jersey, was destroyed by a 10-alarm blaze. Investigators believe the inferno was caused by Gov. Christie's wienie roast.



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