Monday, September 23, 2013


Billionaire George Soros has married for the third time, in front of friends including World Bank president Jim Yong Kim and Toomas Hendrik Ilves, president of Estonia; Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, president of Liberia; and Edi Rama, prime minister of Albania, Paul Tudor Jones II and Rep. Nancy Pelosi. In lieu of gifts, Soros has requested that his guests continue to further the disparity between the rich and the working class.

A new book documents that New York's legendary Ray's Pizza was also a front for the Mob to push heroin. Police became suspicious when slices were sold by the kilo.

Fox News denied that Dennis Kucinich was representing the network during his interview with Syrian president Bashar al-Assad.  When pressed for a clarification, Fox News president Roger Ailes said, "Frankly, I thought he was the guy who swept up at night."

Senator Chuck Schumer endorsed Caroline Kennedy's nomination for Ambassador to Japan. Schumer told his colleagues at the hearing, "By having the name Kennedy, she is eminently qualified for a job that she is otherwise unqualified for."

Representatives for the Muscular Dystrophy Association announced that its most recent Labor Day telethon raised $54.1 million. A spokesman told reporters, "While we are absolutely no closer to finding a cure than we were 50 years ago, we have managed to reduce the length of the telethon by 22 hours."

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani made his case Thursday to the American people and the world for "a constructive approach" to contentious issues including his nation's nuclear program, arguing that failing to engage "leads to everyone's loss." Secretary of State John Kerry responded by promising "an unbelievably small attack" on Teheran.

Public figures reacted with outrage over the recent shooting at a Chicago basketball court that left 13 people wounded, including a three year-old boy. Republicans condemned the "culture of basketball" for creating the wave of violence. Democrats, led by Mayor Rahm Emmanuel, vowed to continue call for dialogue "until every child has been shot, if necessary." Rev. Jesse Jackson led a protest at the opening of a new Walmart.

Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced he and his wife would put up half of a billion-dollar push for cancer research. Knight said, "We couldn't have done this without the hard work of our overseas factory workers: their pride, dedication, but mostly their $6-a-day salary with unpaid overtime."

After hardline Islamists voiced opposition to the Miss World contest now being staged in Muslim-majority Indonesia, a rival World Muslimah beauty contest exclusively for Muslim women will announce its winner on Wednesday in the capital of Jakarta. Pageant officials say the winner will receive a crown, ermine cape and 50 lashes before being stoned to death.

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