RE-BRANDED

Fair and sticky.

There's nothing like a good slogan to sell a product. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Fox News? I mean, besides the female anchors who look like hookers. Fair and balanced. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. Just using those three magic words makes it so. Short and catchy; like Debrox for the frontal lobes, something that floats in your ear and floats around in there, cleaning out any other preconceived thoughts you might have had.

Of course, not all slogans are timeless. No one under the age of near-death remembers  "A Little Dab'll Do Ya" or "It Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking." And if you do remember them, it's time to open those mortuary offers that arrive in your mailbox every week.  

Nope, at some point the time comes to retire a catchphrase for something that reflects the changing times. The Financial Times lays it out for us this week:

For more than three decades, the slogan “Death to America” has been a feature of public life in Iran. In speeches and Friday prayers, audiences and worshippers have shown approval by repeating the phrase, sometimes including Israel and, formerly, the USSR, for good measure.

But President Hassan Rouhani’s new push for moderation at home and abroad – including a taboo-busting phone call on the nuclear crisis with President Barack Obama on the sidelines of the UN General Assembly – have prompted calls for the slogan to be dropped.

C'mon, Israel, they hated us first!

Whoa. Can anyone remember a time when "Death to America" wasn't part of the Iran's daily ritual along with public stonings, wife-beatings and Holocaust-denying? Roughly three generations of Iranians have lived with "Death to America" the same way we have Kit Kat's "Gimme a break." Entire factories are devoted to manufacturing banners with "Death to America" emblazoned on them. They're the first words Iranian children learn after "Dada" and "Mama is a second-class citizen, lower than a barren goat."  Don Draper would sell his last carton of Luckies for that kind of branding.

Fact: nobody enjoyed eating
before Coke was invented.

Now, you can't just drop a slogan without something waiting in the wings to replace it. Coca-Cola went from  "It's the real thing" to "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" without skipping a beat. On the other hand, two of its recent slogans, "Open Happiness" and "Twist the Cap to Refreshment," will never make it into the Advertising Hall of Fame. 

Those Mad Mullahs need to put some thought into it -- especially since they're going to have to change the way consumers think of the product while, at the same time, keeping the general feeling intact. You can't do a 180 overnight, especially since Iran's entire raison d'etre for almost 35 years had been blaming us for their near-antediluvian standard of living. It's all a matter of turning the temperature down a few degrees while still keeping the heat on. Something along the lines of the following:

AMERICA IS A PAIN IN THE NECK

U.S.A.? MORE LIKE P.U.S.A.!

POOPY ON AMERICA

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE RELIGIONS?

NO, OBAMA ISN'T A MUSLIM!

TED CRUZ? REALLY?

IF AMERICA WAS A CAR, IT'D BE A PINTO

WOMEN IN POLITICS? PUH-LEEZE!

GO AHEAD AND SHUT DOWN, SEE IF WE CARE!

AMERICA MAY NOT BE THE DEVIL, BUT WOULD YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY IT?

NOBODY REALLY WINS THOSE PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE CONTESTS!

HOME OF HONEY BOO-BOO. 'NUFF SAID


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