Wednesday, October 30, 2013


In a livelier-than-usual press briefing, White House spokesman Jay Carney addressed reporters' questions about President Obama's seeming detachment of the scandals currently swirling around the Oval Office.

Brad Lanes of the Associated Press asked, "How is it that the President can claim that he knew nothing about the IRS investigation of the Tea Party, the problems with the ACA website, the wiretapping of foreign leaders by the NSA, the Fast and Furious program, or why troops were never sent to protect our embassy in Benghazi until he heard about all of them on the news?"

Carney sneered, "You're blaming us for all your hard work giving us this information? That's rich."

Apparently unsatisfied with Carney's answer, Lanes asked for a clarification. With a weary sigh, Carney said, "Look, President Obama is the president. That's why he's called President Obama. He's got a lot on his plate. He can't be on top of everything that goes on here. How else would he get anything done? So simmer down, skippy."

Still pressing the issue, Lanes said, "But it appears that he isn't on top of anything right now."

"Let's go back to your original question," Carney replied, drumming his fingers on the podium. "IRS, NSA, ACA. Who the hell can be keep all these initials straight? And don't get me started on Benghazi. I bet your spell-check gets a workout on that one. So let's not kid ourselves, OK?" 

Carney then called upon NBC's Mindy Bunker, who asked, "My network just presented an investigative report detailing that President Obama knew that millions of Americans would lose their insurance coverage but went ahead and promised the opposite."

"When the president said that nobody would lose their coverage, he didn't mean their 'coverage'," Carney replied making air-quotes. "What he meant was their coverage. That is, you can still buy insurance. It's just that it's going to be different, not what you wanted and more expensive." When Bunker pointed out it could affect 40 to 67% of the population who don't have employee-provided insurance, Carney replied, "Well, 40% is less than half. And 67% is less than 100%. Sounds good to me."

In response to a Washington Post's reporter's question regarding the president's state of mind in regard to the current crop of problems, Carney said, "I would take issue with your use of the word 'problems.'"

"But the president ran on the platform of healing relationships that had been damaged by President Bush," the reporter pointed out. "And those relationships have been harmed by the wiretapping of our allies' cellphones."

Carney held out his hands, palms up like an out-of-balance scale. "War. Wiretapping. OK?" 

Wrapping up the briefing, Carney stated, "Look, at the end of the day, the president looks out his window of the Oval Office. And when there are weeds in the garden, he says to himself, 'I see flowers, I see flowers, I see flowers!' And you know something? It works. Try it sometime."


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