Wednesday, October 2, 2013


Hours after trying out for a spot on the “Family Feud” game show, a Joliet Central High School security guard shot his new wife to death early Monday and then turned the gun on himself, sources said. Survey says "Psycho."

New York's obesity rate among adults has skyrocketed 25 percent since 2002, city Health Department figures show. Mayor Mike Bloomberg responded by banning restaurants.

A speech code has been put in place in the Al Jazeera America workplace. A source said, "Swearing is not part of the Al Jazeera culture.” However, underwear bombs are still encouraged offsite.

A CNN poll shows that only 10 percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. Sen. Ted Cruz immediately started a filibuster to demand that CNN delay releasing its polls for another year.

British scientists have developed a plant that grows tomatoes and potatoes. Tasters said, "Let's call the whole thing off."

"Saturday Night Live" has created its own YouTube channel, but is available only overseas. American viewers flooded Lorne Michaels' answering machine with their sincerest thanks.

CNBC financial analyst Maria Bartiromo could be called as a witness in the nasty divorce of ex-Citigroup honcho Todd S. Thomson, who famously offered her a ride on his corporate private jet, sparking rumors of an affair. Bartiromo told reporters reporters, "It was strictly business. Thomson gave me his inside tip. His stock rose to incredible heights; I admit it was incredibly exciting. Once it finally settled back to its normal value, we pulled out. This was no pump and dump scheme. At least it better not be."   

Mia Farrow has admitted that her son, Ronan, might have been fathered by Frank Sinatra and not her then-paramour Woody Allen. "All the clues are there," said an inside source. "His blue eyes, charming smile and overwhelming urge to break people's legs."

In related news, YouTube will be hosting its own awards ceremonies. Categories include "Funniest Crotch Injury," "Least Audible Concert Performance Captured on iPhone," "Worst Cover Version of Top 40 Hit by Loser in His Bedroom" and "Fattest Family Vacation at Disney World." 


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