Tuesday, December 3, 2013


The results of the Program for International Student Assessment were released yesterday. Among the 34 countries participating, the United States ranked 26th in mathematics and 17th in reading, both down from the previous year.

When asked for a comment, Brad Lanes, spokesman for the United Federation of Teachers, told reporters, "No doubt, these scores are a disappointment for us all, and it's time for officials to stop passing the buck. Teachers across the U.S. have come to the same conclusion: students are just too damn stupid."

"I mean, look," Lanes added while chewing a jelly doughnut, "America spends more on education per student than any other country. We load them with hours of homework every night. They take all kinds of tests -- SATs, ACTs, every possible alphabetical combination. The teachers themselves have a great union that by and large protects them from nosy outsiders telling them how to do their job. And what happens? The kids still suck the big one. But somehow it's always the teacher's fault. Well, I think this should put that canard to rest once and for all."

Waving a coffee-stained graph in front of TV cameras, Lanes pointed out the worldwide statistics. "Have you seen the countries with smarter kids? Lithuania. What the hell is that all about? When was the last time you even heard of Lithuania? Or the -- what is it --  the Russian Federation. Russian Federation of what, for Christ's sakes? And the Slovak Republic -- that sounds like the name of some indie movie actor. And yet our kids are stupider than theirs. Now do you see what American teachers have to put up with?"

When asked if there was anything parents could do to help, Lanes nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Stop having children. Or at least stupid children. That's the only way teachers can do their jobs." 


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