Wednesday, February 19, 2014


Yesterday's release of Nadezhda Tolokonnikova and Maria Alekhina, two members Pussy Riot, from a Sochi prison was considered a blow for freedom by American news executives.

"At last, we feel free to say the name 'Pussy Riot' instead of 'a controversial Russian punk band'," said NBC News president Deborah Turness. "It was a little embarrassing to see Mika Brzezinski turn fifty shades of red while Joe Scarborough and those other pigs on Morning Joe taunted her for censoring herself. Now she can say 'Pussy Riot' with the best of them, so she can now concentrate on more important matters, like bragging about her daughter getting accepted to Temple University and telling viewers not to consume the foods and drinks she herself can't enjoy."

Jeff Zucker, president of CNN News, was equally pleased. "For the longest time, only Anderson Cooper dared to say 'Pussy Riot', but that's because he isn't really a journalist. But the others, like Wolf Blitzer and Kate Bolduan, tried to keep up to the CNN standards of never taking chances. Do you know how many times we had to spell 'Pussy' with asterisks in those news ticker headlines at the bottom of the screen? And it took three weeks for our people to figure out it had five letters, not four. Live and learn!"

Meanwhile Geraldo Rivera promised to cram "Pussy Riot" in every news item. "I'm 70 years old with a weekend talk show on Fox News," he shrugged. "What the hell else can I do to get attention? Keep running 40-year old undercover footage of the Willowbrook mental hospital? I'm gonna ride Pussy Riot into the sunset," he admitted, before throwing a fist of solidarity in the air and shouting, "Pussy Riot, Pussy Riot, Pussy Riot!" Rivera smiled proudly. "They say sunshine is the best disinfectant, but give me Pussy Riot every time."


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