BREAKING NEWS: RICH GETTING RICHER

Congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle welcomed news that, while America's middle-class was no longer the richest in the world, the rich were earning higher incomes than ever before.

"It's not the middle-class that creates jobs," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio), "it's the rich. They're the ones who hire accountants, lawyers, chauffeurs, gardeners -- that sort of thing. The middle-class work for a living. Now, the reason they aren't rich is because they're middle-class, and everybody knows the economy hasn't fully recovered, so naturally they aren't getting raises. That's why the rich need to continue to get rich so they can create jobs. And maybe some day, the middle-class can get another dollar or two in their paycheck. In the mean time, it's time for them to do a little belt-tightening and work three jobs. Hell, that should be easy enough -- nobody's working full-time anymore."

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) took a different view on the economic report, while still taking the news positively. "The rich are getting richer for a simple reason: my colleagues and I have made sure corporations like GE pay zero dollars in federal taxes thanks to loopholes that a Saturn rocket could fly through. And we do that so they can afford lobbyists to fly us to Cabo San Lucas during the winter. Now, somebody's got to make up for those lost taxes. I mean, can Joe Six-Pack afford to buy us first-class tickets and get us suites in five-star hotels? Let me think," he chuckled. "No, I don't think so."

Talking to reporters after a round of golf on the East Course at Andrews air base, President Barack Obama shrugged his shoulders. "Look, neither I nor my colleagues on the Hill --Democrat or Republican -- had the stomach to pass a simple background check on gun purchases after 20 children were killed at Sandy Hook. You think we're going to take on Wall Street or any of the one per-centers? Take a look at just a few of the Democrats that the Koch Brothers have contributed to over the years. Max Baucus, Dianne Feinstein, Chuck Schumer, my good friends Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton. Hey, even I took $5,500 from them when I was in the Senate. We're not going to stop that gravy train. Nope. Democrats and Republicans alike are going to continue to fool voters into thinking we give a damn about them while we keep getting checks from our masters. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got another Hawaiian vacation to plan."

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