Tuesday, May 13, 2014


Science has finally made the breakthrough the world has been waiting for. A cure for cancer or the common cold? Allowing paralyzed people to walk again? A vaccination for AIDS?

No, better than those, and then some. A device has been developed that makes men experience the pain of childbirth.  And not only that, it's been used on a television show in Denmark. You heard right: deliberately inflicting pain on men is now considered entertainment. Somehow, I bet the Code Pink crowd that loudly protested the "enhanced interrogation techniques" performed on suspected terrorists will cheer, applaud, and huzzah this brand of torture. Well, that's what you get for helping your wife get pregnant like she wanted to. Brother, you can't win.

Just to make things fair, I think there's a type of pain exclusive to men that women should experience, just so they know what it's like. This kind of conversation should sound familiar:

WIFE: What restaurant do you want to go, Cilantro or Cavatoppo?
HUSBAND: Oh, I don't care, it's up to you.
WIFE: No, really, which one?
HUSBAND: Honestly, it doesn't matter.
WIFE: Really, you decide.
HUSBAND: Alright. I'd like to go Cavatoppo.
WIFE: (pause) I'd rather go to Cilantro.
HUSBAND: So why did you ask me?
WIFE: I wanted your opinion.

This isn't exclusive to restaurants, by the way. Breakfast cereals, where the houseplant should go, what street you're going to bike on -- anything that requires a definite if ultimately negligible decision, ours is supposedly the deciding choice. Then, from out of nowhere, a missing ballot is discovered, completely negating our vote. 

Ladies, what is it with your bogus charitable feeling toward us? Do you feel selfish making such a simple decision? Let me give you a tip. Men are incredibly simple. Like 0 + 0 = 0 simple. Our demands are few, perhaps embarrassingly so. Cold beer, high-speed internet, cable TV -- we've hit the jackpot! When we say, "I don't care," we really, really, mean it. We. Don't. Care. You're not doing us any favors by making us feel we have a say in matters that don't involve a question any more complicated than "Pepperoni or mushrooms?" 

You might experience childbirth once, twice, maybe three times in your life. We go through the agony of this bait & switch for the entirety of the marriage. So if you're going to do it, at least provide us with an epidural first. That is, if that's what you wanted to do in the first place.


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