Tuesday, May 20, 2014


White House Press Secretary Jay Carney answered questions regarding the NSA recording every cell phone call made in the Bahamas, as reported by investigative journalist Glenn Greenwald.

"Look, there's a very simple explanation for this," Carney told Brad Lanes of the Washington Post. "Michelle and the girls were planning a vacation, and were thinking about going to the Atlantis Paradise Resort. You've seen the commercials, right? Water slides, the aquarium with the mermaid, swimming with dolphins. Looks really nice on TV, but how much of that is the real deal? We could have read the online reviews, but who knows how many of those were written by the hotel staff, right? So we thought, well, why not get it straight from the horse's mouth?"

When asked to clarify what he meant by "horse's mouth," Carney replied, "The people who work there. We figured they'd have the lowdown, and would talk freely among themselves."

"But," asked Lanes, "why did you feel it necessary to tap everybody's cell phones?"

"Becauuusssee," Carney sighed wearily, "we have no way of knowing which Bahamians worked there, so everyone was suspect. And while we were listening for reviews, we got some intel on somebody selling a few decks of ganja. There was no turning back from there." 

When asked if the White House could have simply asked the Atlantis for a list of its employees, Carney chortled, "Shows how much you know. We have no right to ask for that information. Now, I suppose we could have hacked into the Atlantis computer system, but that would have been illegal."

"And hacking into their cell phones isn't?" Lanes asked.

"Look, Brad, I'm not a lawyer," said Carney, becoming irritated. "If I were, I wouldn't be talking to you guys. And gals," he added hastily. "Don't get me mixed up with that Sulzberger guy in New York."

Before calling a halt to the questioning, Mindy Martin of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch wanted to know why the White House found about the recent Veterans Administration scandal through the press. " That reminds me," Carney said, "I gotta hand it to you; the press is doing a fantastic job digging up these problems. I don't know what we'd do without you. Keep up the good work. I wish we were half as good as you guys. And gals."


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