President Obama revealed yesterday that he was sending 300 advisers to Iraq to help push back the ISIS rebel forces. The announcement came after 1:30 PM EST, over an hour later than its original scheduled time. The Ol' Fish-Eye has learned exclusively that the reason for the delay was a disagreement about which speech Mr. Obama was to give. The original speech, as written by the president, is as follows:
Good afternoon. As you know by now, the situation in Iraq is grim and getting worse. But let me tell you something that you haven't heard: nobody can do a goddamn thing about it. These folks have been at each other's throats for at least 700 years, and have no interest in smoking the peace hookah now or in the future.
Let me tell you about this whole Sunni and Shia kerfuffle. After Mohammed died, one side wanted his son to take over Islam, while the other side preferred the son-in-law. In other words, it's all a family fight. Have you ever tried to settle a family fight? Forget it, they positively wallow in this shit. They thrive on hating each other, no matter what the outcome or who gets hurt. In fact, the only people they hate more than each other are outsiders who try to get them to hash things out peacefully. So I'm announcing today that we're pulling all our troops from the Mideast, and letting those sheiks of Araby kill each other, which is all they've wanted to do anyway.
Now you might remember everybody got all upset about a similar situation in the Sudan, with millions of innocent people slaughtered by rebels. But it's still going on, and nobody's lifting a finger to stop the killing. "Why?" you ask? It comes down to one word that rhymes with "boil." Get the picture? If those godforsaken Sudanese lived on land where Exxon could set up shop, we'd have been over there faster than you can say, "Fill 'er up." Why do you think Europe didn't say "boo" when Russia invaded Crimea? 'Cause Vladmir Putin is their number one gas jockey!
So here's what I'm proposing -- no, ordering. I'm going to take all that money we were going to flush down the Baghdad toilet and put it into research to make sure that we will never be energy-dependent on anyone else. That means Republicans will have to get used to the idea of wind farms dotting the fruited plain, and solar panels on all houses, apartment buildings -- hell, every structure that has at least four walls and a floor. And I know you don't like electric cars, but too bad. People didn't want to switch from horses to cars for a while, either -- and those were electric, too. And to all you swaggering conservatives who like to ride your "hogs," even Harley-Davidson is going to start manufacturing electric choppers. Not only are they clean, they're quiet, so they won't set off every car alarm in the neighborhood when you show everybody how tough you are. Even though you used every deferment in the book to dodge the serving in the military.
Now before you Democrats start feeling smug, well, you better wipe that stupid smirk off your faces. I'm giving the OK to that Keystone Pipeline you've been so afraid of the last five years. Yeah, I know you've made a lot of money -- excuse me, received a lot of political contributions -- from fighting it. But you're going to have to find another boogeyman to keep your job. And you might as well know now, it's not going to be fracking, either. I'm giving the all-clear on any company that wants to frack on whatever private land they want. As long as they offer fair compensation, they can frack 'til they're blue in the face. Because you and I both know, it's cooler to be photographed with Robert Redford than some dirty guy in the fields just trying to make enough money to support a family.
Before I go, I'd like to address my colleagues who have been giving me advice on every program from Morning Joe to the evening news. Democrats: you can make the case that this is all President Bush's fault, and you're right. But you know what? That was over a decade ago. You're getting to be as bad as the Sunnis here. Because nobody outside of Rachel Maddow cares anymore -- they just want us out. And Republicans: you've had two presidential elections to prove you were smarter than the average bear, and you lost. But, hey, you think you can do better right now? If I could, I'd be happy to give you the keys to the car. You have no idea the pressure that comes with this job. I mean, I know how I've aged the last six years. Every time my kids come home from school, they say, "Hi, Grandpa!" Sure it was funny the first 50 times, but it's getting a little tired.
And allow me a shout-out to two men in particular. First, Dick Cheney -- at least show the same class your old boss President Bush has and keep your mouth shut. And John McCain -- thank you for your service in that other military nightmare of Vietnam. But if you think you're so smart -- well, remember, you were the one who chose Sarah Palin as your running mate.
And to you talking heads on the news programs, who have zero idea on the kind of intel I get every morning, yet who insist on giving me your unwanted advice -- have you looked at the latest Gallup poll regarding the public's opinion of you? You're right up there with pedophiles and people who eat shit for a living. So just keep flapping your gums, see how far it gets you.
For those who are concerned that an ISIS-controlled Iraq means another terrorist strike on U.S. soil -- hey, terrorists had no problem hitting us when bin-Laden, Hussein and Gaddafi were running things. But I understand your fears. That's why I'm putting all Arab countries on notice. If there's another attack on America, I'm going to the situation room, where we've got a big map on the wall. I'm going to face the Mideast portion, close my eyes and throw a dart. Wherever it lands, we're going to drop the big one. That means you're responsible for keeping those guys in line for a change. We don't care what you do with them. Hell, our black-ops specialists can give you advice if you'd like. You can go all Kim Jong-Un, and feed 'em to the dogs for all I care. Just don't make us come back there, because I promise it will be the last time. In fact, I'm going to include Pakistan as well, because would anybody miss them if they suddenly went up in a mushroom cloud? I didn't think so.
Thank you, and God bless the United States. Now somebody get me a cigarette.