Sunday, September 28, 2014


Brad Lanes, the White House assistant Press Secretary, met with reporters in order to explain why the recent beheading of a woman in Oklahoma wasn't being classified as an act of terrorism, even though the suspect, Alton Alexander Nolen, aka Jah’Keem Yisrael, covered his Facebook page with pro-terrorist, anti-American photos and text.

"As you know, this terrible incident happened at a food distribution center," Lanes explained. "Therefore, we consider this an event of violence in the workplace. However, considering the shocking details, we would move this up a notch and make it an official 'extreme violence in the workplace event with yucky aftereffects.'"

Asked what the difference was between this beheading and those performed by the members of the Islamic State, Lanes replied, "This recent crime happened in Oklahoma during an otherwise normal working day. Plus, there was no video made of the incident, and, therefore, didn't terrorize people in the legal sense of the word."

"Those ISIL guys," he continued, "are a different matter. First of all, the executioner always speaks directly to President Obama in those videos, so that right there is a terrorist tip-off. Mr. Nolen said nothing about him during the beheading. And look how that ISIL guy dresses dress -- all in black, head to toe, in the middle of the desert. That's some scary stuff. Mr. Nolen, as far as I know, was in standard jeans and workshirt. Nothing terrorizing about that. And the executioner's muffled voice under the mask gives me the chills just thinking about it. I'm not sure Mr. Nolen said anything at the time of his actions."

"So, let's reiterate," Lanes said, counting on his fingers. "No video, no desert, no mention of the president, no scary clothes or voice. Ergo, no terrorism." Asked if the suspect's religious fanaticism played any role, Lanes shook his head. "Islamophobia has no place in 21st-century American society, and I would ask you to apologize for that question."


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