Monday, October 20, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: EXECUTION EDITION

Responding to a Reuters report stating that the number of government-sponsored beheadings in Saudi Arabia has dramatically increased recently, real estate developer Donald Trump took to his Facebook page in anger:

Once again, our president has allowed another country to surpass America. While we have put 30 prisoners to death since the beginning of the year, Saudi Arabia has executed at least 57. And 26 of them were in August alone! That a president allows any country to take the lead in any field is a travesty. But to lose to an Arab country is a disgrace.

As has been proven over and over again, the private sector is much better than the government at getting the job done. Therefore, I'm offering to execute all 3,070 inmates currently on death row in America before the end of the year via the new Trump Hot Seat Electric Chair®.  I will provide a chair to each of the 32 states currently with the death penalty, along with a Trump associate who has been trained in its use. By executing roughly 42 people a day, we'll be able to "clear the decks" before January 2015.

As you know, I don't put my name on just any product. With its black marble legs and brass seat, the Trump Hot Seat Electric Chair® is the greatest form of criminal death you will ever see. Anyone interested in viewing one in person can visit the lobby of the Trump Tower on Madison Avenue in New York where we have one on display. I promise you that once you see the Trump Hot Seat Electric Chair® for yourself, you will agree that punishment doesn't get any better than this!

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