BREAKING NEWS: LOCKHEED & NORTHROP EDITION

Bloomberg News is reporting that the biggest U.S. defense companies, including Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman, are trading at record prices as shareholders reap rewards from escalating military conflicts around the world.

While this news added to the belief that war profiteers are capitalizing on death, White House assistant spokesman Brad Lanes had a different point of view. "This is a perfect time to invest in the stock market, specifically in these particular companies. While much of the business community has seen volatility, defense contractors are a safe place to put your money. As President Obama and Senator [John] McCain have reminded us, the war on ISIL is expected to take years before we can declare victory. Some military experts have even predicted a 30-year war. That's 30 years of solid profit margins."

Pointing to investment graphs showing positive movement for Lockheed and Northrop, Lanes continued, "Look at this. I'd like to see Apple or Google equal these two. And as far as employment is concerned, the defense industry is the go-to place for qualified college graduates. Because once ISIL is defeated, the Pentagon guarantees another terrorist organization will take its place."

Lanes chuckled, "Hey, whoever heard of the Khorasian group until two weeks ago? I mean, I thought it was some philanthropic organization. You know, 'The McLaughlin Group is made possible by a grant from the Khorasian group.' So as long as there's a Middle East, job-seekers have nothing to worry about."

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