BREAKING NEWS: CHOKEHOLD EDITION

In the wake of the controversy surrounding the grand jury's decision not to indict a New York policeman in the chokehold death of Eric Garner, the jury foreman decided to explain the reasoning behind the verdict.

Brad Lanes told reporters, "That tape isn't what it seems. Mr. Garner wasn't saying, 'I can't breathe.' According to the transcript provided by [Staten Island District Attorney] Dan Donovan, what he's really saying is, 'I can breathe, I can breathe.' He was just letting the officer know that the chokehold was no problem, and to continue doing his duty. 

"Not only that," Mr. Lanes continued, "the D.A. made sure that we heard the testimony of 50 people, mostly cops and EMT people who weren't even there. That's actually a good thing when you're in this kind of a situation. You don't want to trust your own eyes and ears when dozens of complete strangers can put everything into perspective. Forget about Fox News: the D.A. is really fair and balanced!"

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