Thursday, April 23, 2015


"The main difference between the two products," said spokesman Brad Lanes, "is that our customers never get off the couch."

Bill Kretzschmar, who runs the Linguistic Atlas Project at the University of Georgia, has noticed that Hillary Clinton's accent changes depending on what area of the country she's speaking and who her listeners are.

Insiders concede that Ms. Clinton has an excellent grasp of the Wall Street accent.

Next month, HLN will air a documentary, produced by Kim Kardashian, about mental illness.

The interview subjects come from people who have had unprotected intercourse with Kim Kardashian, purchase her products, and follow her on Twitter.

Intelligence agencies said that Warren Weinstein, an American held by Al Qaeda since 2011, and Giovanni Lo Porto, an Italian held since 2012, were accidentally killed by American drones in January.

President Barack Obama apologized for the deaths, saying, "Next time, we'll do our best to kill Arab civilians."

People living on New York's Upper West Side are upset after a coyote was seen on Riverside Drive between 96th and 97th Streets this morning. 

Longtime resident John L.C. Sivoney told Eyewitness News, "If they can't put 20% down, we don't want 'em here."

In a New York Times op-ed, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says that he's holding firm on gay marriage.

"And when I say 'holding firm,' he added, "I'm talking real firm. I mean, the firmer, the better. Like baton firm. Ooh yeah, you know what I'm talking about."

Clinton Cash author Peter Schweizer on Thursday revealed his next target: Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush. Schweizer told Bloomberg Politics that he and a team of researchers are looking into Bush's financial dealings in the same way they scrutinized the Clintons.

Asked for a comment, former Governor Bush said, "I have nothing to hide. If Schweizer wants to get in touch with me, he has the Koch Brothers' address." 


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