BREAKING NEWS: BALTIMORE EDITION

As the citizens of Baltimore awakened after a day and night of violence, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings tried to explain why police remained in defense mode, and why it took so long for her to call for state help.

"We knew this was coming," Mayor Rawlings admitted. "I mean, it was all over social media. But this was part of our urban renewal plan. You can see for yourself that the violence happened in a part of town that, to be frank, isn't on any tourist guide. So we thought, well, what the heck. They want to burn it down, let 'em. Just like my predecessor, Martin O'Malley, all I care about is making sure the Orioles have a nice stadium to play in, and tourists can eat their crabcakes in peace. To reiterate what I said last Saturday, we gave those who wished to destroy space to do that. And I think they did a pretty good job."

"And speaking of the Orioles," she added, "they've got a 9/10 record so far this season. So I think it's a good idea we cancelled their games. If you think about it, we're doing them a favor. Of course, you in the media won't give us any credit for that."

Asked about the senior center that rioters torched, Mayor Rawlings commented, "That building wasn't even finished, so it's not like it's a complete tragedy. And as for the CVS that burned down -- look, CVS made an 18.20% gross profit last year. They can afford to build another drugstore somewhere else. The citizens of this particular neighborhood might have to walk further to find it, but, hey, walking's good! Maybe if they walked more often, they'd be healthier and wouldn't have to buy so much medicine. Again, it's called doing people a favor." 

"Bottom line," Mayor Rawlings continued, "we kept the violence contained to where it should be: poor neighborhoods that add nothing to the vibrancy and glamor of the city. My message to tourists with money to spend: Baltimore is open for business -- as long as you know what neighborhoods to keep out of. Just look for white people and you'll be fine. We'll make sure of that."

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