SORRY EXCUSES

No. Now lie down in front of
a speeding train.

We're taught it as children: Say you're sorry. The problem is, the apology often sounds insincere because it is. It's sometimes better when no apology is offered. For instance, when Hillary Clinton declaims that big money is corrupting politics just days after her campaign folks brag about their goal of running a billion-dollar campaign, no amount of "I'm sorry for my blatant hypocrisy" will wipe that slate clean.

Give Jeb Bush credit -- he offered no apologies for offering donors the chance to join his "national executive committee" if they each raised $500,000 by March 31. He likes the corrupting influence of money: I want all your dough, and all your friends' dough, too, because I can, that's why.

"I saved this dog by blocking the
vet's needle with my thigh, which,
by the way, took shrapnel in Iraq."

It's not just fat-cat politicians. It's also fat-cat news anchors.  Brian Williams' first apology was so bad a second and a third were required, to diminishing returns. According to a recent Vanity Fair piece, he even tried to explain away his numerous fabrications with the theory that they might have been brought about by a brain tumor. Just shut up and walk your dog, Brian. And by the way, you were getting $10-million a year -- can't you buy your wife pants that don't have holes?

No one said it was cheap being a cop.

The most recent egregious use of an apology was from Tulsa's pretend policeman Robert Bates, who responded to shooting a suspect with a gun instead of a Taser with a weak "I'm sorry." 

"I'm sorry"? That's what you say when drop a glass of milk or accidentally destroy your wife's rose bush with the mower. You shoot me and immediately say "I'm sorry," I'm not going to be in a particularly Christian frame of mind.

Like I said, there are times when an apology just doesn't cut it. Had Bates been just a little more honest, there were any number of statements he could have made after pulling the trigger:

• "Holy shit, what the fuck did I just do?"
• "Well, hell, what do you expect from a 73 year-old lawyer?"
• "Now this is why we shouldn't have body-cams."
• "He was gonna die eventually." 
• "You mean this thing was loaded?"
• "Damn, that's three cars and 25-grand down the toilet."
• "Well, son, that's what you get for dealing with someone who has no idea what he's doing."
• "I never was that good at telling my left from my right."
• "Weapons all look the same to me."
• "He was black, isn't that what we're supposed to do?"

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