WALKING THE CAGE OVER YOU

Shabani ponders who the next lucky
girl will be to peel his banana.

New York women are forever saying, "All the good men are taken." They think it's bad here, they should jet over to Japan. It appears that women are down to ogling an entirely different species:

A gorilla who grew up in an Australian zoo has become a heartthrob among women in Japan.  

Shabani the gorilla, who now lives in Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya, has attracted a large following of admirers who visit him because he is so 'handsome'.

In this P.C. world we live in, I know it's difficult for you to say out loud what you're thinking. So let the senior zookeeper, Allan Schmidt, say it for you: "The Japanese are crazy." Thank you, zookeeper Schmidt, thank you. It would help if you had a Japanese name, but you work over there, so that works 50% in your favor.

In Japan, this is considered
a love story.

I thought it was bad when I once met a woman who said her ideal man was "a combination of Michael Jackson and Superman." At least those two could be loosely considered men. Shabani, on the other hand, spent his childhood swinging in trees and throwing feces at his competition -- which now includes Japanese males. When Japanese mothers plead with their daughters to settle down with a nice boy, they're not kidding.

Japan is known for many wacky things -- the Ramen Noodle Museum, horse meat-flavored ice cream, leg pillows for lonely men -- but amour gorille takes the rice cake. Now instead of talking about the birds and the bees, parents are going to have uncomfortable conversations with their kids about the simians and the homo sapiens.

Shabani knows that women always go for the bad boy.

It's bad enough when I see Upper East Side women walking their chihuahuas in baby carriages. They might be idiots, but they're likely not delusional. Women who flirt with gorillas, though, are in a whole different category. Like a category entitled, "People Who Need to be Locked Up (But Not in a Zoo)." 

There are no winners here. As far as the women are concerned, their menfolk can't possibly meet the standards set by Shabani. As for the men, well, these dames are in love with a gorilla. Even Allan Schmidt himself admits, "I would say most people would consider him fairly dashing." I expect sales of those leg pillows for lonely men to increase dramatically.

                                                       *********************