BREAKING NEWS: 8/27/15

Upper East Siders are reported as being "shocked" at the work being done on the late Joan Rivers's apartment by new owner Prince Muhammad bin Fahd. Neighbors claim that the apartment is being torn to shreds, to the point of being unrecognizably hideous.

In response, Prince bin Fahd said that he was only paying tribute to Rivers' face.

Researchers have found that 20% of the ground beef sold in the U.S. contain samples of horse meat.

Coincidentally, those are better odds than what customers find at OTB.

A specially trained Labrador named Bear is being credited for sniffing out the flash-drive containing child pornography owned by former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle.

Bear's owner says that the dog was originally trained to sniff out artificial ingredients at Subway restaurants, but collapsed from overwork. 

James Holmes, the gunman who was found guilty of killing a dozen people in a Colorado movie theater three years ago, has received 12 life sentences plus an additional 3,318 years behind bars.

Upon hearing the sentence, Holmes asked his lawyers, "Can we rethink this no-death penalty thing?"

Liang Xiuzhen, 87, has finally consented to having a 5-inch "horn" removed from the top of her head. The odd growth first appeared two years ago.

When asked why it took so long to agree to the surgery, Xiuzhen said, "It made a great can opener."

                                                   


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