Friday, August 21, 2015


We've all seen representatives from the Black Lives Matter movement confront various presidential candidates in the last few weeks. It's a cute way to get on the news, but from my armchair it does nothing at all to advance the cause.  Cops are still shooting unarmed black men, probably even as we speak. 

And speaking of the presidential race, the corporate candidates are falling like logs in an Alaskan landslide, while the primary outsiders, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, are getting the biggest crowds. Trump, in fact, is leading the Republican pack. But do you think the people who run the two major parties are going to let those loose cannons come within a mile of even a White House tour? 

Oh, they'll let you think you have a say in how the country's run. But by the first Tuesday in November, you're going to have your choice of who the party elders and their masters want.

That's why I'm starting my own movement: Nothing Matters. 

Now, those who think I'm just being my usual misanthropic self, look into your heart. If you've spent any amount of time living a sentient life, you will admit this makes more sense than any other political movement of the past 50 years.

The majority of voters want economic equality but will never see it? Nothing matters. Middle-class getting screwed by the Man? Nothing matters. Protesters ignoring unarmed children getting shot by criminals? Nothing matters. Middle-East countries have a total of four million troops who can't take on 20,000 ISIS goons? Nothing matters. Bible-readin', God-fearin', right-wingin' Alabama is the home of the most Ashley Madison clients in America? 

No. Thing. Matters.

The deck is stacked, and the dealers win the pot every time. You, friends, are holding a royal flush of Jokers. Now go on another beer run and refill the salsa bowl, pronto. 

Hillary Clinton could admit passing secrets to Vladimir Putin while they were bathing in a gold-plated tub filled with vodka, and Howard Dean will still go on Morning Joe and reassure us that he sees no problem with it. Jeb Bush could hire the same nitwits who got us into Iraq -- and he already has! -- and his fans (whoever they may be) will still nod when he says, "I'm not my brother." Nothing matters.

Right now, as I write this, the Dow has dropped 300 points, and it isn't even lunchtime. That's on top of the 350 points it fell yesterday. Working people are going to lose big time by the time some guy with a shit-eating grin rings the closing bell at 4:00 this afternoon. 

Nothing matters.

Say it loud. Sing it like Mitch Miller was at the podium while you follow the bouncing ball. Shout it from the top of the nearest Legionnaires Disease-infected cooling tower. 

Nothing matters.

Feels good, doesn't it?

No movement is complete without a logo, and mine is right here. Soon, you'll be able to display it proudly on your t-shirt, baseball cap or coffee cup. Let the world know where you stand on the important issues of the day: nowhere, nohow, no way. Because... no use.

And if you think I'm going to disrupt the next political speech to get my message out... well, you haven't been paying attention.


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