Eddie Murphy received the Mark Twain Prize for humor at the Kennedy Center last night.
Kennedy Center spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters, "There's nobody more deserving of this prize. As with Mark Twain, no one is alive today who remembers when Eddie was funny."
Ted Richards of Britain is so enamored of parrots that not only has he tattooed images of their feathers on his face, he also underwent a six-hour operation to remove his ears in order to look more like them. Richards next plans to have his nose reshaped into a beak.
That should be the final operation he'll undergo, since doctors say he's already a birdbrain.
Sen. David Vitter, a Republican "family values" candidate currently running for Governor of Louisiana, has denied impregnating the prostitute he was sleeping with 15 years ago, and telling her to get an abortion.
"And by family values," Vitter added, "I mean the Kardashian family."
Residents of Nickelsdorf, Austria -- a stopover for Syrian migrants -- are complaining of an overflow of feces and garbage on their streets.
"Once again," said Mayor Bill de Blasio, "under my administration, New York has proven itself to be the most influential city in the world."
Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee agreed with talk-radio host Jan Mickelson that prisons are a "pagan invention," and that nonviolent criminals should instead be treated as slaves of the state.
"And while we're at it," Huckabee added, "why don't we skip that whole trial crap, and get back to lynching?"