Saturday, October 3, 2015


Investigators have found 13 firearms connected to Chris Harper Mercer, the man responsible for the mass shooting at an Oregon community college on Thursday, which killed nine people.

In response to demands for gun control, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters, "What with all the school shootings, there's clearly only one solution. And that is for all Americans to return to home schooling. No campus, no campus killer. I would also urge parents to buy guns for themselves. So just in case Junior or Buffy decides to go on a rampage in the living room, Mom can take 'em down with one shell right between the eyes."

White House press secretary Josh Earnest faced reporters who wanted to know how President Obama felt being regarded as "feckless" in response to Russian presidents Vladimir Putin's airstrikes in Syria.

"Look," said Earnest, "if anybody's going to kill innocent civilians in airstrikes, it's going to be us. Like on Friday, when we killed nine staffers at a Doctors Without Borders clinic in Kunduz. So, far from being feckless, I'd say we're totally fecked-up!"

Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) came under fire from fellow Republicans for implying that the Benghazi investigation was actually a politically-motivated hit job on Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

Defending himself, Kevin McCarthy claimed that Democratic undercover operatives were taking over the Republican-led house, as he screamed, "They're here already! You're next! You're next!"

Anthony Cappola, a Republican candidate for New Jersey State Assembly, dropped out of the race after a book he wrote surfaced that includes rants against Asians, gays, immigrants, breast-feeding moms and others.

Mike Hucakbee immediately sued Cappola for plagiarism. 

At a foreign policy forum in Washington, DC, Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee shocked many by defending the late Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez.

To no one's surprise, however, Chaffe also admitted he was actually Clem Kaddidlehopper.

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