Monday, November 9, 2015
BREAKING NEWS: CARSON & CHRIST EDITION
Over the weekend, several media outlets revealed that Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson has a painting of himself with Jesus Christ on a wall of his home.
Asked about the portrait, Dr. Carson told reporters, "Yes, as with being offered a scholarship to West Point, trying to kill my mother with a hammer, and sheltering white students during race riots, I remember this incident very well."
In his trademark gentle tone, Carson continued, "Jesus and I met up after a steam at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. We here hanging out in our plush robes -- Egyptian cotton, grown near Joseph's pyramid-shaped grain bins, I believe. It was here that Jesus put his arm around me and said, 'Ben, you should seriously consider running for president. America's idiots need a leader with absolutely no concrete ideas regarding any of the major issues of the day.' And, as you can see, he put out his hand to start raising money for my campaign. I consider Jesus my own super PAC!"
Pressed for more details of their meeting, Carson said, "Well, as you can tell from the painting, Jesus looks like Russell Brand, only a little less scruffy. Plus, he played a mean game of baccarat. Tipped the dealer really well, too. But the best part," Carson chuckled, "was how he saved money. Just ordered a round of bread and water for us, and the next thing you know, we're chowing down on roasted cod and Sauvignon Blanc!"
Asked if his story sounded a little far-fetched, Carson bristled, "Hey, like it says in autobiography, my psychology teacher at Yale named me the most honest student in his class." Reminded that the Wall Street Journal challenged his recollection of the incident, Carson replied, "Who you going to believe? A Wall Street insider, or somebody who chills with Jesus?"