Wednesday, April 20, 2016


Hillary Clinton triumphed resoundingly over Bernie Sanders in yesterday's New York primary. Clinton won the popular vote by 16%, while gaining 135 delegates to Sanders' 104.

In a statement to the press, Sanders' campaign manager, Jeff Weaver, bemoaned his candidate's loss as "further proof of a rigged system. Once again, the Clinton campaign has brought out more voters than we have. If we had more voters in the race leading up to New York, Bernie would have been the clear winner. 

"Therefore, I have just sent a letter to the DNC with four demands. First: that the party re-do the entire primary during the first two weeks of May, starting with the first debate. Bernie wants to say that he does care about those damn emails. I don't know how we messed that up, but I assure you we won't make that mistake again.

"Second: we want all the states to allow independents to participate in what would otherwise be closed primaries. People are sick and tired of the establishment writing things called 'rules' that have to be 'followed' in order to 'win.'

"Third: To further level the playing field, we are requesting that voter registration be abolished once and for all.  So-called 'registration' is nothing more than the establishment keeping track of 'who's who.' People wanna vote, let 'em vote! What do you care?

"And fourth: Lower the voting age to 12. Look at our rallies -- it's kids! Kids who don't have the right to vote for their candidate. To quote my 6th-grade nephew, 'What kind of shit is that?'

"We are confident that if our four demands are met, we will enter Philadelphia in July with a clear mandate from the voters. Otherwise, it will just be another victory for The Man. Or, in this case, The WoMan."

Meanwhile, Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook addressed reporters regarding the former Secretary of State's delegate numbers. "It's become clear that Bernie Sanders has no clear path to victory. Yet, time and again, he has refused our request to drop out of the race and endorse Secretary Clinton.

"We are left, then, with no choice but to ask that our supporters take Bernie Sanders out of the race -- permanently. How you do it is none of our concern, nor is the place or time of day. All we ask is that it happens as soon as possible, and with as little collateral damage as possible. We've taken enough flack for Libya. 

"Of course, we're going to need proof that the deed has been done. A photograph will not be enough. If you have what we're requesting -- and you know what I'm talking about -- please bring it in a leak-proof gallon-size Ziploc baggie to Clinton Campaign Headquarters Inc., 70 West 38th Street, New York, New York. That's not far from Penn Station, in case you have to come in from out of town.

"And while Hillary Clinton won't be able to thank you personally for your help, you will earn her sincere thanks, as well as a pair of souvenir 'Ready for Hillary' low-cut shoe liners.

"Then, with Sanders finally out of the way once and for all, America will finally have the president it deserves. For as long as she wants."


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