NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE SECESSION

Get a dictionary, moron.

According to a 2014 Reuters poll, almost one-quarter of American citizens would like their state to secede from the rest of the country. 

Of course, ever since the Civil War, secession has always been a dirty word. But if you discover that 53% of those people polled identify with the Tea Party, does it really seem like such a bad thing anymore?

Remember, these are the people who hunt squirrels with the kind of gun used in the Orlando massacre, mistrust science, and whose school textbooks refer to American slaves as "workers." 

So after much thoughtful deliberation, I’ve come up with a way to please citizens of all states who either want to stay or go. It would take years of planning and several billion dollars to get the job done. But considering just how utterly, perhaps permanently divided a nation we are, it would be worth it.

For a price.

Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the Republic of Tea, formerly known as Wisconsin.

I choose Wisconsin because of its small population and obvious political leanings. Current Wisconsinites who wish to remain American citizens will receive a one-time government stipend to help relocate to the state of their choice. All will be provided with free training for new employment; many will receive a guaranteed job. (More on that later.) 

However, anyone who wants to move to the Republic of Tea will have to pay a $5,000 flip tax to their state government. Using the figures in the poll, that would be 80,000,000 people contributing a total of 

$400,000,000,000 to paying for the project. That's so many zeroes, I have no idea what the hell number it is. (If anyone wants to double-check those numbers, please do, and get in touch if I'm wrong. I want people to take this seriously.)

The Republic of Tea’s laws, culture, and education will reflect whatever beliefs its founders deem fit. Slavery good, science bad, Bible as law book – go ahead, Tea citizens, knock yourselves out (please!). Remember, it’s your country to do with as you wish.

Everyone moving to the Republic of Tea will, of course, immediately forfeit their American citizenship, and will no longer be subject to our “illegal” federal taxes – the ones that paid for their former highways, public schools, Medicare, etc. And once moving there, Tea people must live in their adopted homeland for at least 20 years. You broke it, you bought it.

This law, however, would be null and void for people born there – you know, anchor 

babies – who believe that they don’t fit in. Examples would include LGBQT (and whatever letter is added in the future), budding scientists, freethinkers, non-evangelicals, atheists, people who enjoy sex for the sake of sex, etc. Upon reaching the age of consent, they would be allowed free passage to any of the remaining 49 states. How else to keep the Republic of Tea pure and godly?

The new I-94 in suburban Milwaukee.

Sounds like a win-win for everybody. Except for one downside: the citizens of Tea who have gotten used to the aforementioned highways, public schools, Medicare, etc., may soon realize that their tax-free country will offer a rather, um, simpler way of life. 

As a result, many Tea people may find themselves yearning to sneak back into the US to take jobs away from hardworking Americans. How dare they!

But not to worry. Remember “those guaranteed jobs for many” mentioned earlier? Every ex-Wisconsinite moving to one of the states bordering their former home will be immediately hired to help build a wall around the Republic of Tea. No way are we going to allow an invasion of those illegal aliens!

There’s your solution, secessionists. I’ve just made your Utopia a reality. Just don’t start acting all crazy and make us invade you. Because once we do, we’ll never leave. And you really don’t want to be part of the United States again, do you? 

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