BREAKING NEWS 9/6/16: HILLARY CLINTON EDITION

Hillary Clinton, 69, held a $25,000-a-ticket fundraiser in the Hamptons featuring Paul McCartney, 74, Jimmy Buffett, 69, and Jon Bon Jovi, 54.

A spokesman for Clinton said this was a good way to bring out the youth vote.

Malachi Love-Robinson, 19, has been charged with posing as a doctor, along with grand theft and writing bad checks.

Fortunately, Love-Robinson had enough time to provide Hillary Clinton's medical records before his arrest.

A roll of Nazi toilet paper that was given to Hitler's troops during the Second World War has been given a guide price of £100 when it's auctioned in Dublin, Ireland later this month.

Informed of the auction, Hillary Clinton said, "That's almost $200 to wipe your ass. I can get the same service from the press for free!"

Researchers have discovered that valuable murder evidence is being destroyed by squirrels gnawing on human bones.

In related news, historians have discovered that Hillary Clinton made a donation to replenish the squirrel population in Fort Marcy Park shortly before Vince Foster's death.

Election Justice USA, a national organization advancing election integrity, found that Bernie Sanders lost to Hillary Clinton in the primaries due to voting fraud.

Asked for a comment on their findings, a Clinton spokesman admitted, "It was easier than putting squirrels around the country, know what I mean?"

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