BREAKING NEWS: 12/14/16

Australian parenting expert Dr. Justin Coulson is urging that children should learn that Santa Claus isn't real by the age of five.

However, he added, it's perfectly OK to reassure them that vodka is what all mommies and daddies have for breakfast.

The Japanese city of Iruma has introduced a new way to keep track of senior citizens with dementia who are prone to wandering off: tagging their fingers and toes with scannable barcodes.

Family members object to the practice, telling authorities that they want these people to get lost.

Researchers at Leiden University in the Netherlands have discovered that chimps recognize buttocks as easily as they do faces.

A spokesman for the university said, "This puts chimpanzees on the same level as your average man."

In Russia, Tatyana Navka, the wife of Vladimir Putin’s top spokesman, has sparked international outrage over a Holocaust-inspired ice-skating routine in which she donned a death-camp uniform and mimed shooting her partner for a cheering audience.

In response, judges awarded first prize to the routine titled, "The Destruction of Aleppo."



In other anti-Semitic news, the London cafe Nin Com Soup recently was forced to stop selling an almond milk-based smoothie called "Nutzy", which featured a swastika on the label.

Cafe manager Chester Hooten apologized for the drink, adding, "It was never our intention to offend our customers. In fact, our motto is 'Smoothies Set You Free.'"

President-Elect Donald Trump has decided to name former Texas Governor Rick Perry as Secretary of Energy.

After leaving Trump Tower, Perry told reporters, "I'm proud that I will be serving... serving... uh, who is that president I'm working for?"

 

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