Tuesday, January 31, 2017


Last Saturday marked the first day of Chinese New Year. That's always a big deal here in New York, as it's marked by the usual traditions of parades, fireworks, and the rounding up of dissidents. 

You're probably at least vaguely familiar with the tradition of animals representing certain years in the Chinese calendar. These animals are supposed to symbolize your personality. I was born in the year of the monkey, which, if you know me, is frighteningly on target.

This can't be Trump, because he pays
Russian hookers to do this to each other.
Donald Trump was born in 1946, making him a Fire Dog. This is not to be confused with Sparky the Fire Dog, the official mascot of fire departments and pyromaniacs everywhere. As one site devoted to Chinese astrology explains:

Putting aside his previous toe-in-the-water announcements to maybe, possibly run for president in 2008 and 2012, Trump certainly can't be accused of backing away from a situation, even when he should, which is almost always. And the only personal trait he has less of than circumspection is the ability to know a bad hair style when he sees it.

The site goes on to say that the Fire Dog is "impulsive in nature", making him "prone to taking risks." You don't say! "Such is their capacity for hard work that they can often make good whatever losses they might suffer." Otherwise known as bankruptcy. "Since the Dog is so idealistic him/herself, he/she expects others to follow the same code of ethics." Just imagine -- an entire administration with the ethics of Donald Trump. 

Remember when they had a
similar headline about Calvin

It probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that Bill Clinton was also born in 1946. And you thought he was just a Horn Dog!

Now let's go to the other side of the barnyard. 2017 is the Year of the Rooster. If you want to know what that means, my wife's copy of The Handbook of Chinese Horoscopes will set you straight. In the book's very first sentence we learn that "the Rooster tends to be overconfident and is prone to come up with nonsensical plans." Hey, that didn't take long to learn!  

It goes on to say, "The rooster likes to flaunt his authority and a lot of trouble can come from his domineering attitude. [...] Everything will be precariously balanced in the Rooster's year, as his dramatic personality can set off all kinds of petty disputes." That's just what I want in a president in these perilous times.

Pathe News would've felt right at home
in 2017.
Need more proof that this astrological stuff isn't just a bunch of hooey? "Politics will adhere to hard-line policies. The diplomatic scene will be dominated by philosophical orators who rave a lot about nothing." Just turn on the news any time of day or night. 

Don't give up hope quite yet, though. "Governments will be found flexing their muscles at each other, but just for show. There will be no real confrontations. It is just that everyone will be too occupied with himself to hear or care what the other person is saying."  Ahh! Just like the good ol' days of the Cold War! 

There's actually good news ahead. "This will be a buoyant year in spite of the Rooster's knack for making simple things complicated." Actually, Trump was elected for doing the opposite, but never mind. "One thing is for sure: he seldom comes up empty-handed. This is the year of one very self-sufficient bird that will never go hungry." How's your IRA looking since Election Day? Not bad, eh?

The Handbook's prediction of the year winds up thusly: "We should all get by without too much hardship. Our pockets will not be empty although our nerves may be a bit frayed." It's better than the opposite. "Just keep your eyes open and your mouth shut and check facts and figures before making unprecedented moves." Tell that to Steve Bannon.


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