Tuesday, May 30, 2017


I look the same way at 3:00 a.m.
In the continuing story of the longest freefall outside of Felix Baumgartner stepping from an aircraft 26 miles in space, Tiger Woods celebrated Memorial Day by getting arrested for a DUI at three in the morning. 

Woods has since used the official "unexpected reactions to prescribed medications"® excuse beloved by celebrities everywhere.

Judging by his mugshot and refusal to take a breath test, we can assume that his behavior was caused by his medications reacting with a bottle of Grey Goose.

Much has been made about how the former golfing great has seen his stellar career go the way of Beta videotapes, UHF, and Reese's Peanut Butter & Banana Crème Cups. (Sports Illustrated provides a handy timeline here.) As the legend goes, Woods' troubles were caused by sex addiction. 

Or we can just blame the dog.
An addiction, specifically, to trashy cocktail waitresses, porn stars, failed models, and at least one hooker -- all while married to the beautiful, classy Elin Nordegren, with whom he had two cute kids. Hey, if you're eating prime rib all the time, sometimes you just want some day-old Spam.

But wait. One of the major side effects of any addiction is a severe interference with work. Well, that and having a whole lot of fun.

Woods was carrying on with his chintzy chatelaines while he was the number one golfer in the world, and on his way to being the greatest in the history of the sport. Does this sound like he was "suffering" from addiction?

This should have been
 Tiger Woods' theme song.
Not to me, bub. Seems like he knew exactly how to claw his way to the top of the streak. (That's the word for a group of tigers, in case you were wondering.) Unlike a real addict, Woods was doing fabulously at work during his "sickness". It was only after his "cure" that his professional life went to hell.

I bet when Elin tried to brain him with a golf club that fateful night in November 2009, she had no idea that the Tiger Woods Gravy Train Express would be permanently derailed. Because ever since rehab, it's been nothing but losing, pulling out of tournaments, back surgeries and bum Achilles tendons for the now defanged Tiger. Perhaps it's time to start trolling those trailer parks for a little inspiration.


(UPDATE: Since writing this piece, Florida police report there was no alcohol in Tiger Woods' system at the time of his arrest. Instead, he had ingested several different drugs before going for a joyride at three in the morning. But since they were prescription meds, this makes everything OK. My apologies for assuming Woods has an addiction problem.)

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