Wednesday, May 3, 2017


Like the song says, love is strange. We've all read about otherwise intelligent people like lawyers falling in love with their criminal clients, or teachers with their 13 year-old students. Woody Allen's famous "The heart wants what it wants" riposte justifying his affair with his girlfriend's adopted teenage daughter appears to come into play here.

But shouldn't an equally important organ -- you know, the brain -- have a say? Especially if you work for a U.S. intelligence agency:

Jeepers. I know there's some truth about girls who fall for the bad boys. But there's a
Denis Cuspert. Women love men who are good with kids...
mighty big difference between riding a Harley to school, and throwing gays off rooftops and beheading everyone else.

So what was it about this particular fellow that won the heart of a Clemson graduate who, theoretically at least, was paid to help protect us from said terrorist?

It could be as simple as his name. Unlike other ISIS members with unpronounceable names featuring a turban full of consonants, this guy was called Denis Cuspert.

...And  work well with others...
You'd trust him, right? Could be a baseball player -- "Denis Cuspert hits a line drive toward third." Or guest on a talk show: "Please give a warm welcome to Denis Cuspert!" Or even a local TV newsman: "Reporting from City Hall, this is Denis Cuspert, WCBS News."

Cuspert was also a man of the world, being born in Germany, where he performed under the nom de rap Deso Dogg. His first album, Gast ist Konig, featured such finger-snappers as "Wir Roll'n Durch Die Hood", "Wir Bomben Eure Szene", and "Nazi Tot 3". Such is his talent is that you really don't need a translator to understand what these songs are about.

But Cuspert, like many artists before him, must have decided he wasn't appreciated in his
...And behead infidels without flinching.
homeland. He eventually decamped to the welcoming arms of Syria, where reinvented himself as Abu Talha al-Almani.

Hey, nothing unusual about that! Lots of entertainers localize their names when they move to another country. Mexican-born Antonio Rodolfo Quinn Oaxaca decided to Hollywoodize his name to Anthony Quinn. You got a problem with that?

An excellent multitasker, Cuspert was able to continue his music career after joining ISIS, making a video praising Osama bin-Laden and threatening to kill Barack Obama. As you can see by his photos, accusations of racism won't fly in this case, so don't even go there.

Just as blurry as her brain.
Which brings up what might be the number one reason for this madcap affair: the "forbidden love" angle. You know what I'm talking about -- what the Germans refer to as "Dschungelfieber". Like Cuspert's song titles, you barely need a translator to figure out what it means, even if the only available photos of blushing bride Daniela Greene blur her face.

You might think that even as an FBI agent, Greene was so desperate to get married that she settled on the first terrorist to give her a tumble. Too bad she was already married, making her a bigamist and an idiot.

But not so much of an idiot that, according to CNN, "within weeks of marrying Cuspert, Greene, 38, seemed to realize she had made a terrible mistake." 

It took weeks to decide that marrying a member of ISIS wasn't a good idea? It kind of puts to lie at least two-thirds of her lawyer's description of Greene as "smart, articulate and obviously naive."  As a translator, Greene likely has a good command of more than one language. But smart? Only in the aforementioned translator category. And "naive" is what you call a person who thinks Avocado With Mint and Sour Cream-flavored ice cream is a good idea.

Maybe Agent Greene realized her lover wasn't all he was cracked up to be when, according to a report from the Middle East Media Research Institute, he was seen in a field of dead bodies beating a corpse with a sandal.

Beating a corpse with a sandal? Ooh, what a big strong hunk of man!

Whatever the reason for becoming a runaway bride, Daniela Greene somehow escaped Syria, returning to the US to face the music. Unlike the rap songs by her second -- or, rather, simultaneous -- husband, this music was closer in spirit to "Folsom Prison Blues."

Yet thanks to cooperating with her employer, Greene was given a relatively light two-year sentence. What you've always heard is true: government workers have it made.

Well, not so much. The FBI didn't hold Greene's cubicle for her 'til she got back. Instead, according to CNN, she's working as a hostess in a hotel lounge in an undisclosed location. The whereabouts of her American husband -- if they are still married -- are unknown. But you can bet he's thankful to have dodged a bullet (or, more likely, a sword to the neck).

As for the FBI, they might want to brush up on their psychological tests for prospective employees, starting with True or false: Marrying an ISIS member is a bad idea.


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