NO SEX IS GREAT SEX

Actually, it defied simple logic.

In the classic novel-turned-play-turned-opera-turned-movie Peter Ibbetson, the title character and his childhood sweetheart are separated due to circumstances beyond their control, yet visit each other in their dreams to continue their love affair until death.

A bittersweet concept, is it not? One that appeals to dreamy-eyed teenage girls, women tired of the Neanderthals they've been married to for 25 years, and saps like me who entertain the ridiculous notion that the supernatural is better than the real thing.

Wait, did I say "supernatural"? As in, "Impossible, I tell you!"? Well, it appears that I'm all washed-up as far as what we're supposedly capable of. And all it takes is a little training in astral projection. Gentlemen, start your cosmic engines!

Wikipedia describes astral projection as a willful out-of-body experience (OBE), a supposed form of telepathy, that assumes the existence of a soul or consciousness called an "astral body" that is separate from the physical body and capable of travelling outside of it throughout the universe. 

I predict a major jolt awake any second.

Ever have the feeling, when falling asleep, that you're drifting away, only to be jolted awake? I mean, other than when your spouse is snoring or elbows you for snoring.

Well, guess what. You've been having astral projection without realizing it. That's why the call it "falling asleep", because it often feels like you're falling, get it? Actually, that's not the real reason, but it's something I thought of first.

But now it's possible to take it one step further by having astral sex: sex without physical contact.

I hesitate to take sex advice from someone looks like
the lead character of  Better Call Saul.

Great! This is just what every guy has been dreading -- yet another way (i.e., excuse) for a woman to make no sex sound great. And we have a man to thank for it: Steve G. Jones, whose career as a $25,000-per-session hypnotherapist has apparently convinced people that no-sex sex is a good thing.

As related by the New York Post, The astral sex guru believes that when two people are having out-of-body sex, the couple isn’t actually having a physically intimate moment.

"OK, what if we meet up near Jupiter, would that
be better for you?"

In other words, your souls, rather than the usual suspects, are penetrated, allowing for couples to experience "a deeper connection." 

Ask your average guy if "a deeper connection" is what they're looking for in sex. Most likely, they'll answer something like, "I've got your deeper connection right here, heh heh!"

Attract everything but sex.

As Jones explains, the welcome side effects are “no procreation, no STDs and no pregnancy.” This must be the first paranormal activity that lines up with the GOP platform: No sex, no birth control, no fun.

It may or may not be a coincidence that nowhere on Steve G. Jones' website or Wikipedia entry is there any mention of a significant other, leading me to believe that he wants everybody else to know what celibacy is like. There's gotta be better ways than putting that 25-thou per hour session money to good use. And I mean here on earth.

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