THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF RAQQA

Several weeks ago, I wrote about Daniela Greene, the FBI translator who married rapper-turned-terrorist Abu Talha al-Almani -- conveniently forgetting she was already married to a law-abiding man in the U.S. They moved to Syria to live violently ever after. Or at least for a few weeks, which is how long it took her to decide she had made the biggest marital mistake since Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. 

Before and after: Like many women in showbiz, Sally
Jones acquired a personal stylist.

Just to prove that America isn't the only country to produce women with odd tastes in men, meet British-born Sally Jones, a former member of the punk rock band Krunch, who, in 2013, fell burqa over heels for ISIS soldier Junaid Hussain.

You can already figure out what was going through her mind: What's the most punk rock thing I can do? I know -- join ISIS! Before you could say "Is this camel express or local?", Jones had changed her name to Umma Hussain (not to be confused with Uma Thurman, who has equally questionable tastes in husbands).

Soon, Junaid & Umma had become the Sonny & Cher of Syria, dubbed "Mr. & Mrs. Terror" by friends and foe alike. But instead of cutting records, they were out to cut some throats. 

Soon after moving to Raqqa -- even the name sounds, well, rock -- media savvy Umma made sure her fans could follow her by setting up a Twitter page. “My husband is away at training camp at the moment refreshing his ‘kaafir [infidel] killing skills’, went one early Tweet. "Don’t cry though he’ll be back soon :)” Not only does this fulfill the ideal of a hardworking husband, it also proves that ISIS is no stranger to emojis.

But like any artist worth her salt, Umma wasn't afraid to challenge her audience: “You Christians all need beheading with a nice blunt knife and stuck on the railings at raqqa..... Come here and I will do it for you.” And you thought Sid was Vicious.

Actually, it does look like he
wants to.

Yet Umma still had a maternal aide, having brought her then-10 year-old son Jojo with her to Syria. Unlike many kids who have a hard time adapting to a stepfather, Jojo joined the family business (whether he wanted to or not), living under the name Hamza, and executing heathens on his home turf.

Some guys go through their whole lives not knowing what they want to do -- and here's a kid, not yet 13, who already has his career laid out in front of him! Again, whether he wants it or not.

Good thing, too. Stepdad Junaid was killed in a drone strike in 2015, making Junior the terrorist of the house. Stoic that she is, Umma wrote, “I’m proud my husband was killed by the biggest enemy of Allah, may Allah be pleased with him, and I will never love anyone but him.” The blow was softened, too, by a monthly £520 stipend, with an occasional bonus for being a martyr's widow. Nice to know some businesses still have pension plans.

Rather than carrying on her late husband's foul deeds as planned, however, Umma quickly

Sally Jones aka Umma Husain:
the new Singing Nun.

became stuck between Raqqa and a hard place, having been demoted by the ISIS board of directors to the girls dorm, where prospective brides await the honor of being  "military wives".

Unfortunately, two years later she remains single. At 49, you see, Umma Hussain is considered too old to be marriage material. She didn't have to leave the West to discover that.

Now, according to one of her sister military wives, Umma wants to return home and put all this nonsense behind her. Talk about naïve! Does the new Axis Sally really think British authorities will let her dig out her old leather miniskirt, strap on the electric guitar, and go on a reunion tour with Krunch without, er, some Western-style penance?

Probably not. Like Daniela Greene, Sally/Umma undoubtedly realizes she's made her dirt-covered floor, and  has to lie in it. She now spends her days crying in the dorm.

Crying? Crying?! There's no crying in terrorism!

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