AFTERLIFE/AFTERLOVE

I remember sitting in my 10th grade science class one day, waiting for the teacher to arrive, and watching the girls walk past the open door. Two guys sitting in front of me were doing likewise, utterly entranced by the sight. One of them sighed, "What do they see in us?"

These days, many women are probably asking themselves the same thing. In fact, some now prefer to see through guys instead. Literally.

Well, heck, who wouldn't?

Women such as Amethyst Realm, for instance. With a name like that, it won't surprise you to learn that she lists her occupation as "spiritual guidance counselor." (If she was anything like the guidance counselors we had in high school, I advise you to save your money and avoid her.) She broke up with her long-time fiance three years ago after having decade-long affairs with ghosts.  Twenty ghosts, by her count. Somewhere in the afterlife, there's a bathroom wall with the scrawled message, FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL AMETHYST, followed by her number.

I've got her number, alright. This dame is some kind of a nut! 

Or, according to psychotherapist Tina Radziszewicz, maybe Amethyst just needs a good nap:

“Such hallucinations [between the transition between wakefulness and sleep] can be extremely vivid and bizarre, and can include tactile, visual and auditory.Stress, anxiety, depression and trauma can make people more prone to this form of hallucination.”

Too bad Bing never met Amethyst

See, what did I tell you? Some kind of a nut! But a very satisfied nut, if Amethyst is to be believed:“It started as an energy, then became physical. There was pressure on my thighs and breath on my neck. I just always felt safe. I had sex with the ghost. You can feel it. It’s difficult to explain. There was a weight and a weightlessness, a physical breath and stroking, and the energy as well.” It's a sad day when I need to take sex advice from a dead person.

Sorry, pal, you're gonna have to wait another
40 years.

Amethyst is lucky to be living in the 21st-century. If you're familiar with classic movies, you'd remember that the ghost and Mrs. Muir couldn't get it on until after she died. Either cultural rules, even in the spiritual world, have loosened since 1947, or the censors didn't allow a combination of pre-marital, post-life sex. 

And Amethyst isn't the only woman who's getting it on with ghosts. After breaking up with her boyfriend, Sian Johnson had dreams about a hottie who eventually materialized in the flesh -- er, ectoplasm:

“During the lovemaking, I sensed all kinds of things about him – his name was Robert and he lived over 100 years ago. His body was soft and light. Even when he moved on top of me, pressing down, he felt almost weightless. It was very strange, but the sex was amazing!”

C'mon, Sian, wise up! That whole "Call me Robert, I've been dead a century" routine is so corny. 

Right after this photo was taken, the fellow in
the middle did a Kevin Spacey move right down to
their crotches.

However. If these accounts of spirituum sexus are to be believed, you've gotta feel bad not only for Amethyst Realm's ex-fiancé, but any guy unlucky enough to put the moves on Sian Johnson. How would you feel if you couldn't measure up (no pun intended) to a guy who hasn't walked the earth since Woodrow Wilson was president?

Not that prurient poltergeists are entirely different from men alive and breathing. Amethyst, now 27, had her first sexual encounter with a ghost in 2005 -- which would have made her 15 years old at the time.

So, ladies, don't get started getting all hot and bothered about a possible rendezvous with a sexy visitor from the Great Beyond. He's just as capable of being a scumbag as the guy at the end of the bar. Thank God.


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