FOR THE LOVE OF BULB

Once in a while you read a news story about a young woman marrying an old codger. It's

Feeling up your fiancé for the camera -- have you no shame?

never because of the money, of course; it's always about love. A love of money. 

But then there's a 33 year-old Brit named Amanda Liberty. Her fiancé is 90 years old, yet is neither rich, famous, nor powerful. At least not much more than 30 watts-powerful. Amanda, you see, is engaged to a chandelier. 


And if that's not enough to raise alarms for supporters of "traditional" marriage, Amanda is already referring to the lighting fixture -- nicknamed Lumiere -- as her wife, making this, as far as I know, the first lesbian household fixture marriage on record. Great, another politically-correct category we have to memorize: L.G.B.T.Q.G.E.

But just to conform to the stereotypes conservatives have about gay marriages, Amanda is still going to sleep with Jewel, one of her other chandeliers.

Sleeping with a fixture other than your wife  --
what will the children think?

No judging, people! For as Amanda says, "None of my chandeliers are jealous of each other, they understand that I love them all for their different personalities." Ahh, if only all women were so understanding!

One could come up with plenty of reasons for wanting to marry a chandelier. You turn her on. She lights up your life. There's a certain electricity in your relationship. 

No matter what you choose, it all comes down to Amanda being an Objectum Sexual -- a person sexually attracted to inanimate objects. Which would explain all of Hugh Hefner's latter-day girlfriends. 

Amanda's first love was a drum kit when she was 14 -- about the same age Ringo Starr fell in love with his first set of drums, so let's not look askance at her. However, her first major romance was with the Statue of Liberty, from whence she got her name. (Was this her secret first marriage?) As Amanda says, "People often can't understand that this is just a natural orientation for me."

My almost-first wife. Or is it "wives"?

Untrue! People can never understand getting hot and bothered by a chandelier, unless the bulbs are too bright. But even at their dimmest, they couldn't be any dimmer than Amanda.

So in this day and age, when simply living together is more accepted than ever, why is Amanda going through the rigmarole of a wedding ceremony? "I want others to see how happy the chandeliers make me, and how much they've enriched my life."

Look, Amanda, I know how you feel. That's why I used to put my old movie posters on a wall. Otherwise, I'd have had to divorce Chained for Life before getting married to my current wife.

Still, I suppose that compared to the madness we see on the news every day, wanting to marry a chandelier rates pretty low on our list of concerns. In fact, it's more welcome than most everything else. I mean, wouldn't you feel better knowing that, as a 30 year-old, Judge Roy Moore was fondling 14 year-old flashlights?

Well, not if you're from Alabama. Then it would be sick.


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