THAT DOESN'T SETTLE IT

However, if they still sold this, I'd buy it
just to see the reaction from my

coulrophobic daughter
when she visits from college.

We don't eat mainstream cereal here at Casa del Fisheye. Our tastes tend toward more esoteric brands, whose names I couldn't remember under the threat of death. I just look for the image on the box -- That's the one I like, the one with the bowl of oat squares with the sunshine streaming through the trees behind it. I'm a marketer's dream.

The problem is, our local grocery stores have conspired not to carry the same brands, so if I'm hankering for a particular cereal, I have to make a special trip some place out of the way. And by out of the way, I mean 10 or 15 minutes rather than 5.

This isn't a problem during nice weather, but on a day like today -- snow, ice, rain -- I wind up having to go to the closest store, which, of course, sells the least interesting choices.

What they do carry, however, are Kashi cereals. I've tried many of them, and by and large they are, for lack of a better word, terrible. If you ever wanted to know what shredded Styrofoam tasted like, then Kashi is the way to go.

The only exceptions are their Autumn Wheat and Cinnamon Harvest, which are both tasty and possessing a fine crunch that holds up in milk. Throw in strawberries, blueberries and bananas, and you've got a breakfast that fills the tank for the entire morning without that annoying "cereal bloat", which they should advertise as such.

Hay is for horses -- and gullible
consumers like me.

The one problem I have with these Kashi products is that there's never an entire boxful. By the time you get to what should be the last couple of bowls, what's left is something more appropriate for horses. And since we haven't any equine pets lurking in our corners, it goes straight into the compost bag, i.e., freezer swill. 

The Kashi detritus on the left may not impress you as a rip-off. And compared to other times this has happened, this particular one was kind of on the modest side. But when you take into account that the bag isn't entirely full when you buy it, it becomes clear -- with the aid of a professional-grade ruler -- that about one-third of each Kashi cereal box is fit only for the barnyard.

When I buy three, then, I'm really getting less than two. Puts things to perspective, does it not?

Imagine buying a box of 10 pairs of Kirkland socks at Costco, and, upon opening it at home, finding only seven. One-third of a can of Three Diamond tuna made up of gills and fins. Or, going the opposite way, discovering the bottom 30% of your can of Yuban is nothing but whole coffee beans. Reddit would be filled with death threats against the offending companies.

But cereal? We've become immune to this blatant cheating because of the legendary warning, Contents may settle during handling. Did I say "warning"? Make that "cheap excuse".

OK, so cereal isn't immune to the forces of nature. But even broken bits found at the bottom of a bag of tortilla chips can be glued together with melted shredded cheese and salsa on top. Good luck trying something like that with cereal dust and milk.

The tradition of
boring people to tears.

Oh, I suppose it's possible stick them together atop your French toast with syrup, or even glue them on a sponge to clean your bathtub. All you'd in get in return for your cleverness is undeserved bragging rights and a year's free subscription to Recycling Today.

It appears, then, short of buying those cereal squares with the sun shining through the trees in bulk, the occasional box of Kashi dust is in my future. If any of you non-New Yorkers own a horse, get in touch. I've got just the stuff for the feedbag. They like cinnamon, right?

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