12 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE READY TO THROW YOUR LAPTOP OUT THE WINDOW

They even drive themselves to drink at 10 in the morning.

Many years ago, a former employee of NBC News told me that their number one job was to scare the audience. This undoubtedly explains the fourth hour of Today hosted by Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. Just Hoda Kotb's name makes me afraid I've come down with an extreme case of dyslexia.

The rise of the internet has multiplied the scare factor by the nthfold, and I'm not just talking about the usual whackos. While scrolling down Microsoft's relatively respectable" health news" page on msn.com, I found the following headlines:

16 THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY WHEN YOU EAT PEANUT BUTTER
16 SILENT SIGNS OF LEUKEMIA YOU MIGHT BE MISSING
THIS ONE SURPRISING HABIT COULD PUT YOUR BRAIN AT RISK OF DEMENTIA
9 SIGNS YOUR LIVER IS IN BIG TROUBLE
TOP 10 CAUSES OF DEATHS IN MEN -- AND HOW TO AVOID THEM
10 THINGS YOUR DOCTOR WISH YOU KNEW ABOUT GANGLION CYSTS
5 SCARY THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY ON THE KETO DIET
THIS EATING HABIT INCREASES YOUR STROKE RISK LIKE CRAZY
9 SNEAKY SIGNS YOUR THYROID IS OUT OF WHACK
7 SILENT SIGNS YOUR LUNGS COULD BE IN TROUBLE
SIX UNUSUAL SIGNS THAT MAY INDICATE HEART DISEASE
IF HE HAS THESE 9 TRAITS, TREAD LIGHTLY -- HE MIGHT BE A PSYCOPATH

There were plenty more warnings, habits, sneaky signs, and scary things to learn, but by this time I was too busy cowering under the desk to read them.

I was pretty up on much of this stuff, anyway. For me, peanut butter is accompanied only by a craving for bread, jelly and a glass of milk -- that leaves 13 other things that you peasants might suffer from your Smucker's fix, though. The number one thing my doctor wishes I knew about ganglion cysts is what the fuck ganglion cysts are. And I have fewer than half of the typical psychopath's traits, so my wife is still more or less safe. 

"Good Lord! That's the third case of keto diet
I've seen today!"

As for signs of lung trouble, well, maybe it's not being able to breathe. And if there are 16 silent signs of leukemia, I'm not sure it's worth finding out if they're goddamn silent. I have no fear of the keto diet, however, because I don't eat ketos. Or Cheetos, for that matter.

There is no reason in the world, cyber or otherwise, for these kinds of scare tactics -- other than to scare you so much that you actually go back to get scared some more. It's why "liberal" MSNBC obsessively covered every speech candidate Trump made in 2016, and continues to for President Trump, or how "conservative" sites make sure to let their readers know that the biggest political touchdown of the year was just pulled off by a socialist Democrat Hispanic woman from the Bronx (that's five things to be afraid of!). 

So-called health stories like those on msn.com are like magnets that work only with negative charges. And I already know the one habit that could me at risk of dementia -- it's reading the msn.com newsfeed! In fact, it makes me wish for the blissful ignorance of senility. That's why I'll let you discover this one very common morning drink that causes skin cancer.

And if it doesn't have anything to do with the sun, keep drinking it.

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